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Illness in WH family - do I say something?

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nekorb posted 7/9/2014 18:24 PM

I found out from a family member on WH's side that another family member is really ill.

In a way I'd like to just tell WH I heard and I'm sorry. Otoh- do we do that anymore?

devistatedmom posted 7/9/2014 18:33 PM

I would, but I've kept up with his family and he knows it.

A quick text just telling him you heard about xxx, and you are sorry, you hope they get better or whatever is all that is required. This person was your family at one's ok to still care.

OTOH, if WH is still being an ass to you, or may use this as an opportunity to try and manipulate you, bully you or anything else, then I would just send a card to the family member or their immediate family.

If this family member was not close to you, or mean to you, etc., it's also ok to ignore.

Go with what you feel is best, and what you feel is right for you.

phmh posted 7/9/2014 19:25 PM

I would not. You're dealing with NPD; rules are different. Do not poke the bear.

Pass posted 7/9/2014 19:47 PM

I would wait until I hear from him before I expressed any sympathies. Kind of like how we keep NC unless there is a question to answer.

Grace and Flowers posted 7/9/2014 19:50 PM

My XWH has never made a peep when family members of mine have been seriously ill and/or died. I nursed my best friend from the day of her cancer diagnosis until her death 7 months later, and again, not a peep. He knew her VERY well. He walked away from all of my family, who he'd known for 30 years.

But when I told my ex-mil that I needed take a "contact break" with her because I loved her so much, and it hurt to see her welcome OW with open arms, he called me to bitch me out for "making his mom cry".

Only you know your situation, but for me, as painful as it is, I just stay away and stay out of it. If I have sympathy or condolences to make, I make them directly to the involved family member and leave XWH out of it. Because he's an asshole.

Nature_Girl posted 7/9/2014 20:54 PM

You are out of your mind if you think you should contact him with what, sympathy? Seriously? You think your sympathy will be accepted and not turned against you?


GabyBaby posted 7/9/2014 20:57 PM

^^ Ditto NG

nekorb posted 7/9/2014 22:07 PM

LOVE that a ridiculous way!

NG - I know - I guess old habits die hard. He did try to be nice to me a couple of months ago when I had a very close family member die. Really, I think he was trying to be genuine, as I know he loved this person very much too, but it just wasn't comforting or helpful to me at all.

It was just...awkward.

SO- I guess perhaps I will just send the family member a card, if I do anything.

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

southsidecali posted 7/9/2014 22:33 PM

If your close to the family member do it directly, otherwise nothing to him.

ChoosingHope posted 7/9/2014 22:40 PM

If your close to the family member do it directly, otherwise nothing to him.


(((Nekorb))) You're such a good person.

StillLivin posted 7/10/2014 00:58 AM

Ever heard the term "No good deed goes unpunished?"
My STBX is passive aggressive, not NPD. IMO NPD is way worse.
I had heard his mother was undergoing breast cancer screening. It boggles the mind how he managed to twist my concern around on me, but he did.
Not only that, he practically verbally attacked his mother for having contact with me and told her I wasn't a part of their family anymore.
My vote, don't say anything unless he brings it up.
However, if you were close to the other family member's spouse, I would send get well wishes directly to the spouse.

PhantomLimb posted 7/10/2014 06:40 AM

Don't do it.

Something very similar happened to me a few months back with a death in X's family. A mutual friend told me and I took a couple of days to mull over what I wanted to do. Normally I would have said something just to be kind, but I hesitated because we had a mutual friend pass a few months prior, and he said nothing to me (even though he knew this person and I were very, very close).

Before I even made a decision, X wrote me such a delusional NPD email it should go into some kind of hall of fame. Others here are correct: some of the more nutty cheaters do not process these kinds of events normally. Somehow my X turned it around to make it ALL about him, while still actively pushing me away. It was like he addressed the email to me, but was talking to an imaginary friend.

I didn't respond.

A few months later, I found out that his A had been more involved than I thought and his deception worse than I initially imagined. Couple that with the fact that he didn't reach out to me when someone close to me had passed, and I would have felt like a massive chump had I continued to show that monster any sympathy.

I think not saying anything also helps you detach and break old patterns of being there for him that are beneficial in the long run.

sparkysable posted 7/10/2014 06:42 AM

I wouldn't say a word, unless his family has treated you well throughout this whole thing.

Mine turned against me and welcomed the OW and it's as if I never existed. And I was really close with them. Now? Even if one of them died, I would not offer a word of condolence at all.

sparkysable posted 7/10/2014 06:43 AM

OMG the owl!!!!!!!!

Beyond posted 7/10/2014 07:46 AM

What PHMH said. For sure.

When a NPD is playing the game, the "rules" are moot.

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