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I have a 24 year old daughter that turned cold on me after we all found out what her step-dad was up to. He admitted to me everything but lied to the kids about the extent of the relationship. Telling them it was just a bit of kissing and talking. The time frame he told them is a lie too. I have kept my mouth shut all this time . She was NEVER close to him at all but whatever he's been feeding her is obviously poison. She has a high powered job is very beautiful a d just seems terribly naive right now. She's been very rude to me and has even sent ME some very disturbing texts. I was married to her dad first and after he has been in AA we have been becoming friends again. I did nothing wrong to make her stepdad cheat. He made that decision and now she sees her dad and I together and she's awful??! All we do is hang out and laugh about our kids and grand kids. I just don't get it. I believe if she as mature as she thinks she is.. She'd just be happy that I'm happy. Just don't get what he could have said to make her so rude to me??of course WH says he said nothing..

Hi there,

I think a bit of paranoia sets in for all of us when we become the BS, so there may be less there then you believe.

That said, she's your daughter, so sit down with her and have a frank discussion. You have the right to be heard and to be respected.

A daughter taking sides with her SD seems a bit odd.

((Anne56))

If it's truly about the situation between you and your X, sit her down and give her a dose of reality. She's old enough to hear the unvarnished truth.

When the shit hit the fan, I kept everything from DS who was 20 at the time. He was so confused; he went to his aunt (WXH's sister) and she gently advised that we tell him what was happening. However, the X got to him first and said he & the OW were just friends, mom was jealous, blah-blah-blah.

I had to sit DS down and explain about the thousands of dollars that his father was spending on viagra for his 'friend'. That was a pleasant conversation to have with your son

He caught on quickly. I think your DD may too.

Sounds to me like he might be implying you're cheating too.

You need to sit her down and tell her the whole story BUT....this is not a competition, try and stick to the facts and nothing else. And try and make it about her, not about you (to avoid it feeling like she's being pulled apart by both of you)

eg,

- I know that you love SD and that you love me. I understand that this is an awful situation for you and for all of us. This is not something I ever wanted. I have not told you what I discovered and I'm sorry for that because I see now that you needed to understand what has been happening. I'm going to share some of that with you now. This is difficult to talk about, so bear with me.

- On [date] I discovered [information]. I confronted him about it and he said [blah blah]. I have since discovered [information] and now know that the affair with OW went on for [period of time] and was physical.

- He did want to reconcile, but has not shown any remorse in his actions towards me and I have been warned by other people that this is not the first time he has been unfaithful. Regardless of whether of not SD wants to reconcile, that decision is up to me and I have decided [course of action]

Now obviously your conversation won't be that cut and dried, but you see what I mean? Try and frame it from her point of view, just using facts, because too much from you could seem like manipulation, especially if she's already been primed by him.

Thank you Softcentre! That is exactly what I need to say to her. I just couldn't find the words. She's my lovely daughter and I watch how strong she is in everything she does but can't even imagine what she could be so mad about. The other kids say that she's just so self centered that she is humiliated by this and wants me to stay with him because it will embarrass her? Well, I can not stay. and she needs to know this. I have raised all of these kids and now I am trying to think about me. I have great friends, etc. It's time to move on. Well, wish me luck. And thanks for your time, all of you. I can only come here most of th e time because I don't want to share this mess with everyone here!!

Good luck. I hope that when she finally hears the truth she can discern reality.