What did other people do, what can I do. I'm trying to fix my shit. But at the same time, constantly beating myself up about how I'm starting to be a better person now, and why I couldn't do this before. That I want to be able to regain her trust again, but she doesn't even want to speak to me ( Blocked me on Facebook) and we have both deleted the others number.
Part of me is worried that if I go out with my friends on the weekend and by chance she does see me. She ends up wanting to talk to me again or us sleeping together again, even though i know it wont lead to us getting back together, I know it will throw me back again with more hope. Then again it might not lead to that, that might not even happen. Part of me just continuously wants to sleep and just keep dreaming. So I don't have to keep thinking about all of this.
Constantly just hating myself, for what I have done, and speaking to friends and family about it, I repeat myself or i over analyse which is something I have done since I was little. Starting to feel all alone again even though I know I have people there
[This message edited by DWelshe at 7:21 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]
NC Since 6/7/2014
constantly beating myself up about how I'm starting to be a better person now, and why I couldn't do this before.
I so do this constantly. I look back on all of my wasted time. why didn't I do this sooner before I destroyed my BS. It is a hard place to be, but for myself I let me feel it. So that I can make sure to never waste time again.
Starting to feel all alone again even though I know I have people there
I have done this for a lot of years. I could be surrounded by a room full of people and still feel alone. Maybe you need some alone time in your head to process what has happened. And then work through what you want to be and how to get there. Put a plan in place for becoming the "you" that you want to be.
So I don't have to keep thinking about all of this.
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
I know what I need to change and i feel like I have been able to make those changes in my life. I know speaking to the counselor about my issues will help as well, as it means i can finally get them off my chest.
I guess part of me is wondering will she contact me again in the future, when shes had her time to heal. Or will she just leave it there. And will i be the same, Im a person who always like to know answers, and with being in such an unknown. It scares me alot
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot changes
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
It helps when I feel hopeless...
Im a person who always like to know answers, and with being in such an unknown. It scares me alot
Because of my past with my dad and my mum i wanted to do anything i could to stop it, but i couldn't i could only be there to comfort my mum afterwards. I was the one who found my fathers emails or images and told my mum about them thus ending them getting back.
I want to heal but I'm finding it hard when everyday im thinking of her and then beating myself up. Makes me breakdown all the time having to lie to myself and others thinking its fine ill speak to other people move on with my life.
I think that loss of control has already reared its ugly head. And i know all the stuff i did was completely fucked up. I wish i realized all of my issues sooner. Thats why I'm making these changes to be better. But i also want to fight to regain her trust again. But i can never do that now with the NC. Ye we might bump into each other but thats it. Nothing, Out of my life completely. Yes she might message me again in the future, but there is no guarantee of that.
Let her go, fix you, and if you are meant to be together you will be.
Makes me breakdown all the time having to lie to myself and others
I know I need to see how the future goes I do find it scary in a way but I know when I do, it will make me a better person.
When I meant im lying, its just if im breaking down in work. I have to suck it up a bit and lie to myself saying its fine your ok etc and hold it in, as i don't want it affecting my work. Should have been more clear on that i guess, I was in such a flustered state I guess I didn't realize how it came across, which is something else I have got to work on. When I'm at home or with family if I breakdown I can call someone and get it off my chest.
Tomorrow is a new day. Going out with some old uni friends for a send off for someone so that should be nice. Different crowd of people different place. Will help me forget about her and enjoy myself focusing on me.
[This message edited by DWelshe at 12:57 AM, July 11th (Friday)]