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One year

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NoGoodUsername posted 7/9/2014 21:09 PM

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my affair going physical in a big way and the day after is the first antiversary. Like a bunch of other people on the boards lately, we're struggling.
I'm pretty messed up right now and this is rambling.

The 10th is a bigger trigger for me than the 11th. It's the day that I crossed the line physically. I got seriously drunk with my AP and her husband and got intimate with her with his encouragement. It's an actual and symbolic threshold in my affair (It was an EA before that). We all betrayed the hell out of my wife and I destroyed our lives.
Tomorrow is the symbol me trashing a really great marriage in exchange for someone who 'just wanted to borrow me once in a while'. F* that's triggering to say. I traded the finest thing in my life for some ego kibble and the approval of people who thought so little of my wife they would violate their friend's marriage.

My wife and I talked for a long time tonight. I had thought I was bringing up the antiversary these past several days; she thought I was avoiding it. We worked that out, but it still sucks. You know, she's a really great person. I've hurt her deeply and horribly. After this betrayal, she doesn't know if she'll trust anyone ever again. It can't be made up for, it can't be fixed. I know all the SI answers about time and transparency, digging deep for the whys and having good boundaries. I can't fix her and can only fix me, but damn it, I'm grieving for her and what she has lost because of me. She doesn't deserve it.

It's just shit and I wish I hadn't done any of it. I wish that none of us had betrayed our partners.

PenitentMan posted 7/10/2014 12:38 PM

Oh no you don't: No post left behind! :)

365 days ago you crossed the line and it sucks and there's no taking it back. But life goes on and we all have to make peace with ourselves. "Your past is not who you are" as my BW told me.

So, ok, mark the day. Grieve, mourn, reflect, put a rose on the grave of your old dead marriage. But be gentle with yourself.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and a continuation of all the positive steps and actions you've taken for the past 365 days.

I raise my glass (of water) to you, NGU, and to all you waywards. May we all find peace.

EvolvingSoul posted 7/10/2014 12:41 PM

May we all find peace.
Here here.

1bigidiot79 posted 7/10/2014 12:50 PM

I can't fix her and can only fix me, but damn it, I'm grieving for her and what she has lost because of me. She doesn't deserve it.
I hear you man. This bothers me more than anything else about my situation. I want to just be able to fix it. Fix the whole situation. As men it is in our nature to think this way and want to be able to immediately solve the problem, whatever it may be. I have to constantly battle the emotion of not being able to fix this one and not shut down and just want to give up because of this.

So hang in there. Keep going. You've been heard. I have posted similar things in the past because I just needed to get it out. Know that you aren't going at it alone.

And even though the normal SI answers sometimes make you want to puke, deep down you and I both know that's what we not only need to do but it's what we have to do.

Hope your day gets better.

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