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IOnceToldJokes posted 7/9/2014 13:37 PM

My situation is incredibly complicated. My wife has been in a state of mental decay since the beginning of this year. This was caused because she was estranged from one of her parents and they hadn't communicated or seen each other in 6 years. Then, late last year, at her brother's wedding, she sees her mother and they begin to reconnect. The day after the wedding, we get a call from the newlywed that the parent died from an accidental overdose of pain pills.

My wife suffers form several spinal issues and a bladder condition that had her on the same pills. This is death was so traumatic for her she tried to stop her pulls cold turkey, which caused problems, and turned to 'herbal' pain relievers which aren't legal in this state. As soon as she started that line of self-prescribing, I could see a change of her personality in all aspects. She lost lost concentration and focus, which, granted, are common symptoms, but they ran long-term between her consumption. She stopped being able to hold conversations and jumped topics so quickly conversations became impossible.

Then the seizures started. She started having seizures every day for couple of months and we had a full neurological work-up done and she was given a clean brain bill of health.

Her psychologist diagnosed her with a condition which I researched that seems valid. Her emotional trauma was so profound that her body began to manifest it physically through seizures. While that explained the siezures (which may also be a side-effect of her herbal supplement), it did not explain the mental deterioration - but the psych attributed that to PTSD. My wife had been through Katrina and the incredibly unexpected death of her father so I could see that.

The seizures stopped being a daily event in April, but that is when her mental health really went downhill. She stopped working and starting spending heavily and going 24-36 hours without sleep including 14 hour Facebook binges. She'd see a hashtag of the Google Glass product and become so excited because, to her, that meant she was getting a free Google Glass. She'd see a picture of a corporate event on a corporate Facebook post and be so excited because she was absolutely certain that meant she was offered a job. She used to work in a research hospital and has been published 12 times, now she can't connect to reality. $400 clothes shopping sprees, $300 on 3 different phones and plans within 1 month, a bunch on her herbal medicines. She'd buy the clothes and wear them every day for a month, not washing them until they were stained badly and unwearable. I did get in arguments and yell at her about her spending, and because of that she told her psych. she did not feel safe around me because I attacked her.

Then something amazing happened at the beginning of this month. After our savings was wiped out and she could no longer get the herbal supplements for over a month, she was back. We were able to converse, we could shop together, we made each other laugh again. We were intimate again. After that night, though (Monday night) Then, Thursday, she returned from her psychologist appointment in a frenzy, packed everything in her car she could - literally every article of her clothing in the house and books and anything else that would fit. She said she had to leave right then, and would be back tomorrow to talk then go to her living parent's house (9 hours away).

I called hours after she left to check on her, and she told me she was at a (male) friend's house in a city an hour away. I never met this guy, and I looked him up and learned she met him in a facebook group over a cause she was passionate about. On the phone she told me she was safe and laughed that she had a knife in the trunk if he tried anything. I tried calling her later that night and she was very upset and told me she needed space.

Friday morning I tried to call to see when she would return so we could talk. When I spoke to her, she was very mad and told me she had not been able to have any fun or swim because of me. She did not return Friday. Saturday when I spoke to her she was even madder at me, she blamed me again for her miserable experience there, and ask me to not contact her except via email. She texted me, so I replied to the text, and she got mad. She called me, I missed it and returned it two minutes later, she got mad at me for calling her. She didn't return Saturday. Sunday she called me, when I started asking when she would come home she said she was having seizures because of me and yelled at me for calling her - when she was the one who called me and I had not dialed her since she asked out of respect for her wishes.

Monday she called me in a frenzy saying only "I'm coming home now, I talked to the cops, delete my Facebook account" and she gave me her password, so I deleted it. When she walked in the door, she was on the phone and said, crying, "Well the officer didn't tell me to do that." Then she said she had to go to the ER and left. I go to the ER separately and text her in the waiting room that I am there if she needs support. She texted me back she didn't, and would be done soon. Three hours later, she leaves the ER and passes me in the waiting room, telling me to take a cab home. I get home ad she is in the living room on Facebook (she reactivated her account), I try to talk to her, to tell her I lover and am there to support her (I inferred what happened), and she said she wanted to be alone and goes into the bedroom and gets on Facebook in there. Because she left it up in the living room, I read every message she sent to other people.

She left to go to Hot Springs because this guy was handsome and charming, with the intention of cheating on me. When she got there she learned he was very controlling and demeaning, forcing her to do things beyond what she wanted, painful things. She was pushed through a window, went unconscious, and woke with him raping her. In the mornings he would charm her, and given her psychological state, she was easily manipulated into staying and buying him things until Monday.

So she won't talk to me Monday, spends all night talking and crying on the phone telling friends and family what happened - again, not telling me and asking me to get out. But the walls are thin so I hear from the living room what she says. At 11 she becomes 'drunk' from not sleeping so long and allows me to lay in bed next to her. At 7:00 a.m. she wakes up in a crying frenzy and says she has to get to the police station to file a proper report. She didn't want me to come with her. At 11am she returns and says she has to leave now so she packs even more stuff in her car over 5 hours and leaves for her parent's, 9 hours away, during a thunderstorm. I offer to help, and she compares me to her rapist. She threatened to call the cops on me if I didn't stop talking to her. She told the neighbors to call the cops on me if I talked to her while she was packing her car. I beg her to stay and rest before she leaves, but she didn't and left during a storm.

When she was at her parent's this morning, she butt dialed me and I could hear her parent yelling at her (her parent is a very emotional person and their voice raises with the slightest provocation) for freaking out, causing her to freak out more. She wanted to leave the house and find a shelter, and said she wanted to kill herself. That is when 911 was called and she is now under 72 hour observation at a hospital.


As far as what I feel, I have forgiven for cheating on me from what I know, though it hurts that the few statements I got from her included "You're acting just like {her attacker}," "I don't feel like we're married anymore," and "Every decision I made was right." All I want to do is support her through this - the most trying time of her life - but she is fighting me all the way.

What should I do on this emotional rollercoaster?

healingroad posted 7/9/2014 14:48 PM

What should I do on this emotional rollercoaster?

OMG that's a hard story to hear. Take care of yourself. You can't fix her, and it's not clear you can even help her. Get sleep, eat right. Rest. Try to breathe. Don't decide anything. Don't forgive or feel you owe her anything. Let the waves of feeling ebb and flow. It's going to be hard, let it come and try to be as stable as you can.

norabird posted 7/9/2014 14:50 PM


I'm so sorry you had to find us here. Others will be along with advice and support.

Reading your post, you start with so many excuses for your wife. Were you trying to be her knight in shining armor? Why do you allow her to be a victim, why do you let the trials she has faced exonerate her from responsibility? She is not a child. she is a grown woman and no amount of bad family history or illness exonerates her behavior. Do you see that? It seems to me that she is incredibly manipulative and knows you have endless sympathy for her and is willing to abuse it. The very fact that you've apparently already forgiven her is a huge alarm bell. Why would you forgive this person? This is an emotionally abusive relationship and you are signing up for more suffering if you don't recognize and change the dynamic.

confused615 posted 7/9/2014 14:58 PM

I'm so sorry.

Given that she seems to be delusional, please be very careful in assuming her story of being raped is true.

I say that as a former rape survivor.

Do you have children with her?

IOnceToldJokes posted 7/9/2014 15:03 PM

I prayed over it and forgave her because I felt strongly that was the path I needed to take. I vowed to be with her 'in sickness' - and that is where she is right now.

Now, by forgiveness I am not giving her a free pass, bygones be bygones and such, I just know that because of her assault combined with her mental status, it takes the back burner right now. I just want to be able to help her come through this recovery before we discuss her infidelity, as tackling both at once will accomplish neither.

IOnceToldJokes posted 7/9/2014 15:03 PM

No children, though we shared a beautiful dog.

Schadenfreude posted 7/9/2014 16:04 PM

Has she been MEDICALLY evaluated? Some diseases cause mental symptoms. A psychologist isn't qualified to do a medical exam.

I have kidney disease. Guess what. My doctor asks me questions like my name, his name, where I am, what day is it. Um, these aren't hard to answer. So far.

I'm not a doctor, so I'm not going to guess what might be in her "differential diagnosis". But make sure somebody has done full blood and urine tests, maybe a brain CT, too.

IOnceToldJokes posted 7/9/2014 16:19 PM

She's been diagnosed with a bladder disease a few years ago. When the seizures started she had a full panel of tests by the neurologist to rule out anything neurological, CAT Scan, MRI, Blood Panel, the works. She was given a clean bill of brain and blood health. All of this was done before the diagnosis by her psychologist.

craig2001 posted 7/9/2014 16:19 PM

She was pushed through a window, went unconscious, and woke with him raping her.
Has this guy been arrested yet?

That would certainly tell you if it is made up or not.

IOnceToldJokes posted 7/9/2014 16:26 PM

Not that I know of. I know the window parts true, because he called her Monday night telling her to pay for the window, calling her a B and a C, and she handed me the phone and he continued cursing her out and I hung up. At the police station she was getting a no call order in addition to the charges because he kept calling and filled up her voicemails.

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