but to constantly be questioned on integrity over a horrible mistake ..for how long
To think it could be years of having your partner not trusting you is frightening. I don't want that.
How do I get him thru this without losing myself in depression of guilt and self loathing.
I'm there and being supporting trying to reach him and bring him back to me.
he doesn't know what I"m doing at all times
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
To think it could be years of having your partner not trusting you is frightening. I don't want that. I know I created that, but to constantly be questioned on integrity over a horrible mistake ..
This is a consequence of your actions. The only way to end this questioning and regain trust is with lots of continued good behavior. That not only means being where you say you will be, but acting acting differently when you are at home.
Unfortunately, this may never be enough for your BS. You may have to accept that. That too would be a consequence of your actions. We have zero promises that our BS will get over it.
IMO asking your BS what you can do is a good thing. But a lot of times, the BS thinks that we should know. Sometimes the best way to help the BS is asking in a smaller, more specific way. That is, asking something like "I know you aren't convinced I am where I say I am. I call and text and send pictures. Is there something else that might make you feel more certain?" Lots of us here have trackers on our phones.
I had the same sort of conversation early on in MC that really helped. For me, MC is a great safe place to make sure BW and I understand each other.
I say I'm not, I'm sorry that I have put him in this position of not trusting me and then say lovingly is there anything I can do.
Perhaps something you could so is empathize with him. Tell him you understand why he would have these feelings. You understand why he can't trust you. Any amount of defensiveness or justification why he shouldn't feel that way will only cause anger and frustration.
Early on in my R, my BH had said something very similar. I too would text, take pics, call him. He had full access to my phone. I think he even occasionally checked the mileage on my car. Once I had responded to him "of course, I'm not doing anything. How could I be?" I then gave a bunch of reasons why it wasn't possible. But the fact of the matter is that I spent a good majority of my A texting while I was work. And work time would have been the easiest time to continue something underground if I wasn't serious about R. But at that stage, how could my BH possibly know if I was serious or not?
We actually got into a blow out about it. I minimized the situation. He was so angry he went out and got a tattoo. We then had a discussion so that I could understand where he was coming from. The fact of the matter is that I had kept secrets from him, lied to him, gas lighted him, and TT'd. He had no idea what I was capable of. He couldn't put anything past me because everything he knew of me was distorted. So he spent a lot of time watching me and wondering.
I am just days away from my 4 year antiversary. He still doesn't have full trust of me to this day. I don't say that with sadness either. It's a fact. He never will and that's ok. I still text him when I come and go. I still take pics when I do something with my friends without him. I always lay my phone out in plain sight. It's ok. It's just how we so things these days. Don't look at it as a punishment but a different way of life.
So how long? Whenever both of you decide.
To think it could be years of having your partner not trusting you is frightening. I don't want that. I know I created that, but to constantly be questioned on integrity over a horrible mistake
Why does that scare you? It has been four and a half years for me, I just recently found out that my H has trust in me again. I was prepared to go the rest of my life without it. Not a problem. I blew it up.
Where is your integrity? Isn't that the thing that you blew up by doing this?
And horrible mistake? No. Try horrible choices. Lots of them, every single time you decided to choose your AP over your H. Not a mistake.
Having empathy about where your BH is at emotionally is what this is about right now.
To think it could be years of having your partner not trusting you is frightening. I don't want that. I know I created that, but to constantly be questioned on integrity over a horrible mistake ..for how long.. How do I get him thru this without losing myself in depression of guilt and self loathing.
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
To have your integrity and 15years of marriage history questioned and doubted is horrifying hell.
to me, it sounds like you are saying this about yourself. If you put yourself in your BS shoes. You will come to realize, that their whole reality has changed. Everything they thought about you, was not true. as a WS we know our thoughts. But the BS just got their whole world flipped upside down. You were perceived as a faithful and honest partner for 15 years. But that perception was wrong, you are actually an unfaithful liar, and no partner would work so hard at destroying the partnership.
I'm trying to forgive myself
work on being a better person but how to do that when I am called, questioned where I am, asked to take a photo b/c he doesnt believe,
Always keep in mind when you feel
questioned and doubted is horrifying hell.
Right now you are in a place where you are focusing all of your energy on your pain. And what is going on with you. And you are having a lot of regret for what has happened. No remorse. If your M is to survive, you are going to need to turn this bus around and figure out how to see your BH's pain. Put yours on the shelf for a bit and see where he is at, because if you think you are hurting right now, multiply that by 1000. You need to find remorse, and that is all about actions. Right now you are in shame and pity me mode. You really need to step out of that.
Do you want your M?
To say I have no remorse and only regret is crap. That is unfair. I have deep remorse.