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2 year Antiversary coming up and really struggling

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gutpunch33 posted 7/9/2014 16:14 PM

I haven't posted in a long time. Usually I just lurk and I get a lot of help just reading through many of the stories from other SI posters.

Overall we are doing pretty well for being just under 2 years. My wife has been completely transparent and has done a ton of work on her FOO issues and marriage issues. She hasn't spoken to her parents in over 20 months as they are part of her FOO issues. She is not doing anything that would make me suspicious and is completely supportive of my struggles to get over her infidelity.

It's me that keeps having the problems. I can't let go of the pain and anger towards her. I do really well most of time. I think of the infidelity every day, but am able to push through it and not let it affect me like it used to. But sometimes, when my wife does or says something that triggers me, it's like I just jump out of my chair with indignity and rage. It's really the major stumbling block I have left to overcome.

My wife is/was a very moral and upstanding person (I know, that's an odd statement but she is/was) I've always made sure to avoid places like Hooters and other risque places out of respect for her. I don't look at porn, look at other women (at least I don't stare...) and in general I try to be very respectful. Since her one night stand, she has been very suspicious at times of me and has made very accusatory comments or questions about my behavior. To be clear, I'm NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG!!! And it so outrages me that I lose it on her. I mean, it offends me so deeply that I can't think straight.

On the 3rd of July we passed a restaurant called the Tilted Kilt which is a Hooters kind of place. Tight clothes on the waitresses , etc. She thought it would be fun to go there (she didn't realize what it was but did). When I explained it wouldn't be appropriate to take our kids there, she turns it on me and starts grilling me because she thinks that since I know what kind of restaurant it is and she's never even heard of it that I must have been there somehow...

Well, that did it for me. I was so pissed off that I conciously made a decision to get drunk. Drinking too much is my terrible way to deal with being pissed off. It is a horrible thing and I do realize I'm slowly poisoning myself. It's a poor excuse but the pain of infidelity is so astoundingly hard that it numbs the pain.

Well, I got so drunk that I was puking drunk. Something I haven't done since the days of her affair. I got in to it with her and ended up pushing her down to the floor also. Which is what has me so upset. I've never, ever laid my hands on her or anyone in anger before. Even after I found out about her cheating I never did. I'm just horrified at what I've done. I've apologized profusely, I immediately quit drinking and I've called my IC to start up again with him.

My wife and I now both agree that we at a point where I either have to figure out a way to let her affair go and get on with our marriage OR if her one night stand is a deal breaker, then let's get on with figuring out how to co parent our 3 fantastic kids and seperate.

I'm really torn at this time to be honest. I absolutely love my wife and I would die without the kids. But I'm also just so tired of the pain that this continues to inflict. It's just brutal and I am just painfully torn.

2x4's welcome, advise definitely welcome.

rachelc posted 7/9/2014 17:14 PM

Married or divorced your first order of business is to deal with your anger and get if under control.,,

Badhurt posted 7/9/2014 19:17 PM

Gut Punch

Two years is a long time to still carry this anger over a ONS if she has done everything right that you have asked. if you are in IC and it is not helping, i think for you the infidelity may be a deal breaker. it IS for many.

I think part of her accusations are her telling herself it is Ok to be less patient with tour anger, and i think you better be careful because if she checks out another affair can happen in this situation in a heartbeat.

Hopefully, continued IC can still help you. However, with some of the stuff she is saying, I would start to be more observant of her actions, cell phone usage, wherabouts. Dont let yourself get blindsided.

jjsr posted 7/9/2014 20:18 PM

I am almost 3 years out and something the MC made me see was that I can be as pissed off as I want, but if the WS is doing what they need to do, if I really wanted to R, then I needed to let go of a lot of the anger. It was hurting me physically, mentally and emotionally plus it was hurting our chances at successfully Ring. This doesn't mean that I am not still mad but that for my sake I had to let it go. Its a process and a necessary one to R.

rachelc posted 7/9/2014 20:26 PM

t that for my sake I had to let it go.

How do you do this? Other than understanding that anger over years isn't good for you .,,

LosferWords posted 7/9/2014 20:38 PM

I think anger is a perfectly valid state to be in. How you deal with it is a whole different ball game. There are ways to deal with anger in a healthy manner. You might want to put that near the top of your list for talking to your IC about. Because no matter what happens in life, something is bound to make you angry at one point or another.

Have you thought about attending MC together? There might be some communication issues going on here. It sounds like to me you were pretty clear that you had not been to this Tilted Kilt place, but then she kept pushing the fact that she thought you had been there, despite what you were saying. Sounds like some sort of communication block to me, and MC is perfect for that.

Best of luck to you. Glad you are out here talking about this.

Gman1 posted 7/10/2014 07:20 AM

I hope that maybe I can help GP. Becoming a BS was the worst thing I have dealt with in my life. It was much worse than a failed previous marriage. The trauma it caused was horrific as you well know. It literally ruined nearly an entire year of my life and was the central theme of my daily existence for many months. One day I decided that I would no longer allow my life to be dominated nor ruined from her awful, selfish decisions. I drew a line in the sand and told myself that enough was enough and I was going to move on and focus only on the positives and the future.

My WW was remorseful, apologetic and ashamed of what she had done and worked on fixing herself through IC and MC. I finally forgave her and focused entirely on R. I had always thought an A would be an instant deal breaker but when it happened it was different. Of course I thought about D but I decided it would be a better choice to at least attempt R. Things are going great now, most aspects of our M are better than ever. But I learned that I simply would not allow the A thoughts/theme to continue to control my life any longer. When the thoughts came, I would force myself to think of something else and not dwell on the past. It was not easy and it still does not work every time but it sure is a hell of a lot better than sitting in that stuff day in and day out. I had suffered every second of every day from the time I woke up in the morning to the time I fell asleep. Every single moment of every single day continuously for months. The worst part was not having control of my mind which was pure torture. Finally, I simply told myself I wasn't going to take this any longer because I couldn't keep going down this same road. I would suggest when the A thoughts come to force your mind to "change the channel" and focus on something positive. I know every situation is different and every person is different but thought this may help.

tl502 posted 7/10/2014 08:54 AM

I agree gman, that's how I finally decided to deal with it as well. I was able to do this for myself at approx 1 year post dd2. It really comes down to deciding what you want for yourself and your family and realizing that you are in control of your own destiny.
Yes, it's not fair that your ws are reaping the benefit of your desire to r. There's no getting around that. If you really want to r, you just have to let that one go.
Yes, ws have screwed up coping patterns and ways of thinking, that's for them to fix. You know that you aren't doing anything wrong. You have the moral high ground. Don't let her skewed way of thinking drag you down into the mud.
I am convinced that my h has been doing the work needed for r for over a year now, I point out to him when his way of thinking or behaviors are off base, and then I let him own them.
You do need to control your anger, whatever you decide. I knew a couple of months ago, that it was my turn to make a change and let go of my anger. He was doing the work, and had been for over a year.
My best advice is to decide what you want for you and your family and step into it fully. It's very liberating to step out of limbo and start living your life again.

Gman1 posted 7/10/2014 09:15 AM

It's very liberating to step out of limbo and start living your life again

This ^^^ from tl502

Most of us BS's have learned one thing from the result of our WS's A and that is that we are stronger than we ever imagined. If we weren't strong, everyone of us would either be D'd or insane. Take some of this strength and tell yourself that you are not going to allow this to control your life any longer. It takes much discipline and effort on your part mentally. But it can be done if you totally commit yourself to it. As tl1502 said, it is a wonderful feeling when you gain back control of your own life and start the path back to happiness and normalcy again. But it is a choice that you will have to make for yourself. Nobody else can do it for you.

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