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I never suspected-how can I ever trust myself again?

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lucy17 posted 7/10/2014 10:23 AM

I didn't see it. I never would have believed it. I sat right across from her. I attempted small talk with her, defended her against people who knew her better than me, hoped for her that she would get the job she wanted. I sat right across with him. I held his hand. I kissed him. I followed him around. I was his free babysitter. I hoped for happiness for him. I loved him. All that and more and I didn't see.
So now he says he loves me and needs me.
Now he holds my hand.
Now he kisses me.
And I am constantly looking for what I didn't see.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 7/10/2014 10:43 AM

I understand this and went through the same thing.
I wrote this in my journal Sept, 2007:

Forgive ME?

Do I need to forgive MYSELF?
I was so stupid.
I ignored all the signs.
I trusted blindly.
I stayed.
I let him stay.

Do I need to forgive MYSELF?
I believed.
I didn't give.
I didn't accept.
I did nothing.
I cried.

It wasn't a matter of me taking responsibility for his actions. It was more an introspective look at myself and how lost I felt at the time.

LoveActually posted 7/10/2014 11:01 AM

I remember feeling the same exact way. Looking back, my brain saw it but my heart wouldn't see it, if that makes sense. I remember crying right after d-day and asking my husband why I didn't ever check the phone was all there..I could have known that very second and stopped it then and there. My husband said, "because you shouldn't have had to look". That sums it up. When you love someone so deeply and trust them with all your heart, infidelity isn't on the radar. I never in a million years thought my husband would do what he did. Looking back, the clues were there...I processed them, I remember the clues, but my heart wouldn't let me go there and acknowledge the evidence. Trust is such a gift, you don't realize it until it's gone unfortunately.

TheIrishGirl posted 7/10/2014 11:32 AM

Because you can't imagine the person you chose, who chose you, would then un-choose you without telling you so. Because he worked to hide it from you. He knows your habits and your thresholds, and he used that knowledge to make sure his mess stayed off your radar.

tl502 posted 7/10/2014 12:53 PM

You will learn to trust yourself again. You are a different person now. Your eyes are open. You watch your h and your brain and heart are learning the differences in what he was and what he is now.
If he hasn't really made the changes, put in the work, you will see it now because his deceptions are on the radar screen now. You know him for what he is, not what you want to believe him to be.
Your heart will listen to your brain now, instead of the other way around. You are just wired differently now. He may cheat again, but you're wiser now. Watch and learn him, you'll probably know him better than he knows himself because you have to. Your own safety depends on it.
You're not seeing it now because he is on high alert and trying to fix his mess and save the m. He can't maintain that forever. That's when you see who he truly is, when things relax a bit and get back to "normal"
There is no shame in loving and trusting your spouse. That is how it is supposed to be. The shame is on him. That you have to look for the red flags now is the real shame. That, as far as I can see is the lifelong legacy in this.
Loveactually's h is absolutely correct, we shouldn't have had to have looked.

redrock posted 7/10/2014 16:49 PM

I am not sure I will ever be able to believe in and/or trust anyone 100% again. But I have learned to believe in myself, no matter how fallible I am.

I have a big mouth and I remember telling my girl friends-- pre A- that "our' marriage works for us and blah, blah, more know it all crap that burned my ears to think about for a long time. I sure was wrong.

I am better informed now and I am not sure I would trade that back for my nave assumptions about him and us, even if I could.

When you know better you do better. As other posters have already addressed his actions will show if he can make changes over time or not. You don't need blind faith. He had one shot at that and it is gone forever now.

As others have said your antennae are up and know the drill. If you are willing to make it a go with him again, you can cut yourself the same slack.

Loving someone and being unable to pick up the red flags with your rose colored glasses is something that many people have done. In some ways, it is a credit to you for being able to extend that level of trust and belief in your spouse.

A wayward earns trust back a little at a time. Perhaps that is the same for ourselves. Over time you prove to yourself that you can handle whatever comes down the pike.

I am a full believer in the trust by verify attitude. For as long as you need. Privacy is for the bathroom. That's about it. I have not verified in a long time. I'm 6 years out but if I want to go into his work email tmrw, I will and feel not one bit itchy about it. And to his credit, he could care less.

You have every right to be looking... Over time (that dang dreaded word), your gut will settle if he is doing the right thing. But I have to say that the coolest thing R and working on me gave me, was knowing that even if I did miss it all again, I am going to just fine. I am my own person now. I never took the time to do that before 40. I'm a slow learner.

Trial by fire. Box checked.

Hang in there.

krsplat posted 7/10/2014 18:17 PM

My bullshit meter at work (I work with delinquent kids)is excellent. My bullshit meter at home failed me completely, and I also wonder how I will ever trust myself again.

My IC helps put it in perspective, reminding me that home is the one place I never expected to have to use my bullshit meter, because I trusted that it was a safe place, and that everyone in it had my back. Now that I am alert, I will see it the next time. I am glad to be able to start trusting my instincts again. But I'm sad that home is no longer a safe haven and that WH is no longer a safe person, and that I have to live with my antennae up all the time now.

[This message edited by krsplat at 6:19 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

Hatemyhusband posted 7/10/2014 18:17 PM

I'm a good person. I never assumed people could be so evil. I had faith in this man. I never saw it. I invited her to my home often. Watched her kids. She watched mine. Fed her family prime rib dinners. How could this person sleep with my husband? I was a good friend. It couldn't be what I was thinking. I thought I was going crazy. My husband often told me it was in my mind.
Then one day...

Now, I'm stronger. 7 months later I'm smarter. I will always make myself number one and never fully close my eyes.

My faith in pure love is broken. But I'm strong and I am not


beautytoashes5 posted 7/10/2014 19:12 PM

I'm in the same boat. Never suspected anything. I thought I was being a good friend. Took her kids out to water parks because she worked. Invited her on our family vacations. Invited her to go snowboarding. Invited her to the beach. All the while she's sleeping with my husband. I had no idea evil could look pretty & be helpful.
If I would've just checked our cell phone bill, it would've be exposed.
It's so heartbreaking. It's so painful.

devasted30 posted 7/10/2014 19:25 PM

I will always wonder myself. I was so sure my WS would never cheat. It wasn't ever on my mind. Not ever. So, what have I learned from this. NEVER trust anyone EVER!!!
And you know what, maybe that's not such a bad thing.

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