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6 months out...don't know how I feel

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Jamieeatsworld posted 7/10/2014 01:11 AM

It's been almost 6 months since DDay. My F is completely transparent. He's done everything he's said he would do to fix us. We got into one of our arguments the other day, he told me he cheated because he thought he wasnt in love with me anymore and he could do better. The most difficult thing is that we are in a long distant relationship the past two years due to problems with his visa. It's hard to trust him since he's so far. He had a 6 month affair with a MW who was using her husband for a visa.

In February, he came to see me to see where we were. So when he saw me, he said he realized nothing will compare to me and that's when he felt guilty. He didn't tell me right away, I found out through HER social media site because she was taking selfies in her underwear in his bedroom.

I think the part that hurts the most is that he chose to have this affair. He keeps saying its a mistake, but it's not! He could have stopped it when she seduced him, but he chose to let it happen. Then he chose to be in a secret relationship while I was here working on our Fiance Visa.

Even though he's been good to me and working hard to fix us, I respect him for that. But I keep dwelling on the past, and there's nothing to do to undo what he's done. I gave him back his engagement ring (which caused a lot of problems leading to the affair.) I keep thinking, I'm not officially tied down to this guy. A part of me wants to see him suffer, but a part of me cares so much about him. I just can't seem to build up the courage to actually leave him. He wants me to try living in his country and working on this relationship with him. But why do I have to make a sacrifice to him when he's the one that messed up? Why do I have to put work into it, when I didn't betray him?

I feel like since DDay he took a part of me away. A part of me that I'll never get back....I was happy before the A. But when I've seen and heard the things he's done, I've turned into "that bitch". The one who needs to ask 21 questions with everything he's doing and going. The one who doesn't respond back when he says "I love you, I miss you, and I'm sorry!" Why can't I leave him? I don't know. I feel like I could leave, but I can't. I know I still love him, but I also hate him for making me turn into "that bitch." Six months out, and I'm still confused.

What did you feel 6 months out? He's working hard at fixing us, but what do I do? How do I learn to forgive and trust again?

tfkeel posted 7/10/2014 06:43 AM

Why do I have to put work into it, when I didn't betray him?

This is the question we all ask. And, I don't know if there is any satisfying answer.

In my mind, I came to a "place" where I recognized that my WW had no ability to "heal" me. That, if I didn't want to live the rest of my life in pain, I had to do 2 things:

1) work on me, and put my own needs FIRST
2) get away from her

I wanted her to "work", I wanted her to be the one to "fix" it, I ruminated daily about "fair" - she screwed it up, she needs to fix it.....

but, I had to recognize that she had no interest in "fixing" our marriage, she only wanted the financial support and help around the house.

he took a part of me away. A part of me that I'll never get back....

I don't think that's true. I mean, yes, he took it away, but it will come back. Give yourself time.

I've turned into "that bitch".

I also turned into a raw bastard for a year. There was so much rage inside, it was almost impossible to control it.

But, gradually, that "part of me", that part which had compassion and empathy, started to again sit on the "throne" inside me. I was no longer raging, I was able to live and work and relate to people like before.

Making my decision to never again share companionship and intimacy with her was the pivotal moment. She was keeping my wound ripped open, every time I would get it bandaged, she would take off the gauze and throw salt in it.

I also hate him for making me turn into "that bitch."
He's working hard at fixing us

If the quotation marks mean that he is calling you "that bitch", then "working hard at fixing us" is a complete non sequitur.

And, this statement:

he cheated because ...he could do better

Indicates that his motives are not seriously aimed toward "fixing".

That's what I was to my WW. A "plan B", a "default".

[This message edited by tfkeel at 6:56 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]

FixYou71 posted 7/10/2014 08:17 AM

he told me he cheated because he thought he wasn't in love with me anymore and he could do better.

That should tell you everything you need to know. A marriage is a huge commitment. An engagement is the precursor to said huge commitment. He has shown himself to have no respect for commitment. By his way of thinking at any time there is a lull in your relationship and he isn't getting everything he wants out of it it is ok to look elsewhere with no discussion, warning, attempts to repair any existing issues etc. The big question is why was that o.k. to him?
You always hear on SI how the WS needs to pinpoint their 'why': why they chose to cheat vs any other option, why that was ok in their mind. They are not safe relationship material until they locate that 'why' within themselves and work to correct that line of thinking. (Wayward thinking)
I would strongly caution you against starting a life with someone who can do this so early in the relationship. He had many other choices but he chose to cheat. Do you want to risk building a life on that? He has done no work at all to show that he is a safe gamble, if there is such a thing.
You need to take stock and see if perhaps you thought your relationship was one thing when in actuality it was something else.
People on SI will tell you it takes years to work through the hell that is the aftermath of infidelity when choosing to attempt R. The ones who do attempt R and have to trudge through that hell for so long mainly do it because they have spent years together and/or have children. It would be difficult for myself to find the motivation to do so if I was at the beginning just starting to build my life's foundation. That is a horrible foundation that likely will not hold up to marriages trials and challenges.

eachdayisvictory posted 7/10/2014 08:32 AM

I have to agree with Fixyou71. An affair during an engagement, for me, would be a 'near miss'. I would not move forward with that relationship. You will find someone else, you are good enough. You may not want to hear these things right now, but I believe that you should seek a new and healthy relationship.

Jamieeatsworld posted 7/10/2014 11:39 AM

We've been together for 7 years. He cheated on me for 6 months in our 6th year. Granted we haven't lived in the same country the past two, going on three years. I feel I've invested so much time and effort, I feel it's hard to let it go. I do believe him when he tells me he never wants to hurt me like that again, and truthfully, he's more emotional about our situation than I am. I don't know if it's because he gave up his friends and family ( who ALL encouraged him he could do better and to cheat on me with this MW). I don't know if it's the distance that killed us plus this MW using him for shelter from his own marriage. But I don't know if I could ever leave him. It's harder than i imagined it would be. In my head, I always said I'd just leave him if he cheated, but six months out, I can't! And he doesn't even live here!

Mama3030 posted 7/10/2014 12:19 PM

Are you in counseling???

I am almost 6 months out (well 5 months) also. I kept thinking "why do I have to go to therapy, there is nothing wrong with ME". Well that was stupid. I am finally going and it helps so much.

I'm still really angry and bitter but it gets better.

Personally I would not reconcile with someone who had that long of an affair and we weren't married. If you think getting out after 7 years is tough, imagine trying to get out after you have children and are completely intertwined with him in every aspect (finances, house, kids, everything).

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