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General coping question

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doin just fine posted 7/9/2014 16:24 PM

How do you all cope with someone who has such a keenly developed sense of self-interest (i.e. selfish) that it is beyond what normal people demonstrate? At least, it is beyond what I think normal people should demonstrate. I have example upon example of how my cstbxw exhibits this behavior. At the sacrifice of me, children, and every other person in her life.

It drives me nuts. This is not normal behavior. I'm not a therapist, or a psychiatrist, but I really do believe she exhibits symptoms of hypomania (non sexualized). However, sometimes I think it is me, and perhaps she is normal and I am not.

Generally speaking though, since moving out and leaving her, I can say that I have not been this happy in years.

dmari posted 7/9/2014 16:30 PM

1. NC
2. NC
3. guess what I'm going to say ... ... NC

It's great that you haven't felt this happy in years! I'm sure part of it is due to the physical NC. Now to focus on emotional NC. The less time she is in YOUR head space, the better you will feel.

Takes time and practice but yowzers ... the benefits are worth it!

doin just fine posted 7/9/2014 16:47 PM

NC. That would be awesome.

Unfortunately, I am an idiot. I went and decided to have children with this vile person and we are still going through the divorce. And it is a kind of complicated one that could get very expensive. I'm desperately trying to keep it not so expensive. But that requires negotiating with a person whose idea of negotiating is "i get what i want and fuck you."

That includes finances and parenting. And don't think for a minute that she is fighting for full custody. Oh hell no. She wants primary custody on paper with a 50/50 split, but in practice I'll of had my twins for nearly 21 days straight and my eldest for 14. I asked her if she wanted them for one Saturday as she wasn't going to see them for awhile. No, she says. She has plans.

WTF? What kind of person am I dealing with here? She's gone off the deep end.

caregiver9000 posted 7/9/2014 17:00 PM

You can't negotiate with that kind of person. You can try and you will get screwed and frustrated and likely still end up requiring the legal system to be heavily involved.

Document what the custody schedule actually IS, (ie, you have them for 21 days straight) and then produce that schedule in court.

Go NC. Let her approach you for visitation rather than you offering. If you have the kids for the majority of the time, great! Document.

She can want all she wants and stomp her foot and even demand it. But likely what has actually been happening is favored by the courts going forward.

Detach. Disconnect. Focus on the happiness you have discovered since she's been gone.

solus sto posted 7/9/2014 17:02 PM

I cope by maintaining NC, except as necessary.

I can't change a thing about him. I tried, for far longer than healthy. I had to make a very conscious effort to let go of the things I can't control and to change the things I can. (I also had to learn to use discernment to identify things that don't really NEED to be changed, and to accept them as they are.)

Now, mostly, I work to mitigate damage done to our kids. I can't change the man---but the way he conducts himself really can be quite hurtful. So I do what I can to reframe his actions for the kids. (He is personality disordered, as well as clinically depressed. When not severely depressed, he's dysthymic---he is literally incapable of experiencing contentment. And he's also seriously ill, physically--something that has always drained our emotional and financial resources. So I try to remind the kids that he's the way he is because .... he just is. He's sick.)

I'd recommend that you stop trying to cope with your stbx's pathologies and flaws. It's not your job; she fired you.

Focus on the things you CAN control.

Gemini71 posted 7/9/2014 18:57 PM

1. NC except for children and finances. Only use written communication if possible.
2. Document everything and expect to have to fight in court.
3. Parallel parenting.
4. Get your kids in IC. Once she realizes she can't get to you the normal ways, she will try to get to you through the kids.

If you get her enough rope, she will hang herself.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 6:58 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

southsidecali posted 7/10/2014 02:24 AM

Get your kids in therapy. What we fail to realize that this is WAR, for them its a do or die.

They will try to get you through the kids, they are monsters.

Get the courts on your side, document, document, document..keep a journal or calendar of NC with kids or calls- ANYTHING. You never know how they might try to attack you.

It sucks to remain vigilant but their anger/hate-projection onto you can be debilitating. Protect you and your kids and then work on detaching.

Understand their illness so that way you can plan how to defend yourself, like Gemini said- give them enough rope, they will hang themselves.

doin just fine posted 7/10/2014 17:22 PM

I doubt we will end up in court. If she's anything it's a money grubber. And if we litigate this it could very well run into the 6 figures.

What she has is a very lose relationship with absolute truth. She also throws out little things at me then disappears, knowing that it will stress me out. I would say it's less than kind.

I have a hard time coping with it because it baffles me how anybody can really behave this way. And I wonder if most people do, and it's me that has the problem.

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