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how long did you wait?

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Numb2014 posted 7/9/2014 13:10 PM

My stbx still lives in the house (in house separation). He will move out next month. I am debating starting up an online dating profile and am hoping to start dating soon after he moves out. It's been a 5 year roller coaster, and this time around, while it sucks and I am angry and hurt that someone I loved could treat me this way, I feel like I am ready to just move forward. I just don't want to move so fast that I burn anyone.

How long did you all wait before dating?

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/9/2014 13:46 PM

I waited until I was divorced and had been living by myself for a few months. I wasn't hurt or angry anymore and just ready to have fun. I make it very clear that I am not interested in a relationship--not sure when I will be crossing that bridge. I found that when I was happy by myself, I was ready to see other people.

fireproof posted 7/9/2014 13:53 PM

The standard time is a year after your divorce.

I don't know I feel it is a constant process even years from divorce.

I did hear your first relationship that ends post divorce hurts more or as much as your divorce.

Enjoy your life and the healthier you are by yourself the more likely you will attract someone who is also healthy.

Find what works for you- these are all words of wisdom and I chose to listen but there are some who move on quicker and are happy.

Numb2014 posted 7/9/2014 14:14 PM

Thank you for the responses! We have been divorced for about 4 years now. We R after divorce for 3 years, and just recently, round two of infidelity (on his part, again). We are still in house separation, but I am more ready to move on this time around than teh first time. I do not have that painful desire to R anymore like I did last time. He moves out next month, and I was thinking of trying to start dating sept/oct-ish. I just dont' want to be to eager to move on only to hurt myself or someone else. I guess I will jsut see how I am doing once he is out and moved in with her.

I'm just ready to settle down with someone. Have more children.

norabird posted 7/9/2014 14:39 PM

I would wait until the shock fades--there must be some shock, no? Even though after your long ordeal you must be more than ready to turn the page, and you certainly deserve to do so, you want to make sure to do it in the right way. Instead of doing it because you're angry that he gets to move on to something new, or if you feel it would prove your worthiness, or if you want it to distract you from the awfulness, or if you want someone to help you achieve your goal of having more kids. It is waaay better to get you yourself to healthier place as their mom and then to take the time to make sure your next pick for a father to future kids is the right choice.

There truly is no rush. Start by doing things just for you, not ones focused on finding a new mate. I really think we need to process what has happened and get to know our single selves again before diving in so that we know our motives are the right ones. Some people do successfully start dating early but there isn't a fire; let yourself take it slow.

Numb2014 posted 7/9/2014 14:55 PM

norabird-thank you. I am struggling with the moving on part because I think I am ready, but then I wonder if its just because I do not want to be alone. I am 32 years old, I want another child, I feel like the clock is ticking, but is that really the main reason I need to jump in to another relationship?

Something else I forgot to mention-he was my first and my only. Only boyfriend, only kiss, my FIRST first, everything. I have never been with another man. So I get nervous about that. I do think that maybe I need to evaluate myself, take care of me. but that lonliness kicks in. He gets someone at night, I want someone at night. I want someone texting me "good morning beautiful!". But, again, I am afraid of rushing.

Nature_Girl posted 7/9/2014 15:00 PM

Been separated since 2012, divorced eight months. I'm still waiting. In fact, I am not actively searching.

If I were many years younger and wanted more children I would probably be more concerned about finding another partner. As it is, I'm done having children and have zero interest in a relationship whatsoever. I couldn't care less to get a text from anyone telling me I'm beautiful. I finally know for myself that I'm beautiful, there is no need for external validation anymore.

movingforward13 posted 7/9/2014 18:39 PM

I was separated December 2012, divorce completed December 2013 and I am slowly getting back into the dating pool. I did date during my separation and divorce but found that I wasn't ready because I was looking for an insta-relationship. Once I figured that out (like August 2013), I stopped dating, stopped having sex and just focused on being by myself. I did hurt someone in the process as he really liked me.

That said I don't think I am quite healed yet but enough to get excited about a possible relationship. I have been talking to a guy I casually dated ten years ago more frequently over the last 3 months. He is pretty far away from me at the current moment so we are talking and catching up, with some flirting and future relationship talks. I think the distance is keeping me safe- letting us get to relearn one another emotionally before anything physical. I can sort out my issues (which is trust) and he is making me feel safe by providing communication I need without me asking for it.
He will be visiting my area next month as he is hoping to get stationed here by the fall. By then I feel I will be ready for something serious. But it definitely took some time, and inner reflection, to get to this point. And once I had D-Day, I did not sleep with or see my ex regularly, as it all happened in another state. So I have really been single since Dec. 2012

phmh posted 7/9/2014 19:15 PM

I wish I would have waited longer. I started dating 8 months after D-Day; 3 months after divorce was final. I probably was actually ready about 18 months after living on my own.

I felt ready. I was nowhere near ready. I was looking back and deleting old texts today, and realized how much I hurt some of these guys.

I probably set back my own healing a bit, and I also eliminated a bunch of good guys from my dating pool now because I met them when I wasn't ready.

Good luck as you wade through this journey -- if your X is anything like most cheaters, you are in for some good sex once you aren't with someone so incredibly self-absorbed! (WXH had been my only and I was shocked at what sex could be!!!)

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/10/2014 07:37 AM

I would give yourself some more time and get used to the new normal. If you already a child or children, use the next couple of years to parent without drama and just enjoy being YOU.

Bluebird26 posted 7/10/2014 07:52 AM

The general rule is if you have to ask it's too soon.

That been said everyone is different and has a different situation.

I would give it some time. Work out where you go from here. Go your separate ways and spend some time with yourself reassess your life and where you want to be and go.

I have been separated for 3 years (divorced now for almost 2 years). Still not dating. Would love someone in my life but my situation prevents me from dating. Nor am I really interested. Still have work to do on myself and work out what the immediate & long term future holds for myself and my children.

damncutekitty posted 7/10/2014 09:39 AM

Maybe to put it in a different perspective... How would you react to meeting someone who is supposed to be D but still living with their ex?

Personally I would not want to go anywhere near a situation like that.

I know you are probably in a hurry to move on with your life, but there's more to post-D life than new relationships. Give it time. I was single for 8 years after my D, so believe me when I say that good things come to those who wait.

Amazonia posted 7/10/2014 10:29 AM

If I could go back again, I would wait until I spent less than 25% of my time/thoughts/emotional energy on my ex, the divorce, and the effect it all had on me. I started dating when I was probably at 50-60%, and even though a lot of that was on the last bit, how it all affected me, I was still really mired in it all, and it definitely had negative effects on my relationships.

The other thing that sucked about starting too early was that I fell in love with someone who didn't love me back and ended things. That was over two years ago and I still miss him and have to stop myself from going on fishing expeditions with embarrassing frequency.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 10:29 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]

DepressedDaddy posted 7/10/2014 11:02 AM

The general rule is if you have to ask it's too soon.

This is good informal advice.

FWIW Here are my two cents...

You have to be single (whether it is post S or post D) for an unspecific amount of time. That time is dependent on different factors and is different for different people. One thing I discovered through therapy was that my STBXWW and I probably should have considered separating well before the A ever occurred. Of course that's no excuse for what she did, but it is the truth nonetheless.

I asked my therapist this same question. Her response was, "when you're ready you'll just know." I am not currently actively dating, but I have gone out a couple times just to have fun. I made that decision quite easily, because I had no reservations on whether it was the right time or not.

I would wait until I spent less than 25% of my time/thoughts/emotional energy on my ex, the divorce, and the effect it all had on me.

I think this is really important. No one wants to be with a person that is lamenting past stress/trauma, or the grief and stress associated with going through a divorce. This is another reason I am not actively trying to date. Being in my mid-30's, most of the "dating pool" are single parents as well, who went through their own divorced relationships. I don't, nor do they, want to be burdened by the stress of a divorce/separation while trying to start a relationship.

I have really enjoyed just going out and having fun. No huge responsibilities of maintaining a relationship, but also not making poor haphazard decisions either. I don't really do the club/smokey bar scene, but going to concerts, out to eat, to a coffee shop or over to friends houses have been great places to develop new possible intimate and non-intimate relationships!

Good luck!

suckstobeme posted 7/10/2014 12:59 PM

Here's the thing - I think there is a huge difference between wanting to move forward with another relationship and actually being healthy enough to do so.

I know for me, there was a point early on after the douche had moved out where I just wanted to feel normal again. My normal for the past 15 years was to be in a relationship. I wanted to have someone to come home to. I wanted to not be lonely and have to figure out how to just be me. I wanted to avoid the whole f-ing mess because it hurt and it sucked and I didn't ask for this new life. I wanted a partner. At that point, I would have picked anyone to just fill that void.

That's definitely unhealthy and something that my IC recognized right away. At that point, she made it pretty clear that I was ready for mindless, emotionless sex if that's what I needed, but I was eons away from a relationship.

Luckily, I listened to her. Now, my new "normal" is being me, doing what I want when I want, and surrounding myself with good friends and family. I'm not racing to find a new relationship. It's been almost 4 years and I'm just starting to really think about it. I'm also starting to really think about the qualities and characteristics that I would want in someone and recognizing that my exwh had some qualities and characteristics that I didn't know were pretty bad. I'm not thinking about just replacing what I had, but striving for something much better.

Those are the things that you have to really ask yourself. I know that your D has been a long time coming based on your post, but this whole thing still has an enormous impact on your mind and your emotions. I would be concerned that, at this stage of the game, you are not healed enough to be able to evaluate your "picker" and to recognize why you were attracted to someone like your stbx in the first place.

On the flip side, if you just want to date for fun, I don't know that that strategy ever really works out. Feelings always get in the way and someone ends up getting hurt.

A very good friend of mine had this happen to her recently. She accepted a date from a guy online who was pretty much in your same situation. To her, he seemed awesome. To me, I saw the writing on the wall. He was very eager to shower her with "love bombs" and to see her all the time even though he had just separated from his wife of almost 20 years. I tried to nicely caution her, but she trusted in him. They slept together, he met her kids, and she agreed to go on a vacation with him all in the span of a couple of months. Everything moved fast because of the things he said and did. My friend followed along. Then, out of the blue, he dropped the bomb on her that he "just wasn't ready." It sucked for her because she really wanted a relationship, she has been divorced for years, and he held himself out as a guy who wanted the same. I don't think he was an evil guy, but he was a guy who denied his feelings and unfortunately hurt someone really great in the process of actually discovering his feelings.

Those are the dangers that we usually see around here from people dating too soon. Either you get hurt or you hurt someone else. Focus on the issue of whether you are healthy enough for all of this. If not, it's perfectly okay to wait and nurture yourself first before someone else comes along.

Vulcanized posted 7/10/2014 17:25 PM

I'm just now starting to feel ready, after considering it since last fall.

Separated 4+ years ago, D'd for 16 months. Been completely alone for 3+ years.

I think it's prolly in your best interest to wait until you are physically separated. Makes things less complicated, iykwim.

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