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Do you feel like you aren't healing sometimes

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Acer0112 posted 7/10/2014 05:44 AM

I can't get past the feeling of rejection and how my STBX family and friends keep supporting WH, like he needs to be asked and cared for, ah, poor guy is getting divorced. They don't ask me anymore. My family and friends check on me all the time which I am so thankful for. But I miss my old support.

It's sad to think people I considered like parents and sisters can avoid me and not see the pain their son and brother has caused. My kids seem fine right now, I am coping, maybe everyone thinks hey, what a great decision to divorce, look how happy everyone is.

I feel like I'm faking it. I am trying to be strong. I know what I need to do to heal, mentally think the right things to avoid cascading into darkness. If I could walk around crying all day I think I would. If I could stay in bed all day with the drapes pulled, I would. But my two wonderful kids keep me going, I have to be strong for them. I just can't stand how everyone keeps supporting WH and his hurtful, soulless way of ending our marriage. I'm damaged, I'm sure the kids will be scarred, but everyone thinks this is so great. I don't. Not yet.

I tell myself I'm healing, people told me this week I sound like I'm in a better place healing, but am I really making progress? Why could someone that loved me and the kids turn so selfish after 20 years of wonderful? I will never get it, and rejection stings. I'm afraid that will be the one feeling I live with everyday the rest of my life.

[This message edited by Acer0112 at 8:36 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]

Thefly559 posted 7/10/2014 06:27 AM

you are not alone acer I feel like this often. I survive because I must, I make it look ok because I have no other choice often I want to crawl up in a ball and wallow in my pain but I don't . to lose all my money, dreams, family , best friend,trust in one shot is by far the hardest challenge of our life. We keep strong because we have to. It is 16 months since d day and I am years better than in the beginning , dating and life looks great but inside lots of pain, as you. her friends and family members ( who I do not speak to and somehow side with and believe her lies) often ask through the grapevine if I am still bitter? lol really? f--k them all I realize now is that they were all garbage and never a friend I will never speak to them again ever. that is fine by me too. heal yourself fix yourself and cry often its ok. just wanted to let you know that I feel the same . All the best

SBB posted 7/10/2014 06:44 AM

Your DD was so very recent. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't expect too much.

You don't always have to be strong. I used my time away from my girls to do my falling apart. I've reinforced my support system and added a whole new branch too.

This shit takes time and work.

Keep reading. Keep posting. We've all been right where you are now. I had to remind myself that this was happening to me - not to anyone around me. They did not understand because they had not been through it. They are just living their lives. I remember thinking it was hard to fathom that people could just be walking around without understanding that the world had just caved in. But their world hadn't. Just mine.

It is little comfort to you now but I promise you won't always feel this way. You'll see what they are doing not as a rejection of you or as support to him but simply the path of least resistance. I still miss my XSILs and I know the whore is now a part of their lives - it was not their choice but blood is thicker than water and in order to maintain a relationship with their brother/BIL they need to accept the whore as a part of the package whether they approve or not.

People incorrectly assume that infidelity is caused within an M and therefore the ramifications end when the M ends - the truth is the cheater is beyond flawed and the damage they do has a ripple effect.

Don't expect too much of yourself. This stuff is painful and takes time to work through.

sparkysable posted 7/10/2014 06:53 AM

Your D-day was only in January. 5 months out and I was still wailing on the floor in the fetal position, wishing that I would just die right there on the floor because clearly, no human could ever survive such pain. The first year was just a blur for me. I barely made it through each minute of the day.

The thing that really gutted me though was the way that XWH's family turned against me and welcomed the OW as if I never existed. I still struggle with it.

I am 4 years past D-day, and sometimes I do feel like I'm faking it. I don't want to admit that 4 years later it still bothers me. I don't tell anyone except people here, because everyone else is "over it". I don't think I will ever be "over it". I think I'll learn to live with it, but it will always be there.

cayc posted 7/10/2014 07:08 AM

The families of WS often roll over and validate the WS and accept the OP not just because they don't get infidelity, but also if they *don't* it often means they would have to accept that something is wrong with them too. So just understand that this is just a sign that your ILs aren't good enough for you either.

Trust me, I know. Can you imagine how it felt to see my then MIL sending my then WH's OW#umpteen christmas cards and saying how she couldn't wait to meet her???? That's when I saw how deeply ingrained my xWH problems were, his own family condoned cheating, encouraged it even!

I'm two years from D and still feel rejected, still hurt, still am angry. But it's all a different flavor. I've worked hard on myself and to rebuild my life. Ive had one postD relationship that ended badly (but taught me what intimacy was), which went a long way to making me realize that I will find a new and better partner. And also now, when I feel those old hurts roil up in my brain I realize, I'm glad that POS rejected me because he's a low class motherfucking waste of the oxygen he breaths. I'm angry, but at the appropriate level where I think, ok, what can I do to make things better for me. So I still have these feelings, but they are now empowering instead of making me curl up in the fetal position in tears (which trust me, I did a lot of).

You'll get there. It won't be linear. Healing is it's own roller coaster, but if you put in the effort, it will get better and the day will come when those bad feelings just make you glad you got away.

I'm told the holy grail is indifference. I'm usually an imperfect person so I doubt I'll ever get there, but it's a nice thought to hope for!


minniegal posted 7/10/2014 08:17 AM

I could have written every word of your post. I am right there with you!

It's frustrating, upsetting and hurtful over and over again. My mum keeps telling me that it's not about supporting him - but them trying desperately to keep hold of their grandkids.

During our M we visited about 6 times a year. Mainly holidays, birthdays etc. This was ex's choice - he liked to think he was "close" with his family but he really never made an effort. It all came from me. Reminders to call his mom, sisters, scheduling visits, invitations all came from me. I think mil always knew that so now she's scrambling.

He's living with his sister right now. (loves being the centre of attention and having someone dote on him). The boys will stay over there when it's his weekend and shows up with food. Every time. He comes over here to visit the boys on Tuesday nights and you guessed it...he brings dinner freshly made from mil. (notice he hasn't had to make any effort or spend money on food himself?) He also takes them over to their place on his weekends. Mil makes them dinner and gives the boys $$. No effort to the ex, he looks like a doting dad, everyone rallys around him and makes him the centre of attention. It's all about him.

BUT - all of his family is still friends with me on facebook. A couple of his cousins has messaged me to find out what is my side of the story (he told them nothing)and have responded with shock and disgust and support for me. They just can't show it in the open. Blood is thicker than water. Just don't assume they are doing it by choice.

Build up your own network of support separate from him. It will take time. I know I'm working on it and it's tough. So many of our friends really are OUR friends as we were together for so long. And some of them are having a hard time taking sides (despite how they feel about what he did). So I know I need to branch out for new friends. Not replacing the old - many of them will eventually come back - but I need support now so I can be strong. I have a big legal fight ahead of me and I can't afford to fall apart daily anymore. I have to focus on my own emotional needs and try to forget about what's happening with him.

Pass posted 7/10/2014 09:53 AM

Oh, Acer, you're still so new. When I was at your point in time I WAS crying every day.

Now, 20 months after DDay - and 17 months from separation - I'm WAY better. It still sucks, and I have some truly horrible days once in a while (yesterday was one), but it is mostly good.

And I'm sorry, your ex-in-laws aren't your family anymore. It hurts like hell, I know, but they just aren't. Look at how your family has rallied around you: That's what his family is doing as well. They don't want to believe that he is a lying, cheating arsehole, so they are drinking whatever kool-aid he's serving up. It makes it easier for them.

You will have better days, and you ARE strong enough to handle this. You may think you're not right now, because you've never had to deal with this type of thing before. But look at all the thousands of members on this site. We all thought we couldn't handle it, and we are.

I recently found a quote on the Web:

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn't live without? Well, look at you, living and shit.

You may not feel like it, but you really are healing. It's happening in minuscule bits at a time, but it is happening.

You've got this shit covered. I swear you do.

BrighterFuture posted 7/10/2014 12:15 PM

The thing that really gutted me though was the way that XWH's family turned against me and welcomed the OW as if I never existed. I still struggle with it.


I still feel rejected, feel insecure, and unlovable at times.
I'm still angry and still in disbelief that he really did this to me yet I'm 16 months from DDay. I hope we don't stay in pain forever, and that there's happiness in store for us.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/10/2014 12:26 PM

I know how you feel...I sent fb messages to XH sisters and told them he was threatening suicide, he was out of control, I needed prayers for our family. His sister told me Jesus Christ was not Santa Claus and with all I had done, no wonder he wanted to leave.... Excuse me? I told them most of everything, but they deleted my texts till I contacted the mother. I told her everything. She believed me, but everyone is still supporting XWH. It sucks!!! My XWH NEVER wanted to go see them, etc. I am the one who kept the whole thing going.

Well,,, fast forward 3 years .. No one contacts me, but XWH didn't go see his elderly mom and family for his 1 week vacation. He took the OW and her mother to a different state. My kids say the sisters don't talk to XH anymore...

I'd love to have a full family reconcilliation, but it's not gonna happen... things like that only happen in fuctional families...

Saadnblu posted 7/10/2014 18:27 PM

Acer, go easy on yourself. I agree with the other posters: it all takes time. A lot of time. At 5 months out I was a total wreck, still. I found the only thing that helped was to engage my mind in learning something really difficult, in a class. But this was only part of the time. It really helped me with rumination and obsessive thoughts. But the rest of the time I had them, and I was in tortured hell. His parents (in their 90s, with whom I had relationships) never contacted me. It's been a year and no contact. Not one. Blood is thicker than anything. I'm just saying: you are not alone, be gentle with yourself, consider taking one tiny step when you can, and take very good care of yourself, as much as you can. You will find strength and believe in yourself again. Absolutely.

kernel posted 7/10/2014 19:43 PM

Sometimes the reasons for the X's family "welcoming" the OW are for other reasons than FOO issues. My X's parents are elderly - they're pretty terrified that if they don't make nice with OW, they'll never see their son. They've already lost 2 daughters in separate car accidents over the years, and they could not take another loss.

I still talk with them and we have lunch or dinner every so often. They always say they didn't divorce me. I love them both dearly, but it's sometimes really hard to still be a part of their lives. It always reminds me of everything I lost and sometimes it's incredibly awkward.

The damage these asshats cause takes its toll on the whole extended family.

HurtingandLost posted 7/10/2014 22:22 PM

5 months is still too early to be so hard on yourself. I didn't come out of the daily down for almost 7 months, and another 6 to get my self confidence back. It's been 4 years and although it no longer consumes my thoughts, when it does pop up I feel disgusted with ww (mainly because she never worked on herself so we could work on marriage).

Phoenix1 posted 7/10/2014 23:05 PM

I saw a FB post the other day that hits home with this and really struck a chord with me. It said, "The problem with being strong is that no one ever asks if you are okay." Being strong when we have kids is just what we do, even if we are crumbling inside. You are still new to the hurt. When I was where you were I took long walks to cry alone, or it was in the shower, or in bed at night. Anywhere where no one saw my emotional meltdowns. But it DOES get better with time, even if you have to fake it till you make it.

As for WH's family, realize that for most blood will always be thicker than water. You don't need them anyway. You will get through this and, in a few months from now, be amazed at how far you have come from this post. Hang in there!

norabird posted 7/11/2014 10:10 AM

You are healing, but it's so early. Be gentle. Healing isn't linear; it takes time, and aptinece, and work. You're doing great. Rely on your won friends and family, and take comfort in knowing that the STBX's side are all wrong

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