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kima posted 7/9/2014 12:25 PM

If you could give only one piece of advice for divorce what would it be?

Softcentre posted 7/9/2014 12:38 PM

If you're divorcing an unremorseful wayward, remember that they are a good liar who will try to make you feel guilty/sorry for them. So try and detach and mentally tell yourself it's all a business arrangement and about what you need now, and in the future, to be able to thrive without them.

Harriet posted 7/9/2014 13:00 PM

Divorce is not a panacea. It is painful and hard, even when you know it is the right decision, so be prepared for that.

If I could give 2 pieces of advice: do it sooner rather than later. Skip the separation and file right away. My ex was still feeling guilty, he wasn't as enmeshed yet with OW to influence him, and I got a very generous divorce agreement. A year or so later, I think I would not have gotten so much.

Sad in AZ posted 7/9/2014 14:34 PM

Treat the divorce as a business transaction. Take all of the emotion out of the equation. Get a good attorney and get what you need and deserve.

kima posted 7/9/2014 15:07 PM

I filed for a divorce a day before he told me the truth. I post poned it and let him move back in because he seemed remoseful. Since then i can see he still makes decisions out of circumstance instead of values so i took the divorce off hold and had him move out again. He did already change his tune, back in january he was willing to leave everything but now he is threatening lawyer etc. Im not too worried about my physical items they have no meaning to me but im concerned i dont know enough about the process to protect myself (emotionally).

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/9/2014 15:17 PM

Get a good therapist and a good lawyer. Let them do the heavy lifting.

Gemini71 posted 7/9/2014 18:50 PM

Yep. Good therapist and a good lawyer, and don't confuse the two.

HurtingandLost posted 7/9/2014 23:27 PM

As sad in az mentioned keep emotions out of it its business. And a good therapist might be beneficial. And as was also stated, don't confuse the two! Good luck stay strong.

wannabenormal posted 7/10/2014 01:39 AM

I would say - take the emotion out it. Treat it like breaking up a business.

Because that pretty much what D is; I wish I'd listened when that advice was given to me.

LookingforLove posted 7/10/2014 09:24 AM

My piece of advice would be two things....

1) Just like others have said, as hard as it is, try to keep the emotions out of it and treat this like a business deal. You are tying to get the best for you. He didn't think about you when he made his choices so don't think about him in the decisions you and your L make.

2) Just because most states do not recognize the affair for grounds for divorce does not mean that certain aspects of the A should be ignored. Especially financially. My XWH spent over 10K dollars on his affair over a 6 year period using joint assets. As my L put it, having an affair is not illegal, using community property money to support the A is. He was basically taking money from our family to support another lifestyle and courts frown upon that.
Even though he had a separate account in his name only to support the A, he put money into that account from his paycheck and bonuses which is considered community property. I had all of that subpoenaed and my L used it to get the better settlement.

damncutekitty posted 7/10/2014 09:28 AM

This is more for life after the D, but remember it's not a competition. Try not to compare your life with your X. It's not a race to see who remarries first, vacations better, buys a bigger house, etc. Focus on making your life into something you love and you will be so much happier.

foxglove posted 7/10/2014 17:30 PM

My advice? Don't waste any energy trying to figure out "the why" because there is no rational explanation.

It's good to think about your role in the marriage relationship, and what you've learned about yourself, but seriously, don't waste time on trying to make sense of nonsense.

Catwoman posted 7/10/2014 18:20 PM

Good lawyer experienced in family law is key.

Remember you are opposing parties in a lawsuit and act accordingly. They are not your friend or confidante.

Your lawyer is not your therapist. If you need a therapist, get one very experienced in infidelity.

Focus on your financial and property settlement. This is your future here.

Don't fixate on the marital home. A home is more than four walls. Don't keep the house at the expense of something else. A fresh start may do everyone good.

Don't use the kids as pawns or leverage. If he other party is just an asshole but otherwise a decent parent with a bond with their children, I would encourage a parenting plan that allows both parents to spend time with their kids.

If you are unfortunate enough to be dealing with a narcissist or other disordered person, get temporary orders as soon as possible. Without orders, you have no legal recourse and they can stop paying child support, clean out retirement accounts and run off to Tahiti with the pool boy with impunity.

Most states do this automatically, but some do not. File a financial restraining order with your divorce paperwork. It is legal recourse if they drain accounts or liquidate assets.

The AP--should they still be present--is going to be able to be around your children (there are exceptions, but no third party rules are very difficult to enforce). Deal with this in therapy--individual and family.

You may have to resign yourself to parallel parenting vs. co parenting. It is not the end of the world.

Make sure you nail down things like an automobile for the children (and insurance and maintenance), college expenses, etc. Kids grow up.

I don't recommend having loose language in an agreement. Have vacations, holiday schedule, weekend parenting time hours, drop offs, notification for vacation, who has school vacation times, etc., specified. Don't leave anything to chance--you can always be more flexible, but there is no way to tighten up a loosely worded agreement and be able to enforce it. The best way to do this is by odd/even years. This way there is no doubt who has Thanksgiving in 2014.

If you have young kids, I would recommend the right of first refusal--if a parent is going to be gone during their parenting time for more than X hours, the other parent gets the option to take them (or not).


kernel posted 7/10/2014 20:02 PM

Don't forget to maintain rock solid NC. You don't want to get manipulated into anything - let the lawyers handle it all.

Amazonia posted 7/10/2014 20:25 PM

If your stbx didn't respect or help you during the marriage, don't expect him or her to do so during the divorce. Your job is to take care of you his or her job is to take care of him or herself. Don't mix up the two.

nekorb posted 7/10/2014 20:37 PM

File earlier rather than later. Get the best attorney you can afford. Detach and don't listen to your WH.

Take care of you.

kima posted 7/10/2014 21:10 PM

Thanks everyone!

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