Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my affair going physical in a big way and the day after is the first antiversary. Like a bunch of other people on the boards lately, we're struggling.
I'm pretty messed up right now and this is rambling.
The 10th is a bigger trigger for me than the 11th. It's the day that I crossed the line physically. I got seriously drunk with my AP and her husband and got intimate with her with his encouragement. It's an actual and symbolic threshold in my affair (It was an EA before that). We all betrayed the hell out of my wife and I destroyed our lives.
Tomorrow is the symbol me trashing a really great marriage in exchange for someone who 'just wanted to borrow me once in a while'. F* that's triggering to say. I traded the finest thing in my life for some ego kibble and the approval of people who thought so little of my wife they would violate their friend's marriage.
My wife and I talked for a long time tonight. I had thought I was bringing up the antiversary these past several days; she thought I was avoiding it. We worked that out, but it still sucks. You know, she's a really great person. I've hurt her deeply and horribly. After this betrayal, she doesn't know if she'll trust anyone ever again. It can't be made up for, it can't be fixed. I know all the SI answers about time and transparency, digging deep for the whys and having good boundaries. I can't fix her and can only fix me, but damn it, I'm grieving for her and what she has lost because of me. She doesn't deserve it.
It's just shit and I wish I hadn't done any of it. I wish that none of us had betrayed our partners.