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ageek1 posted 7/10/2014 14:02 PM

Hi All,
I'm new here and thought about posting a long time. My wife had an emotional affair (they live in different cities) with a co-worker and from what I can tell, the only time they were at the same conference, nothing physical happened except a kiss. I found out about it, was told it was over, but the emotional attachment was too strong and it continued. We're 17 months after it's been over and I'm constantly told it's over and there is no contact, but I peaked at a work ipad and there is a text from him and she googled looking for his house that he was selling. Do I need to be worried? She keeps telling me she's over him and he doesn't contact her. What do I do?

Camalus posted 7/10/2014 14:18 PM

If she is telling you it is over and there is no contact...they why the H* are there text messages from him. Why is she googling his house?

Go with your gut instinct. Lay out what you have found and insist on a no contact letter. The NC letter should be sent via email, registered mail, and fax if possible.

Also, I would be very leery of buying the old line 'it was just a kiss' or 'it was just a hug'.

[This message edited by Camalus at 2:19 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

ageek1 posted 7/10/2014 14:26 PM

She's afraid I will contact his wife if she tells me he's contacted her. If I tell her, then she knows I went into her ipad and then it's a huge fight as we agreed to a few things while we try to move forward. I'm not sure she is replying, it's only on his end.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/10/2014 14:27 PM

Hi ageek1. Sorry you find yourself here on SI.

Look, lets cut right to the chase. Your wife is having an affair. Definitely an EA and kissing... well that certainly crosses into a PA in my book. In most people's book I believe. And quite honestly, I seriously doubt it was just a kiss. It could have been, but highly doubt it as there have been too many people on ths site who were originally told it was just a kiss.

YES you need to be concerned and in order to get out of this affair, she needs to get out of her job asap. It's what's allowing the EA to continue and will continue unless she gets out. She has already proven that multiple times according to you. You need to start playing hard ball with her if you don't want to share your wife with another man. Has the affair been exposed to anyone yet? Start with the OM. Does he have a wife? She needs to know asap as she has been betrayed and her having a second set of eyes on her end certainly can't hurt. What about their HR department? Do they know of the affair? That would be my next stop? What about her family and yours? At this point with so many times that she has been caught, expose the A to all of these people as she has left you no choice. If you don't, it will for sure continue.

After leaving her job for a new one and exposing the A, she needs to have complete transparency with you. Passwords to all accounts, devices, anything that she may use to continue her affair.

Contact a lawyer. Start to know your rights so that if things go south, you will be able to make informed decisions. Seeing a lawyer does not mean you have to file. But KNOW your rights.

Next start shoving the consequences of her affair in her face. Start to talk about what a separation or what a divorce would look like. Who will be responsible for what expenses. Child care responsibilities. Living arrangements. These are all things that need to be discussed to show her the consequences of her actions. YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK. It will not work and that has been proven time and time again here. Start showing her what life will look like without you and maybe she will start to have respect for you. SHE HAS ZERO RESPECT FOR YOU and is very comfortable with her situation with you which is why it's perfectly ok for her to continue her affair. Make it very uncomfortable to do so. You have have to be able to let go of the outcome in order to save the marriage.

In addition, here are some posts that you may want to check out it you haven't already. You can find most of the abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out as there is a lot of useful information in the healing library..

Read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

And more 180 info under the target thread here:

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

Before You Say Reconcile...

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters (your wife):
20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with her:

Keep reading. Keep posting.


yearsofpain25 posted 7/10/2014 14:29 PM

She's afraid I will contact his wife if she tells me he's contacted her. If I tell her, then she knows I went into her ipad and then it's a huge fight as we agreed to a few things while we try to move forward. I'm not sure she is replying, it's only on his end.

You need to expose it anyway. First of all, the other BS has the right to know. Second of all, if all it does is provoke another fight vs her affair continuing, why wouldn't you do it. Even if she walked out. You didn't start this. She did and she needs to see that. Start getting tougher my friend or this is going to back fire on you.

ageek1 posted 7/10/2014 14:37 PM

Thanks for the comments!

I agree we went through hell and a lot of counselling. I believe it is over and she is not reaching out. She has told me about him contacting her and she just ignores it. She did change jobs, and as it turned out, he got a job with the same company (it's the medical industry so it's a close community)...i mean you can't write movies like that. We talked about divorce and she doesn't want him she wants our family and believe that she is not engaging him, but it drives my anxiety knowing she can't tell me when he does contact her.

1Faith posted 7/10/2014 14:50 PM

Do I need to be worried? She keeps telling me she's over him and he doesn't contact her


Yes, you need to be worried. She is still in contact with the OM.

She is lying to you about contact.

She will be mad because you looked at her IPad? You should be mad that she is still in contact and googling the OM.

You don't owe her any conditions, IMO. She cheated on you. She should be doing everything to earn back your trust and she is not.

Take back the power. Define your boundaries and let her know that her receiving text from the OM and not telling you IS breaking NC.

She is controlling the situation by setting boundaries for you. Turn the table and set your own.

Good luck. Move forward. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Regainingsanity posted 7/10/2014 14:52 PM

Dear ageek1,

I am glad your taking this first step to posting and reading everyones advice towards your situation. Honestly you're being too lenient. Why can't you look into her electronics, if she is having an A of course you need to check her iPad, her phone, laptop, emails and everything else you feel like checking. If i found something I would raise a hell of a storm. My WH does call me a drama queen so yeah haha. Let her know its not ok. Contact the OP's wife, call her, tell her the details and the gravity of the current situation with your WW and this OP. The OP wife needs to know and you have the responsibility to tell if you have a functioning moral compass. Demand answers, contact their work let them know this is serious business. The way I look at it is that if my WH wants to F*** up my family/marriage then I will(and have actually) F*** up his job. My family/marriage is my career, its my job and although I don't get paid and work full time and overtime everyday it is a legitimate job that I take pride in and also treasure and maintain secured from outside trespassing and negative influence. Remember that anything is possible,and if you see that your WW is willing to change or you think you can work through this than congratulations. You need to pray , pray and continually remind yourself of the present blessings you have. Ask for your WW iTunes or iCloud username and passwords so that its synced on you phone or iPad too. that way you can get everything she gets on your personal electronics. I wish you wisdom during this time in your life.

ageek1 posted 7/10/2014 15:26 PM

Thanks again for all the comments. The ipad and phone and computer is her work's so it's difficult to get access to it.
We are seeing counselling (imago) together and have made great strides but even thought she may not be communicating with him, she should stop it and not ignore.
I just sent a friend request to his wife on Facebook with a message. Hopefully I get a response.

Commanche1 posted 7/10/2014 15:35 PM

ageek1,"She keeps telling me she's over him", "she doesn't want him she wants our family," Well if this is all true then there should be no problem calling his wife then and letting her know the whole story, What will happen is that the other man will throw your wife under the bus, your wife shouldn't be upset when her boyfriend dumps her,(Remember she's over him)It will however insure that he doesn't contact her in the future. "We're 17 months after it's been over" no, no you're not, He is still in contact, pull the trigger on him

ageek1 posted 7/10/2014 18:25 PM

She argues that I need to trust her and checking her things is not trust. When I don't agree with that thought process and that I've heard that before and found contact, it doesn't build trust. She gets mad saying it's over and has been for over a year...and if there is no trust how can there be a marriage!! How do I rationalize with that? She's blocked him on linkedin and facebook. Why can't she tell me if he text her, even if she doesn't respond to him? It's like arguing and trying to reason with a brick wall.

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/10/2014 18:54 PM

Don't ask her tell her how it's going to be. IMO she is still in control. I agree with the comments above. True remorse is willing to help you through your fears. She's still protecting herself and him and covering the lies. I don't like the behavior you're describing. I think she's feeding you just enough to try to back you off. I'm so sorry that you're here. I'm completely overwhelmed myself so please forgive me if this comes off as harsh.

Badhurt posted 7/10/2014 19:01 PM

Boy does this sound familiar. She gets caught in an affair, and you get the rules of engagement out on you . Guess who is in control here.
First you need to tell her there is NO trust because she got herself involved with another man and has refused to stop talking to him. And googling his home.
Next, you better find the spouse of this OM and get to her immediately. Tell her you have a whole lot of MC bills because your wife and he will not stop communicating.
Having access to her electronics is one of the first demands you should be making and she should be easily agreeing to.
What you have going on is where she has a nice safe place to continue to carry on with him and you are not allowed to see it.
This is not going to change until you tell her you are not accepting this .
The just a kids is probably bull shit. Her inability to stop it basically is good evidence of that.
I would fire the Imago therapist. The mirroring and all that bull shit gives you wayward too much time to deflect questions and argue out points, and if the therapist is ignoring what you have posted here they know nothing about infidelity. I once had an Imago tell me a affair s 50% the fault of BS.
If she goes to any conferences that this guy is at you are in a world of hurt. You either need to hire a PI or take a lot of Valium .
Blowing this up to his wife is your best shot at stopping it without a lie detector test.
No matter what the fact you are here means the status quo ain't doing it for you.
Only you can change that

craig2001 posted 7/10/2014 20:16 PM

She argues that I need to trust her and checking her things is not trust.
Tell her it is totally up to her to rebuild the trust, NOT YOU.

She is still lying and since she is still lying, she is not doing her part.

Unagree to the iPad stuff.

Since she has shown she cannot be trusted, all agreements are off!

She wants you to trust her, it will take time and complete transparency on her part. Without her throwing a temper tantrum.

Complete transparency and honesty.

ageek1 posted 7/11/2014 10:36 AM

Thanks all for the support and suggestions!

We talked a bit...but turned into an argument. She agreed to let me see her phone but when I brought up the ipad, things turned worse. Her opinion was the deal was her phone, not the other stuff. I went through her phone and there was nothing. The argument turned to trust and I'll never be happy and it's over and what caused the affair, etc. I spoke with a counselor and he said I need to tell her I saw the text and her browsing his house but on a positive note, he said she can't control what he does and if she already told him not to contact her, then her not responding it one of the things she can's just the part of not telling me about it. Why she can't tell me is something that needs to be discussed (her fear of my reaction) and that she needs to get over it for the trust to build up again and that there needs to be transparency.

This morning she apologized and handed me the phone to check and confirmed that it is over with him. I believe it is over with him....she may have curiosity and that's why she googled his house that was for sale, but we are going to have to work on the transparency.

Are conversations always get heated and doesn't really accomplish anything, but in the morning, or a bit later, cooler heads prevail and we're able to talk constructively.

Thanks again for everyone's input.

ageek1 posted 7/11/2014 10:38 AM

Just a further note...I sent a friend request and note on facebook with a fictitious account saying that I know her husband and need to discuss a private and personal manner and her husband's lack of respect for other people and their marriage. So far I have heard anything back.

Tom67 posted 7/11/2014 12:28 PM

You know where they live then get a PI from there area and you will contact her.
Do not tell your wife.
This will make sure this affair is dead because he will be too busy scrambling to save his marriage.

ageek1 posted 7/11/2014 12:37 PM

I think they just moved...but I have their phone numbers and where his wife works.

Schadenfreude posted 7/11/2014 12:39 PM

She argues I need to trust her and checking her is not trusting her.

Know how to say "FUCK YOU" in her native language? "Trust me."

Classic rug sweeper and liar. Not what you want in a wife. She wants you to forget about her A and ask no questions. And do no checking. Makes it easier for her to continue, doesn't it?

Did you save her Google search and any messages you found? Do so to refute her denial when you confront her. She somehow knows his address or was told the house was for sale. Why? Divorce? That information to her smacks of opportunity, and smacks of fishing by him. She didn't come across that by chance.

Uhtred posted 7/11/2014 14:49 PM

It definitely sounds as if your wife is lying through her teeth. Not just about it being over with either. She has partially told you the truth about the kissing thing too. She had no right to tell you "your going to have to trust me". Trust is earned, we all are aware of what and where blind trust can lead to. The IPAD is a huge deal and if it were me I'd tell her that it is a deal breaker if you don't let me see it. People with nothing to hide hide nothing no matter what. It's too late for that now though because I'll bet the farm that evidence is long gone now.

You mentioned that she was looking up the OM's address to a house he was selling. I can only think of one reason for that and that is because they were going to meet up there. There is no explanation that would make me think anything different I don't believe. 17 months is a long time for things to be over with and your found looking up the address where he lives or used to live. That doesn't add up at all.

She must have had you agree to no snooping in her stuff by the way it sounds. Your wife needs to understand that this isn't "Lets Make A Deal". She's protecting the other man. If it were over with she wouldn't feel the need to keep protecting him after 17 months. If her remorse were that great she'd agree that the other man's wife should no what her husband has been up to. It would ruin what they have together if his wife were to find out right now though. You need an extra set of eyes on the situation and I'd do everything in my power to inform her of what happened and what's potentially still happening. This would be my first and foremost mission to get in touch with her.

This is something that I would suggest and I could be way off here but it's what I'd do. I'd ask her again if she's told you the absolute truth about everything. Of course she is going to say yes. Ask her her what she's willing to do to prove that to you especially after trying to hide the IPAD which is a huge red flag. I'd imagine she's going to tell you that her actions will speak for itself. I'd them inform her that you have scheduled an appointment with a polygraph examiner and that in order to continue the relationship you're going to need some assurance because as of late her actions have shown you that something is not right and that you hope and pray that you are wrong about what you feel in your heart to be true. Let her know what she'll be losing by continuing to live a lie with you. Reconciliation just isn't possible if that's the case which I really hope I'm wrong about.

If she is telling you the truth she will be relieved that she can prove to you that she is telling the truth and that you have nothing to worry about. If she's not she's going to be defensive and tell you that she can't believe that you are treating her like some criminal. She may go along with it and and try and test you by acting overly willing to go so that you will think she is being honest and cancel the appointment. Even if you don't make an appointment find out where one is and drive her to the location on the day you choose for the appointment. There is a good chance you will get a parking lot confession and then go from there once you've gotten the truth and wether or not you want to continue the relationship. A truly remorseful person would be willing and ready to do just about anything to make you feel safe within reason.

You may even give her the option before you leave to put everything on the table because there is no way you can reconcile based on lies. This may all sound a little harsh but I just can't help but think you are getting lied to about everything still. It makes me angry for you brother. Take all of this with a grain of salt but it's what I'd do. I'm nobody to you but I hope you consider my suggestion and take the advice you've already been given. Best of luck to you brother.

[This message edited by Uhtred at 3:07 PM, July 11th (Friday)]

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