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One of those days

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trying2live posted 7/10/2014 11:40 AM

Have you ever had one of those days where all you could do is cry? It has been along time since I have had one of those days. It all started because my husband told me that he does not deserve me. I am just baffled that he would even think that. I was the one who broke his heart. I was the one that put him through hell. I was the one who broke our wedding vows. It has been five years and I still haven't been able to forgive myself.
My husband and I have come along way. For the fast few years, I wasn't sure where our marriage was going. He developed feelings for another woman. He may not have crossed a physical line but an emotional line. I constantly felt like I was a yo-yo on his emotional ride. One minute he would say he is staying but his actions were not matching his words. For the first time, I truly see him trying to make this work for us. But for him to say that I do not deserve him, just broke my heart. Today I feel all those emotions coming back. Being scared, worried, angry. I just don't know how to handle that. Has anyone else gone through this before?

pizzalover posted 7/10/2014 13:00 PM

I have very emotional days. I feel so much pain, shame, guilt, remorse for my A and what I've done to my BH's safety and security. I have never since D-day had him say that he does not deserve me, but I feel that I don't deserve him. I don't deserve the 2nd chance that he has given me. I hope one day he feels what your BH feels. You have received a gift.

PenitentMan posted 7/10/2014 13:11 PM

I was extremely emotional and despondent in the early days (I make it sound like it was a long time ago, but it was only April we're talking about). If I wasn't crying, I was numb, and if I wasn't numb I was super anxious and worried.

But at some point it becomes unproductive. I've been trying anything and everything to keep calm and heal. Certainly if I'm a mess all the time my BW isn't going to want to be around me. I got books. I started exercising. I bought a zen garden for my desk. Less caffeine. More vitamins. Good night's sleep. There's always anti-anxiety/depression meds as a last resort.
When I feel overwhelmed I acknowledge that I'm feeling what I'm feeling. I "sit" with the feelings for a while... Cry into the pillow.. and then I go do something else. It's amazing what a change of scenery or activity can do. Even stepping outside and breathing in the air and looking up at the clouds for a minute.

Imabrokenman posted 7/10/2014 13:24 PM

I feel the same way.

Certainly if I'm a mess all the time my BW isn't going to want to be around me.

The only problem with this is if you look TOO good and repress TOO much so as to not being the mess, BS will think you are not affected at all. I have had to deal with this issue. She thinks I'm glossing over everything because I have found a semblance of peace and clarity in my actions, and am working on changing myself to be the person I want to be.

It's a fine line.

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