20 months since Dday. Things are going really well.
A TRUE AH-HA moment. Thanks to another poster, who is still trying to understand what their WS was thinking.
Background: I am a type A personality. The true to the core pyramid lover. I need, love, and crave order. Detailed obsessed. Analytical and critical. Fiercely loyal. Great for all my life endeavors. Probably the worst for being a BS. The typical childhood abuse issues and abandonment issues from parents. Not so bad, they made me driven and independent. Self-assured. Bad for a BS. It makes it harder to forgive, trust, move-on, believe, and above all: rely upon the unknown. I know many of you BS can identify with me. The ones that live for the future, making it hard to live day to day. (The type of living you need for MC) If there are the perfect storm WS, then I feel like the perfect storm BS. The classic, "You couldn't have chosen a better person to cheat on." "If there was to be suffering, we at least wanted reason for it, predictability to it, and preparation to endure it. The randomness terrified us."
Constantly stuck in the loop of trying to understand. Until- today.
The Ah-ha moment. Do I really want to understand the why's of how a person stops being a human being? "The primary characteristics of being human is knowing what constitutes right and wrong and what it means to be responsible." To truly understand, I would need to feel it. To be in that state of mind. I don't. I don't want to ever be able to understand how these WS can do what they do. EVER
For some months, I have been focusing on me. On making myself more. On transcending this hand that I was dealt with and becoming better. A woman full of grace, mercy, and forgiveness. At the same time (so I have come to realize after reading the other post) I have begun to let go. Just as my fWH has begun to truly get the A and its impact.
I am done with focusing on him, the situation, the reasons why (which I know), but most of all understanding the HOW.
I am not that selfish and will never understand the HOW. And honestly...it scares the shit out of me to ever imagine a point in my life where I would understand that brokeness.
Can we get to a point where we feel overwhelming pity for our WS? I know I do...at this moment. It has reduced me to tears. What has my beautiful husband done to his soul? How do I help him heal the damage he has done to himself?