SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We are more than 4 months out from dday and I am a wreck - barely holding it together in spite of being loaded with meds and BH being patient and kind.

During affair I had nightmares that I had killed someone by accident and was trying to hide the body. Towards the end I'd wake up sweating after dreaming I'd stabbed someone in the chest. I think I've been in shock or denial because now I feel like I'm in that nightmare. To be honest (and I'm so ashamed to admit this) I've mostly been thinking about my own feelings - I started therapy way before confession and started digging into old FOO issues that I hadn't thought about in years, being angry and disappointed in myself for having affair, being pissed at my AP who pursued me knowing I was insecure, damaged and vulnerable (YES he handed me the gun and I pulled the trigger- no need to call me out on this one - I'm over it).

All of a sudden, I can't stop replaying BH reaction when I confessed - it's as if I've tried to block it out. I look at him and I see someone who has been stabbed all over and beaten. I can't stop crying. I look at my children and burst into tears for all of the years I wasn't emotionally present - the last few years have been a blur and those years are lost. Not to mention so unfair to them. I had a horrible childhood/teenage years and then I threw away the good life I finally had with both hands. I feel like a shell of a person and I don't know what to do. I can't sleep or eat and look like a walking skeleton. I keep it together during the day and fall apart at night - drinking and picked up smoking again The worst is that I'm so waifish and useless my poor BH has to be the one comforting ME. He has to pick up my slack with the children. It's so unfair to him and I don't know how to get my shit together.

Can anyone share their stages of grief and give me hope that I can get past this?

[This message edited by IntoTheLight at 1:44 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

You have to wash the mud off to borrow the analogy from The Life Boat post (copy and paste into address bar):

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=354101

You know drinking and smoking aren't helping you but you're doing it anyway. There's a lot of self-pity in your words. Calling yourself useless for example.

I too have had years when BW and I weren't emotionally present for each other.

You say you don't know how to get your shit together, but are you sure you don't know how?

Or is it more that you just don't want to because you think you deserve to feel horrible and awful.

My advice, after you go read "The lifeboat" again, is to take baby steps. Feel awful if you must, but if you're not eating, then drink some meal replacement shakes like Ensure. Not taking care of yourself just serves to make you feel worse.

You feel like you deserve to feel worse so you stop eating. Well, eat anyway. Set an alarm to remind yourself to eat if necessary. Take vitamins. Meditation music and melatonin might help with the sleeping.

Feel a bit better, act a bit better.

You're not alone. Nightmares are normal. Feeling overwhelmed is normal. Having bad horrible days is normal.

As long as you still have your BH and your kids, you have a gift: the opportunity to make things better. Spend time with them. Make up for those years. Learn about them. Hug and kiss them.

I couldn't stop myself from crying in front of my son. Like you, seeing him made me cry even more because I realized some of the same things. He would try to cheer me up; my 10 year old.. That would make me feel even worse. And then I got some 2x4's (constructive virtual smacks to the head) from folks here telling me to suck it up and that no 10 year old is equipped to handle any of this.

And... it got better. My relationship with him has never been better. I'm learning to listen to him and repeat back to him and "letting him exhale" about his issues.

Maybe it's common sense to some, but for me I needed a little help with my listening and empathy. I would like to suggest to you the book "Just Listen", you can find it on Amazon, if you want any support in that area. When you make it about them, and not about you, you're taking the first steps of not being selfish.

You don't get past this. Ever. You learn to live with it and grow from it. You'll never see the world the same again, and that's OK.

Keep your chin up. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. You can do it. Go be the wife and mom you want to be.

Keep posting your thoughts here. Even if you don't actually hit post. The mere act of writing/typing can be healing in itself.

(edited for typos)

[This message edited by SelfishHusband at 2:38 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

from being a 7yo when my parents divorced, and 9yo when my mom divorced the second time. seriously you have to think of your kids. If not they will be on this site 30 years from now.

your post almost sounds like after dday you still were an attention junkie. what about your BS? yes you are a wreck, we are all a wreck. but just like myself, you did this. you caused this.

yes you have to grieve your losses. but seriously, you need to think about somebody beyond yourself. by the continual mourning of the lost time from hurting your children and BH. You are losing more time right now. Allow yourself time each day to mourn. and try to hold yourself to that time. preferably when you are not around DC.

Hang in there

ITA with SH. What you're experiencing isn't grief, it's self-pity.

Look how many times you wrote "I can't" in this post.

Umm, yes. You can. You are choosing not to.

give me hope that I can get past this

Nobody can give you hope. Or happiness. Or self-acceptance. You have to find them within.

What does your therapist say about all this? If s/he isn't helping you develop healthy coping mechanisms, it may be time to find a new one.

Are you speaking with your therapist about these feelings and working through them? I think it's totally normal you feel like you're falling apart right now. Guilt and shame are eating you alive. Anger and self hate turns quickly into depression. Maybe a change in your meds might help? It will take time to get yourself back together, keep working on you, grieve the loss of you, it's ok to mourn the devastation you've caused, because you will, and it's normal, and is truly the path to real remorse. It's not going to be a big moment where all of sudden you're a better person, things are better, and life is good. It's going to take a while to find yourself back to you. Find joy in the small things. Instead of turning to drinking and smoking, which are doing as another unhealthy escape, are you engaging with your husband? Talk to him, change your focus.

I hope things get better for you.

I have had a few more thoughts on this. I too have the image of my BS on dday. I hold on to it. Any time a thought of anything that may hurt my BS comes to mind. I pull that image up. Do not try to forget that picture. It can help you in the future. A wise man once said "remember the dark days also, as they are a part of you too. And they make the light days that much sweeter."

Why are you useless to your BS? Why are you allowing yourself to be that way? These are all choices that you get to make.

I have had a few more thoughts on this. I too have the image of my BS on dday. I hold on to it. Any time a thought of anything that may hurt my BS comes to mind. I pull that image up. Do not try to forget that picture. It can help you in the future.

This is true for me, too. I spent lots of sleepless nights, especially right around your time frame. I still cry whenever our kids do something special. I ask myself how could I have thrown this all away. All of that is normal.

The big question is what are you going to do with it? Are you going to let it stop you in your tracks? Or are you going to use those images to motivate you to keep moving forward? You know that you let your family down in the past. Become the spouse and parent your family deserves.

I don't know any secret of getting your act together other than actually doing it. One little bit at a time.

It sounds like there is some depression in there. You might need some treatment to help -- maybe some ADs and/or sleeping pills. I found that a little bit of meds helped me rest and get my mind right. For me, half an ativan for two nights in a row made a huge difference, both physically and mentally.

You have been through a lot. Keep moving forward. Hang in there.