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Learned something in IC

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Numb2014 posted 7/10/2014 09:47 AM

I have an AMAZING IC. I've been seeing her for 4 1/2 years, and I just love her. She started seeing me shortly after my divorce was finalized and walked me through healing, and was there when I decided to R with him. So she knows the whole back story, my co-dependency issues, his PTSD from his tours in Iraq, etc.

Anyways, I was telling her how anytime I text him about the kids, he throws stones and is just so defensive and mean. First she tells me that its his guilt that makes him react the way he does. Then, when I told her htat I would text back and say "Well, I'm sorry what I said made you feel/react this way", etc, she told me "Numb, why does his opinion of you matter so much?". And I hadn't realized it, but I still care what he thinks of me, and I am still jumping through hoops to try to avoid any negative thinking about me. I will apologize just to appease him. But, does he care about what I think? Better yet, does he care how I feel? N-O.

So, I got to thinking about it. WHY does his opinion matter so much? I have this warped thinking. LIke, "Great now he and ow will laugh at me because I did or said this". Or, all my relationship, he would always say "You are acting like such a child". Or if he would lash out at me over text, and I would choose to ignore him, he would say "Ok, it was nice having a conversation with an adult". So he belittle me in to thinking that basically, he was God.

This morning, I am walking out the door. He made the comment that maybe tonight, Mommy will let you soak in the tub to dd. Stuff like this stings. Its like he insinuates that I am a bad mother. I am not a bad mother. I'm a GREAT mother. But, when he insinuates that I do not bathe my daughter, it bothers me. I almost said something to him like I always do, but I bit my tongue and told dd "Yeah!!! We will put some bubbles in the tub tonight for you!". Sometimes my daughter misses bath night. I'm human, I get tired, it happens. But, my daughter is well taken care of. And please, tell me the last time he took initiative and gave her a bath. Hell, a few weeks ago, I was getting ready to go out with some friends, and he says to me "You haven't given dd her bath yet". I said "No, but you can". His response, I kid you not "You want to go out with your friends, you know the rules", and nodded his head towards the bathroom. I stormed out of the house PISSED.

Ok, long rant over. Just thinking about WHY this douchebags opinion matters me. Hes a douche. so why would he even be important!!!???

Anyone else experience this???

LookingforLove posted 7/10/2014 09:53 AM

I was always like that and still am.

And not only with XWH but all of my friends and family. It matters and I am constantly wondering why I can't just say "I don't give a shit what you think about me, what I say or what I do."

I am still trying to figure out why I care.
HUGS

norabird posted 7/10/2014 09:57 AM

You are going to be well rid of this jerk!

The more distant you get, the more you will be able to see how warped things became inside the relationship and how much you put up with and how much you contorted yourself to pacify and please him and make yourself small. then the healing work of finding your confidence begins.

And that is why you should wait to date, by the way...how can you recognize a healthy relationship right now/. First you have to learn that and become healthy yourself.


(((& strength)))

Numb2014 posted 7/10/2014 10:39 AM

Nora--
Yes, I agree, I am waiting to date. I have held off on teh dating sites after all. My IC LAUGHED when I told her and she told me the exact same thing you did. It was a little disheartening-she told me to wait 1 year. The shock and rawness takes 1 year to heal from and that right now, I am too cloudy to find the right one. Otherwise I will fall in to the same routine with someone new. So, I am holding off, focusing on my dd and me and just repairing the damage that xh has caused....

Tearsoflove posted 7/10/2014 11:42 AM

Bathing a child every day dries out the skin and decreases the natural bacteria that they need. They really only need to be bathed if they got dirty so if you miss a night, you're fine. Here's an article about it if you want to throw it in the asshole's face the next time he insinuates that you're not a good mother for missing a bath night or two.

http://www.growingupherbal.com/does-your-kiddo-need-a-bath-every-day/

Brave30 posted 7/10/2014 12:02 PM

My IC has pointed out this same problem to me as well. I was always trying to smooth things over and be the "nice person" to make things easier for him. I would worry myself sick wondering what he would think if I said something or did something he might not like. It got so much worse after we separated.

Then I had one of the those light bulb moments where I asked myself, "Why am I seeking validation from him that I am a good mom and a good person? Why do I feel the need for him to acknowledge that I wasn't such a terrible person and didn't deserve what he did? What does it matter what he thinks of me?"

I don't know if I've really gotten down to the why yet but it was a huge step to finally recognize and verbalize that I feel that way. I need to dig down and understand why I allowed myself to be belittled and degraded. Its a slow process but I'm getting there. And you will too.

Numb2014 posted 7/10/2014 12:07 PM

Tearsoflove, THANK YOU!!! This has been a constant battle in our house for YEARS. Even after her pediatrician told me the same thing, he told me I was still disgusting for allowing her to skip a night because I am too lazy. Brave, I am right where you are too! I have been feeling the exact same way. He's a messed up individual, so why I seek validation from him, I have no clue. I have my shit together. I am not perfect. I never claimed to be. I am not the PERFECT mother, but to dd, I am perfect. So, screw him. It'll be a work in progress, but I will get to where I am totally detached one day. You will too!

Pass posted 7/10/2014 15:36 PM

"You want to go out with your friends, you know the rules"

ASSHOLE! I've gone through shit like this with The Princess. She gets to make the rules, but they're not for her to follow.

I hate him for you!

worried_lady posted 7/10/2014 18:47 PM

It really helps when he says anything or looks at you to just shout silently in your head

Fuck you idiot!!

Always helped me so you might try it. After a while it would put a little grin on my face!!

whiteflower99 posted 7/10/2014 20:11 PM

I don't give a shit what you think about me, what I say or what I do

I should add "or what I look like". We are both in the fitness industry and he has turned into one of those people. You know the type, "I have successfully shed 20 pounds, gained muscle, and now anyone who enjoys the occasional burger and fries is going to HELL I tell you"
I didn't realize how much I missed chocolate chip cookies lmao.

Numb2014 posted 7/10/2014 22:55 PM

White flower-my xh is all about looks too. I'm chunky. I admit it. I let myself go. I'm about 40lbs overweight, I'm a comfortable size. 11. He is a gym buff. All about have ripped abs, etc which he never has anyways. So idk what he sees. Anyways, I've been to the Gym daily and working on a healthier me for ME. I'm not a frumpy housewife anymore.

whiteflower99 posted 7/11/2014 00:55 AM

Good for you, Numb! I love my job. A lot of my clients are BW's who are taking control of their lives again. I am not at my goal weight yet, but my ex is such a food cop when we were together it was much harder because I'd cheat on my diet to spite him. His last OW was also a trainer for the same chain. Thank god we didn't work at the same club!!
At any rate it is awesome that you are taking care of yourself for yourself. That is the key ingredient that is missing in a lot of diet failures. People aren't ready to do it for them. They do it for their partners, spouses whatever. But you have to commit to you IMO to really be serious. And taking a day off the diet now and then isn't such a horrible thing either!!!

[This message edited by whiteflower99 at 12:56 AM, July 11th (Friday)]

deena posted 7/11/2014 01:31 AM

I try to please others too. Everyone's opinion of me is very important as well.
I am trying to change that.
It's not easy.
Thanks for showing me I am not alone in this.

Numb2014 posted 7/11/2014 09:31 AM

Deena, that is why I shared. I have always knows that what others think of me was importatn. I didn't realize that xh was using it to his advantage. AFter a barrage of just RIDICULOUS texts, I finally stopped responding with defense and just ignored him, and he finally stopped.

I kid you not, he is pissed that I will not continue to support him. SERIOUSLY!?! I did respond to that and told him there is no way in hell I am spending MY hard earned money to help him and OW out, and that HE KNEW THE CONSEQUENCES, yet HE made this decision to step out. HE KNEW I would leave him, yet he chose to do this anyways. I guess because I care too much about what others think of me, he thought he would bully his way in to making me help him finanicially.

catperson posted 7/11/2014 10:10 AM

This morning, I am walking out the door. He made the comment that maybe tonight, Mommy will let you soak in the tub to dd. Stuff like this stings. Its like he insinuates that I am a bad mother. I am not a bad mother. I'm a GREAT mother. But, when he insinuates that I do not bathe my daughter, it bothers me. I almost said something to him like I always do, but I bit my tongue and told dd "Yeah!!! We will put some bubbles in the tub tonight for you!". Sometimes my daughter misses bath night. I'm human, I get tired, it happens. But, my daughter is well taken care of. And please, tell me the last time he took initiative and gave her a bath. Hell, a few weeks ago, I was getting ready to go out with some friends, and he says to me "You haven't given dd her bath yet". I said "No, but you can". His response, I kid you not "You want to go out with your friends, you know the rules", and nodded his head towards the bathroom. I stormed out of the house PISSED.
When you're married to someone who criticizes you, your need to please them, your need to hear them praise you (and not criticize you) increases EXPONENTIALLY. It's natural. But you have to work at not letting it happen. It gives him control over you, puts you beneath him. Your IC is right - your first goal should be letting that type of thing ride off your shoulders like water. In fact, a better approach - and one that might actually get him to stop - is to add humor.

Just as you suggested, saying something like 'Yeah! let's have a bubble bath tonight!' removes the sting he's trying to get you with and shows him it won't work, AND it alleviates the tension in the house that I guarantee your children feel. Be their guide, show them that malicious people don't win, that you can rise above that pettiness and not hurt.

And once he sees you doing that, he may get jealous of the 'happy' camp and come on over to your side.

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