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Rubbing Salt in the Wound

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1086Strong posted 7/9/2014 21:53 PM

My WH and I have been trying to reconcile for the last 8 months and it was starting to get better until.... I had a friend recently inform me that this isn't the first time and he's been with several other girls. I confronted him and he admitted that he's "messed around" with other girls and was afraid to confess because he thought I would leave for sure. Now knowing that he's lied hurts even more, there aren't even words to describe how hurt I am and how stupid could I be to not catch this before. Part of me wants to move on with reconcile because this was before DD but the other part is afraid to keep putting effort in to something that Could possibly blow up in my face years later. He says losing me and his daughter makes him sick but I feel like that should have crossed his mind way before now. Since DD I have seen A LOT of changes in him but knowing what I know now how do I keep going. To reconcile or cut my losses? Has anyone else dealt with this before? I feel so lost.

[This message edited by 1086Strong at 9:55 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

hopefulmother posted 7/9/2014 22:09 PM

Trickle truth really sucks. It brings you right back to DDay1. Why? Because, you were establishing trust. You can't have it if you don't have all the facts. He has just shown you AGAIN that he can lie and manipulate you and the M. That breaks all respect for you. He didn't tell you because he was being selfish. He didn't want you to leave him.

It takes a long time for them to get to the point that they think of you and your healing instead of the outcome of their M.

My fWH last TT...18months after Dday.

Is he reading How to help your spouse heal?

sunvalley posted 7/9/2014 23:47 PM

I went through it for 2m, but there are plenty who had it happen longer as you did. In my case I was told there was only one OW, it ended in 2012. Two months later it turned out there were 4PAs and that they had started 2yrs earlier then I first knew. My H thought his lies were protecting me. Once I discovered the OW he continued to lie until I had to kick him out because I was sick of it. 5 days later he 'got it'. He came home, confessed everything and we decided to R. He was terrified of losing me and had convinced himself he was somehow protecting me, when really he was just protecting himself. He convinced himself that if he had stopped and we were reconciling, then the details about the past didn't matter. Trickle truths are one of the worst things that can happen for recovery, because the trust you were already starting to rebuild is shattered. Another thing to watch for with TTs is post traumatic stress - I developed it and IC told me it is more common with people who have had to deal with the truths coming out over time. It creates this fear of when the next shoe is going to drop, and a constant anxiety. You can move forward with R after TTs, but only if your husband really truly understands the impact of his actions/lies and chooses to get help and be transparent. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's an additional blow and setback to your grieving process and it's just not fair. take care of yourself and hopefully he will understand that he needs to provide you all the truths, all the answers and let you decide if he's worth staying with or not. I don't believe you can reconcile unless you have all the truths that you want/need. Some people may not want to know everything, some need to, but as long as he's purposely hiding anything from you reconciling will be a challenge. Ultimately it will be up to you whether you reconcile or not, but I hope he realizes now the impact of continuing the lies and deceit and does something about it.

Tammy1 posted 7/10/2014 09:02 AM

I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do in your situation. (((hugs)))

1086Strong posted 7/10/2014 09:20 AM

@hopefulmother I bought the book a few months after DD and I read it but he didn't but now for us to recover I feel like he needs to or it's sign that he doesn't want this to work. I have considered kicking him but I'm afraid it would drive us apart! He completely admits that he was selfish he doesn't deny it and he doesn't put any blame on me I believe that has to count for something, right?

ckss4 posted 7/10/2014 09:41 AM

So sorry to hear you are in this situation...I hope others can give you some good advice.

hopefulmother posted 7/10/2014 13:22 PM

I would make it a requirement or kick him out. If he really wanted to R, he would be willing to read that book in particular. Make him read a chapter, then talk to you about it.

My husband finally got "it" when he started to read that after his last TT. That was about 2 months ago now. He was so dismayed that he literally did everything wrong from the very start.

yme32313 posted 7/10/2014 13:31 PM

Sucks to find out from someone else! How are you feeling about this? Has he completely confessed and is remorseful to how you feel? Take time to yourself and think of what action you'd like to take.

((hugs))

1086Strong posted 7/10/2014 20:25 PM

I feel so confused, I feel like the last 7 years of our relationship have been a lie how do I come back from that!? I still very much love him and don't want to lose him but I feel so scared that he he's just going to keep doing this. He has confessed everything and was completely sobbing over it so I feel like he regrets and truly wants to make it work. I just want to start over from scratch and I don't know if that is possible.

hopefulmother posted 7/10/2014 21:31 PM

I think it is always possible, as long as they are doing everything you need for R.

They act like children when they have an A, then they need to be treated like children after the A. There needs to be repercussions if they can't live by your rules.

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