I've really been reflecting upon everything and I've realized that I have been lonely in this marriage for a very long time. There was no need for me to do the 180 because I realized that I did that way before my D-day ever happened due to my WH's lack of communication skills. Since he was on prescription meds since 2009, he just further retreated while I moved on with things.
I spoke to an attorney on my 20th wedding anniversary about divorce specifics. This was unintentional and I didn't even realize it at the time. After I thought about it, I had not really put forth the effort to save my marriage so I decided to give it one more chance then I found out about the cheating and he entered rehab.
There has been a lot of physical and mental damage from his drug use, it's hard to say which drug caused what. He now has low T which causes fatigue and depression. He sees the doctor for this but has now decided that he should only see the IC once a month!!! Once a month??? WTF! This really pisses me off. I feel like I'm competing with the television for his attention every night and I realized that this was how it was even BEFORE prescription meds.
I don't know what to do at this point, I gave myself a long timeline for this but I don't know if I can do this much longer. If he doesn't get real, I think I just need to let go. I know grass isn't always greener on the other side but I've already been alone for many years and I'm ready to have a relationship again.
Does this sound terrible? Am I being selfish? I'm just so tired and to be honest if you asked me today, I'm not even angry anymore I'm just tired of my life being in limbo. Lol I guess this could change tomorrow but this is how I've felt for the last week.