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Separation, progress and then steps back

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beenstruggling posted 7/10/2014 11:01 AM

I've posted a few times and it's been a great help. I'm 5 months post Dday and now into my 2nd month of separation. We're not 100% NC but I've gotten into the routine of "doing me" and really focusing on moving forward. My WH and I talk occasionally he's still very crazy and has no sense of reality. In all honesty I'd love to get to a place of R but that will not happen anytime soon and I'm not really thinking about it.

Now comes the family dramatic involvement. As I've mentioned before we've been together for 10 years almost and I moved crossed country 8 years ago to be with him. My mother just recently found out the whole story and she has been on a similar roller coaster as me. One minute she's up being my cheerleader the next she's going crazy calling my WH leaving nasty voice mails or telling me I need to move on etc. His mother who we've lived with our entire relationship (she's a widow) is the same boat of craziness. They both are driving us nuts.

The thing is his A was/is a huge escape for my WH. We had very stressful situations and his mother was a big part of that. Now with all the constant drama I fear it's going to push him back to the AP. I love him and still care very deeply about him despite all the bs he's put me through. I was finally at a place where I was at peace with focusing on myself for the first time in my adult life. Spending time with lots of friends and family etc. But now after the constant chaos created by both mothers I find my self getting anxious and angry again. I get sucked back into this place anxiety and almost desperation again.

I'm in IC I'm staying busy but even at work my thoughts keep drifting to how he's doing. I hate myself for even caring. I get the reality of the situation. He messed up and he should have to deal with the wrath of his actions. He hasn't had to face anyone in my family really getting angry upset and he's basically isolated himself from all his friends and family.

When does it get better. And besides "staying busy" how do I stop obsessing. It's really draining on all levels.

cvs2kkids posted 7/10/2014 11:41 AM

One big problem I see is that you're hoping for R. With that in mind, it's really hard to separate.

t/j (kinda)- I've been there done that. My STBXWW and I initially separated last fall after finding out she had been in a LTA. I was hopeful, kept in contact and we got back together pre-Christmas. She said lots of the right things but didn't do many of the right things.

Found out about another EA recently (May) and decided to end it for good. Mentally, I have been much better this time. Instead of pining for R, I realize we are co-parents, and that's it. I text her some, but mostly financial and kids related. There's a complete change of mind for me. The girl I knew is there, but the wife I had has checked-out.

You know you're situation best, but I feel R is best achieved together. I would never trust a WS living on their own.

I would go NC as much as you can and get used to being you again, not Mrs. beenstruggling.

BTW, you're very normal for most here. You're not weeak, learning to let that life go is the hardest thing to do!!

suckstobeme posted 7/10/2014 12:36 PM

You are so new to this whole thing - please give yourself a break. It's very difficult to let the feelings and the dreams and the memories of what was/could have been go. Anger and anxiety are all part of this crazy ride.

With that said, I have a few thoughts on your post.

First, we all did it in the beginning so this is not a judgment or a 2x4, but you are making excuses for your wh's behavior. His mother pushed him to it, there are lots of stresses in your lives, etc. We all have stressors in some form or another - jobs, kids, homes, bills, family, etc. You lived with the exact same issues, but you didn't choose to cheat. He chose that path; nothing forced him into it. For whatever reasons and whatever problems he felt he needed to escape, he decided that, of all the possible solutions he could have explored, having sex with someone else was the best. Even if R is ever on the table, you - yourself - have to get to a place where you acknowledge that this was his choice and that something inside of him made him lean toward that horrible choice. If you don't acknowledge it and he doesn't acknowledge it, any attempt at R will be nothing but one giant rug sweep and you will be afraid for the rest of your life when he hits another rough patch (and he will) and you will wonder whether another A is coming.

Second, you cannot fix him and you cannot control whether he goes back to the AP. Nothing you do - and I mean nothing - will have any bearing on that. Remember that the A was not about you or anything you've done. It's all about him. You can't nice him back in. You can't reason with him. You can't say that one magical thing that will make him sit up and say, "aha! She's right!" This is why NC is the best thing for you. He doesn't matter right now - NC is for you and your emotional health. Again, even if R is ever a viable option, NC will make you stronger and put you in a position where you can evaluate whether trying to save the marriage is the best thing for you. It will help you break any tendencies toward co-dependence and allow you to make decisions all on your own and in your own best interests.

Lastly, staying busy is a great idea, as well as reading/posting on SI, exercising, going to IC, and being with your friends and family. At the same time, sometimes you just have to lean into the pain and acknowledge it. There is no amount of running or painting or cooking or anything that will just make this all go away in one instance. It takes time and I know that is a filthy word for someone in your state, but that's what it takes. Time and the desire to climb out of this hole, whether he's next to you or not.

You will be ok. Keep focusing on yourself and taking those tiny steps toward your healing - one day at a time.

beenstruggling posted 7/10/2014 13:12 PM

Thank you guys what you both said really helps. It's crazy that I still make "justifications" and try and analyze why instead of thinking he's a grown adult responsible for his actions. In any case it's good to know I'm not crazy and so many have gone through this. And I know in the end I'm not a victim but a survivor. And looking back to the clingy, hysterical mess I had become in just 2 months I've really become more independent so I guess that's a step to recovery. That's what I should be focusing on recovery not the other R. That is only if mountains are moved and not by me. So Thanks again hearing from people who have been there done that makes a big difference!

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