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User Topic: It could have been so easy
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just reading on another one of the forums about a former wayward spouse had taken one of our members to the hospital after she had popped a bunch of pills. Apart from being concerned about my SI family member, when I see things like that, it breaks my heart from a selfish point of view as well. I mean, it really is easy to be a good spouse:

1. Be nice.
2. Be respectful.
3. Do your fair share of the work.
4. Don't fuck others.
5. Be there.

Before I discovered SI, I had laid out reconciliation conditions for The Princess. They basically included the above items, and also said that flirting is bad, and expressing some affection to me is good. I wasn't even asking for her passwords. That was still too much for her.

I know that shows how broken she is, and is no reflection on me, but it's still heartbreaking. If I were to attempt suicide again (no worries, I'm not going to), there would be nobody here to find me until the weekend when the kids come over. I don't have a constant person during the week.

Most days, I realize this is my new normal, and that I have to take care of myself. But sometimes it really sucks.

Like I said, being a good spouse is easy. She could have done it. Well, except for the opinion that many of you have expressed in the past, that she may be NPD or HPD (and I agree with this). I guess it really was too hard for her under those circumstances.

Just feeling a little sorry for myself. It hadn't happened for a little while, so I guess I was due.

[This message edited by Pass at 12:23 PM, July 9th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love your list of rules for being a good spouse. My folks and I were just working on a list of rules for our combined household (them, me, my kids) and rules 1-3 were the same.

I know you're a much stronger person now, but I also know that you are much too good a parent to risk your kids being the ones to find you if you were ever tempted by suicide again. It is what drove me to call for help and go to the hospital when I was tempted this last time. I just couldn't do that to my kids.

I have known people like the Princess in my life, and they just aren't capable of a normal loving relationship with anyone. Just look at the way she talks to your kids. Those kind of people are so miserable, that they have to make everyone else around them miserable too. I look forward to the day when your boys can join you in a Princess-free life.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
FrmrBH80124
♂ 42967
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass,

I don't know much of your story but here are my thoughts. Every day and brick by brick you rebuild your life. Look how far you've come in a short period of time.

You are regaining your life free the Princess' BS. You have two loving sons who are beginning to see who their parents truly are and how their parents treat them. Kids don't forget. They will always love their mother but won't want to be with her any more than they have to.

I know we all get down some days but keep reminding yourself things could be far worse.... you could still be with the Princess EVERY FUCKING DAY as she slowly crushes the life out of you.

I'd take a few down days over that scenario ANY DAY! We are here for you. Keep your chin up! You have a lot going for you. Go out and enjoy your life!

[This message edited by FrmrBH80124 at 1:15 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 189 | Registered: Apr 2014
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

they just aren't capable of a normal loving relationship with anyone. Just look at the way she talks to your kids. Those kind of people are so miserable, that they have to make everyone else around them miserable too.

You're right, Gem. There's just no way to have a normal relationship with someone who is so hellbent on sabotage. Nobody loves their mommy more than 14 used to love his (and still does, I'm sure), but now he avoids her as much as possible, and has a laundry list of complaints about her. This has happened now that I'm not there to be the buffer zone to protect the kids from her nastiness. I hate that.

I know you're a much stronger person now, but I also know that you are much too good a parent to risk your kids being the ones to find you if you were ever tempted by suicide again.

Right again. I am way stronger than I was - I just need to take regular breaks for self-doubt, it seems - and I'd never risk screwing up my kids like that.

I know we all get down some days but keep reminding yourself things could be far worse.... you could still be with the Princess EVERY FUCKING DAY as she slowly crushes the life out of you.

FrmrBH, thanks! I spent over 17 years doing that, and it was well past time to escape!

[This message edited by Pass at 5:06 PM, July 9th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life is just so much better now. It just makes me so sad sometimes that I don't have an "other" anymore. I relied on that person for so long.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
doin just fine
♂ 10041
Member # 10041
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

they just aren't capable of a normal loving relationship with anyone. Just look at the way she talks to your kids. Those kind of people are so miserable, that they have to make everyone else around them miserable too.

This is almost exactly what I'm struggling with right now. While perhaps I can intellectually understand that it is true, I struggle with consistently emotionally accepting it. What if it isn't true? What if people really are dicks and there is something wrong with my expectations?

And oh, Pass, I haven't been separated nearly as long as you, but am so far past the infidelity it doesn't even enter my mind other than to kick myself for not believing that she is the kind of person that she was showing me to be. And I too am also much happier. It is better to be alone than with a vile toxic person.

[This message edited by doin just fine at 5:06 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 448 | Registered: Mar 2006
kernel
♀ 27035
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life is just so much better now. It just makes me so sad sometimes that I don't have an "other" anymore. I relied on that person for so long.

Pass, I think this is true for a lot of the singles here on SI. It ALWAYS crosses my mind when I come home to an empty house at night, in the dark, after being out with friends or whatever. For some reason, it just hits me then and I have to tell myself to suck it up and think about something else.

Hugs to you, Pass. And do something nice for yourself.

[This message edited by kernel at 5:26 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5337 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is better to be alone than with a vile toxic person.

Amen, dude.


Pass, I think this is true for a lot of the singles here on SI. It ALWAYS crosses my mind when I come home to an empty house at night, in the dark, after being out with friends or whatever.

Yep, I keep the music on when I leave, so that I don't have a quiet apartment waiting for me when I get home.

Hugs to you, Pass. And do something nice for yourself.

I believe I will. Thanks.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that shows how broken she is, and is no reflection on me, but it's still heartbreaking.

I get it. I'm still heartbroken too. That the guy I thought I married didn't exist doesn't mean I don't need to mourn him.

I believe I could be happy with pretty much anyone if they did those relatively simple things you've listed. I'm very adaptable.

My what ifs are no longer about him becoming the guy I thought I married. They are now what if he had just talked to me and we could have divorced amicably (ideally before kids).

I had tried to do that several times over the years pre and post kids - not because there was anything wrong with either of us but because we both knew we weren't right for each other. I was just being me and he was miserable (remember at this time I didn't realise he had already cheated). But he begged and pleaded and promised change - not because he loved me but because he wanted to keep up the facade and he was desperate for children. He faked it long enough for one child then reverted back to being miserable, I called him on it and then he hoovered me back in long enough for another child. Then he knew he had me trapped. I went numb.

I was building up to ending the M when DD hit. He went on the development course where he had the DD affair because I had told him his moods and putting work above everything else was making us all miserable. He emailed me during his affair telling me about everything he had learned and all of the changes he was going to make to help heal our M. I was so excited. I can't tell you how happy I was.

Less than 2 weeks later would be DD.

On DD I realised I had been defrauded. He had lied the whole time. To me and to himself. All of that effort to be someone he isn't. I'll never understand it. Had he put half of that energy into nurturing our M we would have been that old couple holding hands and canoodling on the couch in our 80s.

Was he the love of my life? No. I didn't need him to be. I don't believe in loves of your life from the get go. I do believe in work and effort and becoming the love of each other's lives. All I needed were those things you listed.

It is hard to believe something so simple was so impossible. But it was. That is what is so heartbreaking. I never had a fighting chance with that guy. I never knew him and TBH he didn't bother to really know me either.

He is now telling those same lies to another. Still being that guy he wishes he was. The guy he never was. The guy he'll never be.

ETA: these incredible little girls deserved better too. That really is the biggest crying shame of it all.

[This message edited by SBB at 7:00 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5733 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
doin just fine
♂ 10041
Member # 10041
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pass, I think this is true for a lot of the singles here on SI. It ALWAYS crosses my mind when I come home to an empty house at night, in the dark, after being out with friends or whatever.

Yep, I keep the music on when I leave, so that I don't have a quiet apartment waiting for me when I get home.

I'm sure it's true for a lot of singles, on SI or not. But there is another way to look at it. For myself coming home to a quiet, dark, peaceful house is, well, peaceful. It only took me a couple days to realize how much the drama that these types of people create in their environments was really affecting me. I was aware that she thrives on chaos, lives in it, and wants to see it grow. I also knew that I didn't like it. But it took separating for me to realize just how unhappy it makes me. And my children. They are so much calmer, happier, and better behaved at my house without her around.

What I do miss about having someone else around though is the casual conversation. That I've found I can get elsewhere. In fact, I've found that I've neglected casual conversation with others over the years and leaned too much on someone who made me pay a much too high price for it.

Another thing is the casual touch. Hands, shoulders, just brushing against each other. That you can't get somewhere else quite as easily. It'd be kinda weird outside an intimate relationship. But again, the price paid was far too high.

Nevertheless, we are both better off. That becomes more clear every day.


Posts: 448 | Registered: Mar 2006
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He emailed me during his affair telling me about everything he had learned and all of the changes he was going to make to help heal our M. I was so excited. I can't tell you how happy I was.

Yep. After DDay, when I laid out those conditions for The Princess, and she tearfully accepted (REALLY fucking good at the tearful thing, of course), I was so hopeful. I even thought that it would all be worth it if it meant she would start being nice and affectionate.

When I finally decided to leave her, my main hope was that I would eventually be able to find someone who would be willing to make at least that minimal effort. I wasn't feeling very strong at that point, but it was hope that made me decide to throw her on the heap.

And like you said, I see her doing the love-bombing to someone else now. She has learned nothing, and is just plying her wares elsewhere.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thing is the casual touch. Hands, shoulders, just brushing against each other. That you can't get somewhere else quite as easily. It'd be kinda weird outside an intimate relationship. But again, the price paid was far too high.

YES! That's huge. I recently read somewhere that a 20-second hug helps releases oxytocin in the brain, and can be very helpful for depressives. So now I'm deprived of another thing I need.

Nevertheless, we are both better off. That becomes more clear every day.

You're right. The list of things I'm glad to be rid of is endless, but the few things that made the glass at least partially full can cause crippling pain by times.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
doin just fine
♂ 10041
Member # 10041
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES! That's huge. I recently read somewhere that a 20-second hug helps releases oxytocin in the brain, and can be very helpful for depressives. So now I'm deprived of another thing I need.

I've read that what can help with that is going and getting a massage. And I don't mean THAT kind of massage. Maybe give it a try?


Posts: 448 | Registered: Mar 2006
HurtingandLost
♂ 29322
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the end of the day, especially after long marriages where we've overinvested ourselves in a dead end marriage, the initial shock of an empty house can be unnerving. No kids laughing, yelling playing, and yes fighting ( I have my own personal platoon of kids!), and silence all around. After my first marriage ended on this same note I realized how relaxed and drama free the next two years of my life were. Now, going through the final steps a second time does indeed suck royal ass, but its not nearly as overwhelming or unnerving. I'm looking forward to some peaceand quiet. And maybe a puppy for company during the week and for the kids on the weekends.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a similar mental checklist in my mind for my ex. Number One was always for him to just be nice to me. It shouldn't have been hard. I was young, vibrant, pretty, smart, educated, loved sex, loved just being in his company, doted on him... How easy it should have been to be nice to someone like that!

Eventually you just have to trust that they suck as a human being. They suck, they're truly messed up, and they won't ever get better. They were never capable of being nice to us.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10133 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 15

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