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momof1girl posted 7/9/2014 20:53 PM

So, my WH and I went NC back in January. We didn't talk at all until about April, when discussing our daughter going to visit him for the summer. Well, on exchanging her, he looked at me and said he missed me. We've been talking a little bit more lately (We share a few likes of the same tv shows and books) and he said it again the other day... that he really misses me. Not that he missed me, but that he still does and he apologized yet again for everything and said that I deserve better. So, I need to ask... does anyone think he's actually remorseful, or is he playing on my emotions? I'm trying VERY hard to keep my head about me and not let my heart take off running. He's still with OW, so it's not that they're broken up and he's lonely.

katiescarlett posted 7/9/2014 21:05 PM

Don't fall for it. If he was remorseful he would end the relationship with OW and try to make amends.

Maybe he's just trying to appease his guilty conscience?

tryin2havefaith posted 7/9/2014 21:13 PM

I agree with ^^^

As long as he is in a relationship with OW then he is in NO WAY remorseful. Keep to the 180 and only have discussions about DD.

(((Hugs and strength )))

simplydevastated posted 7/9/2014 21:14 PM

I don't know, it's hard to say. Maybe he's finally waking up to the reality of his poor decisions. Maybe he's coming around. One way to know for sure, the next time he says that he misses you respond with "If you really miss me then leave OW, and work on healing us." Then watch his body language and listen to the tone behind his words. See what that tells you. Words mean nothing without action behind them.

plainpain posted 7/9/2014 21:25 PM

So he misses you. Why wouldn't he? You are amazing. You are so amazing, you can survive what he did to you and even flourish without him. OW will never be the woman you are, and he knows it. He is sorry? Of course he is. You deserve better? Yes, you do. You really, really do. But this is not about you or about OW - infidelity is never about the AP or about the BS. He is with OW, and so as twisted and gross as it is, as long as he is in a "committed relationship" with her YOU are a potential AP to him. He's a cheater, and he wants to cheat on OW with you, because he has not done the work of a remorseful wayward.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/9/2014 22:05 PM

He misses you, but is still with the OW. It reminds me of the Etta James song, "...cry me a river. I cried a river, over you."

Here's a simple metaphor. Does he want to hold onto her hand until he has your hand firmly in his grasp? Don't let him do that. If he can't let go of her hand first, he doesn't get to grasp yours.

momof1girl posted 7/9/2014 22:21 PM

I have wondered if he is just trying to assuage his guilty mind... and that is what keeps my heart at arms length. We actually talked from 7 pm until well after 1 am this morning about True Blood, Game of Thrones, books and general nonsense. On one hand, it felt good to talk. He was my best friend and a little piece of me felt good for it. On the other hand, the biggest part of me was screaming in pain. I fell asleep crying and I haven't cried over him in months. We both talked a bit about our own shortcomings and he reassured me that I was not a bad wife or mother and that he knew I resented being just a mom and housewife (which I did not resent, I just felt like I wasn't doing what I was meant to do.. which was be the other half and pull my weight as well). He never talked about feelings or emotions and this conversation was FULL of it. Again, I'm not giving my heart reign over anything because the hurt is way too deep and way too sharp, but I guess a part of me wants to know if he really is seeing his error and is working on being a better man.

nekorb posted 7/9/2014 22:59 PM

Pull the plug on that Hoover!!!

Holy crap - I can smell the smokin' motor overheating from here.

He's still with OW, so it's not that they're broken up and he's lonely.

Well, that right there is your answer then....

Sounds like maybe Unicorn Fart land is having a run of the shits, so he's testing the waters with you again.

Hell no.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/9/2014 23:12 PM

but I guess a part of me wants to know if he really is seeing his error and is working on being a better man.

I don't see anything in what you've written that would indicate this. I have a seven year old daughter, too. The last thing I would ever do is leave my wife (using his words " a good wife and good mother") for,another woman and hurt my daughter in the process.

He just sounds selfish to me - self centered. It's like he's saying, "Hey, you were a good wife and a good mother, but you understand, I had this other thing come my way and..."

Honestly, it sounds like he just got a huge "friendship" fix from you and now he can go about his merry way. I'm not sure how healthy those multiple-hour bullshit sessions are for you. I'll bet you did cry after that tortuous session. I'll,say this gently, but it seems to me that the bottom line is that you still love him and are still,holding out some hope for a future that includes him. He's looking fondly in the rear view mirror and admiring what he just drove past. Maybe I'm wrong, but I got a sick kind of feeling after reading your post and felt,anger toward him.

Ostrich80 posted 7/10/2014 02:29 AM

He probably does miss you. Talking to you may remind him of what he lost. Maybe things are not so great in ow's camp but...he's still there so for your own sanity, don't go there with him.
He may be feeling nostalgic today but tomorrow who knows. Dont set yourself up, he will disappoint you....again.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:30 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]

UpInTheAirNow posted 7/10/2014 06:05 AM

I too broke one year of NC with WW
We sat on the deck and talked for hours.
She told me she was not in IC and that she is friends with
AP. she said that he has a special place in her heart. And is attracted to the bad boy in him. I wanted to die right there and then.
When she left I think she thought we were friends. But a few days later I texted her that I need to go back to NC with her for my own protection.
This is very recient and talking with her has brought me back to square one. She tried texting me how happy she was to see and talk to me. But I'm back to NC. Until she fixes her self.
Not sure what's right for you but going back to NC might help you.
I was wishing she had changed. But she hasn't done a thing to work on herself. Makes me cry.

HFSSC posted 7/10/2014 06:27 AM


nekorb, that was GOLD. Quote thread material.

End T/J

whattheh posted 7/10/2014 06:30 AM

I would ask him if OW knows how much time he has been talking to you and saying he misses you. What do you think his reaction would be if OW found out? Only one way to tell I guess...

Then I'd go back to 180 and contact a lawyer for D.

momof1girl posted 7/11/2014 22:01 PM

I would ask him if OW knows how much time he has been talking to you and saying he misses you.

I can almost guarantee she has an inkling but no proof. He's too good at covering his tracks (unfortunately for him, I knew how to reveal it) and she's too dumb to challenge him. Someone that was friends with him actually told me that in the 80/20 realm, she's the 20. Made me laugh my ass off. Also, he just informed me that he was passed over for a promotion and so was OW. All I can think is those consequences he was so sure he could handle when they came for him are extremely bitter now.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/12/2014 06:35 AM

Well, when he was with you, he was feeding the same bullshit lines to his OW.

Now that he's with her, he's just doing it in reverse.

This guy has NO integrity at ALL, does he?

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 6:36 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]

AmSoDone posted 7/12/2014 07:57 AM

((Hugs)) Momof1, I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, it does sound like hoovering. My ex is doing exactly the same thing to me and it's confusing and a complete mind f**k. Sadly, your WH is still with the OW (as is mine) so actions speak louder than words and in this case the words don't mean shit. You have to keep telling yourself that. If he missed you that much he would do something about it.

Sounds like maybe Unicorn Fart land is having a run of the shits, so he's testing the waters with you again.

LMAO Nekorb - thank you. I actually laughed out loud.

[This message edited by AmSoDone at 8:03 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]

yearsofpain25 posted 7/12/2014 08:07 AM

You might want to read this...

Hoovering- Don't Get Sucked Back In


JerseyCowgirl posted 7/12/2014 08:09 AM

I ditto plain pain...well said!

Kajem posted 7/12/2014 08:20 AM

Actions speak louder than words.

His actions don't match his words. Don't get sucked in.

tryingagain74 posted 7/12/2014 09:30 AM

Yuck. He wants a Plan B, a soft place to land, and to feel good about what he's done to you. My XWH tried this as well-- if he and I were buddies, then what he did to me and our children wasn't that bad, right?

Yeah, I put an end to that. Just remember what folks say on here: Friends don't do to you what he did to you.

Please resume NC with this cake eater. I know how much it hurts not to talk with the person who you thought was your best friend, but you're only going to be set back emotionally if you continue letting him into your life beyond any discussion of your DD/finances. I keep those discussions restricted to email so that my face-to-face contact with XWH is very minimal.

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