I have always been an upfront person. I was terrible at "game playing", basically, what you saw was what you saw was what you got. I meant what I said and stood up for the things I believed in. My family meant the world to me. Even after learning of WH's affair, I loved him so much and basically turned myself into a doormat because of it. I had to "fix" all of the things on his laundry list of things I did wrong. I did....I became the person he thought he wanted me to me, but it still wasn't enough...he took the A underground and continued it for months during our false R. That hurt me even more than when he confessed the A.
Then I got sick and almost died. Doctors attribute it to the possibility of stress playing a contributing factor to my illness since I was so healthy before and there was "no reason for what happened to me to have happened." (Their words) I'm still suffering the aftereffects of my illness and probably always will.
It's so sad for me to read of so many other people on these forums have expressed how their spouse's A, have effected their health because I know what they're going through and how much it hurts to know that you could be sick because of the actions of the person you loved and trusted the most in the world. For me, I try not to think to often about this, but at times it really bothers me.
I have thoughts that if I wasn't enough for him when I looked my best, when I could do anything, when everything I did for him wasn't enough, what happens if he gets sick and tired of being a caregiver? What happens if he gets sick and tired of not being able to do the things that I know he loves to do because I no longer can?
To his credit, in the 2 years of my attempts at recovery, he has never ever acted as if it was an imposition to do what I need him to do for my care. During my 6 month stay in the hospital, he was there every day. But I know that he likes to give the impression of "aren't I such a great guy". He likes it when people tell him how lucky I am that he takes such good care of me and in the past, I would have agreed wholeheartedly. I still do, but only to a certain extent. I hate it when women (and it's always women) who see him with me and either tell him or myself how lucky I am that he takes such good care of me....that he is so loving toward me....etc.
I want to scream...he did this to me!!!! I want to scream....he's not such a nice guy. I want to scream....Yes, I COULD be lucky, but I'm not so sure I am because if I trust in him to be there for me, he may not be.
No one in our families know anything about the A, so both mine and his believe he is such a stand-up guy. His parents have even patted themselves on the back and said how well they raised their little boy, because not everyone would stay with or care for someone the way he does. It makes me so mad that WH soaks up the accolades without any mention or even a hint of what I did for him. All he'd have to say was that, "Sohurt deserves this and so much more." but he doesn't. He just smiles and I don't want to appear to be ungrateful, so I just say, "Yes, I am" and steam about it.
I hate that I feel this way. I was always such a positive, caring, and giving person. I still feel that toward my kids...they are my reason for living....but I feel such a hardness in me now. I know it's not who I really am, because the real me surfaces, but unless I'm with my kids, the walls go up and I'm in protection mode again. I live waiting for the other shoe to drop...either with my health or with my marriage. Just 3-4 short years ago, I felt so safe with both.
[This message edited by sohurtbyhim at 8:35 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]
