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I either blew it or God gave me a gift

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Shattered031307 posted 7/10/2014 01:58 AM

Separated (in house together, different rooms, no intimacy, little time together) each day he is more comfortable and happy and I am angrier and more ready for him to move back to Saudi Arabia and work or do whatever but just get out of my life....I don't care if he goes back to her...twice a cheater and I'm DONE. Just waiting for the summons and splitting of assets...

So...what is it that I did that may be bad or good? ...I signed up on a dating site to make a few single email friends -

I was very specific that I'm looking to making a friends to do activities with, museums, festivals, etc.

I felt this honesty wouldn't lead anyone on or give a wrong impression and when I'm ready to actually date, I can change my intro. All my friends are married and with my last child a senior in high school, I wanted an ego boost and to see if I'm even up to the standards of local singles.

The good news is that several men did seem interested so that made my month! I was just about to log off when a chat popped up....I hadn't replied to any other chat requests...but I did to this one. I'm seriously sitting here with one eyebrow cocked up into my hairline because it seems "God sent". Why?

This man is not only very good looking, overseas on deployment - so he can't be in it totally for a one night stand - he had also just signed up today and we were each other's first chat. I only answered because of his smile and he said the same. Hours of texting later, I am touched by his sincerity and wondering how on earth this man said the two things I HAD to hear (I did not post this on my "dating profile"). He is looking for someone who is "'genuine and honest', not a cheater and wants to always have communication and talk with each other nightly". OK, it will be a very long time before I can take anything at face value but....OMG!

I will take the ego rub, even if that is all it turns out to be, but man alive, the things he says he wants in a relationship and a woman fit me and what I want! Oh, and the part about talking....I will NEVER be with another man who wants me to talk less and make me feel shame that I talk out my feelings, thoughts, hopes and dreams.

He's a chaplain too I! Mind blown. But cautious, oh so cautious. He, or any other man, will have so much work to do to help me through it all when it comes to TRUST. My honesty and upfront talk about this issue will probably scare him away - I know it would me - but how wonderful to be so wholly drawn into and found to be worthy of a single/future life!

Seeing a bright light!?!

hummingbird8 posted 7/10/2014 02:53 AM

Just a word of caution. I have read many times men on dating sites who are often deployed or out of the country for work, it could be a scam. In fact I think one of the women here just went through this. She talked to him quite a bit before realizing.

Good luck and be careful.

Catwoman posted 7/10/2014 04:47 AM

When I did the OLD thing, I got hit on a LOT from people who were overseas. They came on STRONG with a thick layer of ego balm.

I didn't buy it, and I am glad.

Be careful. I had good experiences with OLD, but I didn't let myself get sucked in to things like this, or the 20-something's that thought a 40-something sugar mama might prove interesting.

Some of these folks really lay it on good. They can be hard to resist. Be careful.

You may also want to consult with your attorney about how this may affect your legal position.


cayc posted 7/10/2014 06:53 AM

Oh dear. First of all, no matter what anyone's profile says dating sites are for dating. If you are looking to make friends, that's what is for. So every guy who looks at your profile is looking to date you, not be friends with you and have a shopping buddy.

Second, deployed men use OLD to trawl for women, as an easy way to set up affairs. At least that's what my deployed xWH used to do.

Maybe you're lucky (I certainly hope so) ... proceed with caution. Oh and recognize that your stbx can now accuse you of doing exactly what he did. Really, I know the validation of hearing someone be sweet to you feels good & it's been waaaaay to long since someone has been, but just recognize that you aren't actually D yet.

IrishGirlVA posted 7/10/2014 07:12 AM

I tried to do the same thing and found that even though my profile said I was looking to make friends only, I was pursued by men with really big ego's believing they could change my mind. And yes, I had received a lot of so-called service members who wanted a pen pal from back home. Perhaps they were genuine but because of all the catfish situations out there, I had to stay clear. I knew I was still too vulnerable to know the difference down the road.

So I went back to my local singles meetup group. I don't treat it as a dating outlet but rather a great opportunity to meet friends of all shapes, ages and sexes. It's been a godsend.

I hope your living situation changes for you very soon!

PhoenixRisen posted 7/10/2014 09:08 AM

Why are you on a DATING site if you admit you aren't ready, nor want, to date?

You are blood in the water to predators on OLD. Scammers target women who are newly separated (aka vulnerable) and just looking for friendship (aka lonely).
A good looking, overseas, chaplain. Seriously?
I can guarentee he will ask you for $ to 1) help his charity, 2) buy his airfare to see you, 3) help get his passport which was stolen... Along with all his cash & credit cards.

I bet he didn't just join up today. He saw your new account then created a new profile to match yours (the "not a cheater" is key... He's hunting women who have been cheated on). He is a predator. There is a reason he is too good to be true.

Close you account.
Sign up on a meetup site instead.

fraeuken posted 7/10/2014 09:18 AM

Be very, very careful. This sounds like the classic Nigerian scam. I had almost exactly the same scenario happening to me. In my case a very good looking widower, very sincere, but on deployment overseas so that would explain some communication difficulties. He wanted to take all communication outside of the dating site pretty much immediately. Everything you describe feels like a huge red flag.

Download his picture and do a Google search on it. Mine turned out to be a lawyer from the East Coast.... the picture was stolen from his website and had been used to create this fake persona.

I hope for you this is the real deal, but please check it out. And if you find he is a scammer, report him.

norabird posted 7/10/2014 09:38 AM

I hate to pile on but please step back. If you want to meet new people, use meetup. Otherwise, now is the time to work on yourself, to process what has happened, to focus on building up a life for yourself that isn't dependent on a temporary ego fix.

You can do it! Just step away slowly from the OLD....

PurpleRose posted 7/10/2014 11:30 AM

If it sounds too good to be true (ie:God gave you a gift?!??) then it probably IS.


cissi posted 7/10/2014 15:51 PM

I was going to suggest that you run the picture of him through Google too. I don't know how to do that but if you need help with that I'm sure someone here can give you instructions.

My reaction to your entire post was also, uh-oh.

Crescita posted 7/10/2014 16:05 PM

I will take the ego rub, even if that is all it turns out to be

I'm not going to pile on because you said this, and I think the spirit of your post is just that you are glad you've had a bit of faith in man kind restored.

Shattered031307 posted 7/10/2014 23:16 PM

Thanks everyone. I hear ya, did a search late last night and red flags did go off.

I don't know was OLD is but it sounds like something I don't want to be a part of. I have never heard of meetup so maybe that is the way to go.

Love the perspective, keep me straight!!!


7yrsflushed posted 7/11/2014 14:47 PM

OLD = On-line Dating

So every guy who looks at your profile is looking to date you, not be friends with you and have a shopping buddy.
^^^If you are on a dating site then people assume you are actually on the site to date. Please be careful. IMO, you are much better off doing something from meetup or even volunteering to meet single people. Also you are still technically married so "decent" guys WILL shy away from you. The ones that actually WILL talk to you even though you are married are a little suspect. Being friends is cool but if they are flirting, etc, and they know you are married it's likely not what you are looking for. Just my opinion though. Unfortunately there ARE plenty of married men and women that are out doing things they aren't supposed to be doing. I get hit on by more married women than single women. My women friends say the same thing about lots of married guys hitting on them.

All my friends are married as well and it took me a few months to figure out where the single people in their mid 30's actually congregated. I personally am not interested in online dating because of privacy issues but to each his/her own. There are tons of summer events, concerts, fairs, etc. depending on what area you live in. I have found those events are good for meeting new people and just getting out figuring out how to actually talk to others as a single person again.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:51 PM, July 11th (Friday)]

Kajem posted 7/11/2014 21:43 PM

Join for friends.

I moved to a new city and joined 5 different meetup groups. New city newbies, music lovers 45+, beginner dance group, Christian singles social group 45+, and a service group that volunteers for all sorts of things.

The meetup groups cover everything from book clubs to extreme sports and travel. Check out what's happening near you. If you don't find an interest start your own meetup.

Good luck,

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