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Why am I triggering?

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UndecidedinMA posted 7/10/2014 05:03 AM

Really he has done everything - very transparent. I have access to cell, email etc. He is so not tech savy, no he really is. It took 4 yrs for him to give up flip phone!

But why approaching 3 years of no interference, seeing any attempts for C. He shuts it down,

Bur yet - why an I still checking email, phone & texts. He always come up clean. It is almost like a gotcha game but without his doing any thing wrong.

I used to be the one who says Love you - when we parted. He is now the one who says it first, hugs me longer, and miss you.

Ok why can't I be happy with that. Why I am always looking for problems that never appear?

Chinadoll30 posted 7/10/2014 06:32 AM

I'm no expert, but it sounds as if you still have not healed from the trauma. Did you do IC? Deal with all those messy FOO issues?

eachdayisvictory posted 7/10/2014 07:01 AM

Why are you doing those things? Because every single part of your world that you thought was true was ripped out from under your feet. Without being asked, the person you thought was your life partner was making hurtful decisions about your relationship. Your sense of self was assaulted, and when you feel like things are going well, your survival instinct now tells you, 'well, maybe it is, but remember that shitstorm? We can't have that again, now can we!'

So, forgive yourself. You are allowed to go a little crazy sometimes.

Next, figure out what YOU want. Do you want to live in that pain? Do you want to live in the present and find peace? If you want to stop re-living the pain, then notice the actions that you dislike (could be checking-up constantly, facebook creeping, focusing on the AP, self-deprecating thoughts) and work on CHANGING them.

For example, if you check emails and texts daily, start limiting yourself to weekly, then monthly. I even found that my journaling needed to change after a year or so. It was no longer helpful for me to ruminate on my pain or anger as intensely as I needed to in the beginning.

Also, a total game-changer for me was when I brought my H into my struggles. Recently, I created a fake facebook account to see the OW. Things were going great, so great that I thought, 'shit, am I an idiot? Is this like during their 2 1/2 year A when I was completely nave?" That led to my poor decision to look at her face again. It leaked into every part of my life. I was sad and bitter again, I acted differently toward my H, my children suffered for my shortness and distraction. So, I did the opposite of what I had done in the past - I decided to tell H everything. He was sad, it made him doubt our progress, my commitment to our marriage - all the things I feared he would do before. I told him that, and that my instinct was to not tell him, but that I wanted to change our relationship and tackle this shit together. It took all I had not to shout out "AND WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING TO US WHEN YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR!!!!!" But I really wanted this to be about US, and not anything else. I'm very glad I stopped that from coming out of my mouth. We deleted the fake facebook account together. I feel incredibly relieved now, and it brought us closer together.

So, who knows. Who knows if we can live with this forever. That thought scares me, and then I have to come back to this day, this moment right now. Right now I am here with my husband, I like who he is and what he is doing, I like who I am and how our home feels for our two beautiful boys. So I'm going to do the work with my therapist that I need to stay on this path of honest work. I am going to do what I want to do for myself and those I love. That is all. Nobody knows what's going to happen later on. To try to know is what makes us go crazy.

Sorry for the ramble, but I want to finish with a quote that I got from other posters here that I carry with me at all times;

"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
-P. Chodron

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