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advice needed on how to tell other BS

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hopeful325 posted 7/10/2014 00:07 AM

It's been over a year since my WH P/EA ended. Recently I found out that he broke NC a few times. Working through that but the good part is that seemed to open his eyes to what kind of person OW is. He no longer has any desire to know her. We have decided to consider telling OWs BH. It looks like my only choice is to call or email him at work since that is the contact info that I will be able to get. At least Im hoping to get it, otherwise my only optiin is showing up on door step :/ I'm doing this because I'm pretty sure the my H wasn't her first and my H says he's pretty sure that she will do it again. It's a cross between wanting to help this innocent man and the simple fact that our M Has been through the ringer and she has no consequences. I will be honest, its little bit of being kind and Noble with a touch of spite. I'm not sure how to go about it and would like some advice. I can offer proof if he asks. My husband (he has considered contacting her BH before) suggested a simpletter "Ask your wife who (insert my H's name here) is" and leave it at that. I think I'd like to offer a little more. What do you all think? Any experiences to share?

BrokenheartedUK posted 7/10/2014 02:24 AM

I think you should tell him and share all the information that you have. If you can get his work email that would be the best thing but you could also send him a letter to work. He has the right to know what the truth about his life is and his wife has the right to have her marriage be dragged through the wringer.

You don't say what your proof is but if it's phone records or texts or something, copy them and send them in the email. Give him everything you have, offer to meet with him and then see what happens next.

My husband initially lied about who the OW was married to to try and protect her marriage from me--it was pretty much the first thing I did was to phone who I thought was her husband. He had sent her a NC email on DDay and ironically, her husband found it 10 days later in her trash folder. So, I figure if that isn't karma I don't know what is. Good luck!

wannabenormal posted 7/10/2014 02:41 AM

I'm a firm believer in letting the other BS know, if you can. I also believe in disclosing because you feel it's the right thing to do - not just to retaliate.

OW's BH called me; we talked and compared notes. I realize now it was good to 'really' know since XH was such a liar at the time.

hopeful325 posted 7/10/2014 05:50 AM

I think we have decided to definitely tell him, I will be the one to make contact but my H fully supports it and has helped me find out where he works. My problem is how to word it in a gentle yet firm way. I want to inform him in a way that causes the least amount of pain if possible.

tfkeel posted 7/10/2014 06:22 AM

I want to inform him in a way that causes the least amount of pain if possible.

I think it's good to be considerate of his feelings.
Make it factual and offer what evidence you have.

When I called the OBS (the wife) - I did not "volunteer" information to her, only stated the facts, that her husband had been involved with my wife for several months.

I told her that I was sorry for the pain and suffering this would cause her but felt like it was the right thing to do, and it was what I would want from the other BS were the situation in reverse.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 6:29 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]

BrokenheartedUK posted 7/10/2014 06:24 AM

I know you identify with the OBS--who doesn't? Just be kind and tell him politely but firmly what you know. Don't sugarcoat it but don't embellish either. Just the facts: when it started, how long, how the met, etc...

Let us know how it goes!

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