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lost1102 posted 7/10/2014 09:09 AM

Finally brought my WH to my IC session last night. I have been struggling so much with trying to believe that he is telling me the truth about even the smallest of things, especially since the A is still so very fresh in my head. I feel like I bottle it up all of the time because I don't want to push him away, yet at the same time that frustrates me because he is the one who put me in this position. It's very difficult for me to see a future with him at this point. Some days it is very hard to muster the strength to continue moving forward when it feels like everything he says now completely contradicts everything he said throughout his A last year. I get the typical "I realized I was making a mistake" or "because I do love you". Is it this hard for everyone else to move forward? November makes a year since I discovered the A, so I know that is probably part of the problem, but I feel like I can't help myself when all of the details of the A flood in. At what point do you stop looking at them with the big "Cheater" sign above their forehead?

Lucky2HaveMe posted 7/10/2014 10:49 AM

It takes a long time. But it does get better if the WS is truly remorseful and does the work needed to successfully R.

7 years later, once in a while, something will *trigger* me that brings back the emotion of that awful time. It's sadness. It no longer brings me to tears, panic attacks, anger. Just sadness that it happened at all.

The other night H & I watched Wolf of Wallstreet. The movie is filled with infidelity. H asked me at one point if I was OK watching this; said we can turn it off if I wanted. I was OK, but it meant so much that even 7 years later he recognizes things like that. I asked him how he feels watching stuff like that and his answer was shame.

It really never goes away 100%, but we can now talk through it and come together over it.

It's a process you cannot rush. Be gentle with yourself.

Hrtbrkn2 posted 7/10/2014 11:46 AM

Luckt2haveme- it is so refreshing to hear your experience. I know you said it has been 7 years, but can I ask if your WH has always been remorseful and caring? The reason I ask is that mine has been and we are 8weeks post d-day today. He has done exactly what the books and advice from SI say he should. I seem to be the holdup to complete R and I want to know if that is normal. He tells me everyday he is sorry and will do whatever it takes no matter how long, I'm just not sure if I am strong enough to get thru it. I want to know that even if he does everything perfect it is ok that it takes me more time?

TheIrishGirl posted 7/10/2014 14:03 PM

I'm nowhere near as far our as you are right now (less than 3mos), but I think it makes complete sense that WS can heal from the A faster (if not from the underlying issues). You have only known of the infidelities since DDay. You can't possibly get into WS's head to grasp the thought processes that allowed the A to happen.

Compare that against the WS experience: The WS has known of the A since it started, and has experienced everything about it, it's ending, etc. first hand. You are trying to see consistent proof if change. WS is living that change. WS knows if it's genuine improvement, genuine remorse, genuine love for the BS or just a front put up to convince you to stay.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 7/10/2014 14:07 PM

Absolutely it's ok that it takes you longer. It took me longer. It's a trauma that hits the BS head on. The WS is driver of that train and we cannot jump off the tracks. We get hit, survive, and have to heal all of the wounds. Not with splints & bandages, but with time.

My H did things very well from the beginning. He TT'd - and it was really rough at the time - but I wonder if I would have been able to handle all of it at once. I will never know (I hope!)

If your H is truly remorseful, he will love you through it. Yes he may get frustrated - My H did. But he was able to find his patience and work with me.

Hrtbrkn2 posted 7/10/2014 15:28 PM

Thanks!!! As always I will include all of you in my prayers!

Me BS 52
Him WH 53
Married 29 yrs
3 amazing grown kids
LTA 7 years
D-Day 5-10-14
Both Working hard at R

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