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OW is in intensive care

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jendo posted 7/9/2014 15:38 PM

HI- DDay was 3 months ago. Things are going well and NC has been maintained since DDAY. As much as I think OW is an idiot for the choices she has made I also cannot help but feel a little badly for her. She has had some horrendous things happen to her since dday. Both WH and OW have maintained NC though and for that I am thankful. I know my WH came out of the fog quickly and realized how close he was to losing everything- wife, kids, career, etc. And for OW I hope she realized that my WH was not someone who was going to be able to support her through her struggles- she was just an escape for him- someone to chat with and really now he says it doesn't even feel like it was real- just a game.

Anyways, she has had several horrendous things happen in her life since dday. Each time they have both maintained NC, but WH has found out from coworkers. She no longer works at his office, but that is where they initially met. Only his boss knows that "Something inappropriate" was going on between them- he never pressed for more info as she no longer worked there, but other employees have no clue and "watercooler chatter" has brought up some circumstances in OW"s life that had been posted on Facebook. Among other things, OW was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer one week post dday. I admit I do stalk her on Facebook- I'm not even sure why- I guess to make sure I am safe. Anyways, I just saw that her mom posted that she is in the ICU and is very sick. I know that my husband will eventually find out about this from coworkers- she was very sick and had to have surgery a few weeks ago and he did bring it up. He always tells me. But it is weird to have this knowledge and not be able to tell him about it. At first I wasn't sure what to think about him kind of not seeming to care that someone that he "Was in love with" was extremely ill, but this has helped him to realize how messed up of a relationship they had- how he didn't love her at all and how it really was just a game to him and not about HER at all. It does feel so weird though to not be able to call him and tell him what I know- that is the right thing to do, right? I don't wish bad things upon her and hope she can pull through just for humane reasons. I do know that her family is rallying around her. I am so thankful that my husband snapped out of all of this before she became so sick- I cannot imagine if he had not...

MissMouseMo posted 7/9/2014 16:06 PM

I don't know that I'd tell him, because I wouldn't be proud of FB stalking her, but I would hesitate to say not to because I was squeamish about lying-by-omission when you're trying to build an open, loving relationship without dark corners where monsters can hide. KWIM?

Your wishing her well is nice, even generous, but truthfully we all die and if this is what gets her, well, your wishes don't affect her at all so I would urge you to disengage as best you can and refocus on shoring yourself up. Build yourself into a solid-centered woman who is confident she will prevail no matter what life looks like in the future.

No matter what the future is, you have to rely on *you*.

Wishing you peace.

SI Staff posted 7/9/2014 16:26 PM

***General reminder to keep this thread vent and namecalling free since we are in the Reconciliation Forum***

Thank you

MissesJai posted 7/9/2014 17:21 PM

lying-by-omission when you're trying to build an open, loving relationship without dark corners where monsters can hide. KWIM?
This. A 1,000,000,000 times THIS. If you expect honesty and transparency, you gotta be willing to give the same in return. It goes both ways - anything less isn't R, IMO.

Can I ask why you are so hesitant to tell your H? I can venture to guess it's because you know, deep down, that FB stalking her is unproductive and very unhealthy for you, your M, and R. Not to mention, and this is JMHO, NC includes mental NC and FB stalking her is the exact opposite.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/9/2014 17:22 PM

(((jendo))) You are very compassionate. I don't feel I would or could be so kind if the OW in our situation was very ill. There is nothing wrong with your compassion, but I agree, I am glad she didn't get so ill until after they were NC.

It does feel so weird though to not be able to call him and tell him what I know- that is the right thing to do, right?
Yes, I understand this dilemma. I FB stalked OW for more years than I care to admit. My FWH didn't know. I did so many times want to tell him about OW's whining on FB.

Once again, I agree with MissMouseMo (you are pretty awesome ) I wasn't hiding that I was stalking OW's FB, but on the other hand, I didn't tell him. He wouldn't have cared either way as his attitude is "whatever you need to do to heal" but I just didn't want to constantly be bringing OW up and pointing out OW's shortcomings that were so obvious on Facebook. I wanted FWH to have mental NC as well as actual NC with OW.

I feel that maybe you should be honest about this, jendo. Tell him what you know. Discuss what you both think and feel about you being on OW's facebook page.

Didact posted 7/9/2014 17:58 PM

I will add my voice. Tell WH. Real R is going to be based on honesty in everything (except checking up on WS). Being honest with him will help in your own healing.

My WW is also an OW to someone else. They are often demonized here at SI, but the truth is they are human beings (albeit broken) as well, entitled to compassion. Some are evil, some are predators (like OM in my case), but many are just broken people like the rest of us.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 7/9/2014 18:16 PM

NC should be for both of you. Stop FB stalking her (I know, most of us did it, too).

Block her on your FB. Then when you are tempted you won't find anything... then you'll remember you blocked you... then you'll remember why.

mainlyinpain posted 7/9/2014 19:42 PM

I don’t think you need to mention her condition to your husband.

His relationship with her should never have been so bringing the topic of her into your life, your reconciliation seems wrong to me. Yes honesty is necessary in a relationship but I don’t think that means sharing info about OW current status, you don’t share every piece of information about everyone in your life with him. I can see a scenario where your H might feel he has to connect with her one last time as she may be dying…and that’s not right.

Your looking at her FB was your way of at least partially, protecting yourself and your marriage….assessing the threat….knowing what your “enemy” was up to. And your curiosity about the other part of your WH’s secret life. When you don’t feel so threatened, as you feel more and more secure, hopefully your looking at her FB will stop. If you find you can not stop checking up on her, then maybe discuss this with IC and possibly your WH. That’s the information I see as important here, that you find the need to keep checking on her. Your husband does not need an update on her life if he is making sure she is not a part of it anymore and that she is only in his past. I don’t think you should bring her into his present.
Jendo, your very big heart is evident. Your WH is lucky to have you.

plainpain posted 7/9/2014 19:59 PM

This post is a huge trigger for me, and so I am going to come at this from a different angle. My WH confessed his "almost A" to me. OW was gone from his life for 6 months. She called him from the hospital and said she just wanted to see him"one more time". He went. The sight of her all hooked up to I.V.s, etc. undid him. He was the quintessential KISA, and she hooked him. Despite knowing how completely devastated I had been by DDay 1, he went ahead and consummated it anyway.

All I will say is that this is a time for caution. Your DDay is recent, and if he has any KISA tendencies at all I would pay VERY close attention to his words and actions over the next while. You indicated that he felt he was "in love" with her - so there was an emotional investment in her at one point in time. Do not give him the benefit of the doubt. Verify.

jendo posted 7/10/2014 07:33 AM

Thank you all for your input. WH hasn't mentioned it yet so I don't think he knows about it at this time. I have decided not to tell him for now. Honestly, I don't what him to know I was looking. I don't know if it is wrong or right to look, but I do it mainly to "keep an eye on the situation". Their relationship was largely on fb chat. I've never even met her. In keeping an eye on FB I learned she has cancer among other things. My WH has always told me when she's come up in discussion at work and it had always been when major things happen like the cancer diagnosis so it has also been a way for me to verify that he's being honest with me. Maybe those are just excuses...but I know I won't do it forever. We are only three months out from dday. ow has had her share of tragedy since dday and I am truly impressed that for people who claimed they were in love they have maintained NC. It's weird how my husband truly doesn't even seem to care, but I think it is a protection thing with him. I really think he is trying hard to forget she ever existed. I hope she pulls through, but yes, my eyes are wide open.

eachdayisvictory posted 7/10/2014 07:49 AM

I think at 3 months out, it's more than normal for you to be checking on her. It is, however, hurting you. There's no doubt about that, so, really, why are you hurting yourself?

When you're ready to start feeling better, put all your energy into resisting the temptation to look her up. When you see positive change in your WS and feel like your work is on your own relationship, you'll have to tell him these things in order to have a real relationship.

For me, my addiction to checking on her FB page was the closest thing I had to understanding the A as an addiction. Doesn't excuse a thing, just an opportunity to empathise a little with my H, and for me to learn what I had to STOP doing in order to heal and progress.

You're doing great. The OW is just that, other. She is not part of your relationship, so turn away from her and toward yourself first, and your relationship second.

Tammy1 posted 7/10/2014 08:56 AM

I'm at 3 months out too. Although I think it's healthier to be open and tell your husband, I probably wouldn't at this point. I'm still checking OW's Facebook page every few days too. I know that's not good, but I'm not ready to stop yet.

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