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When is it OK to talk about insecurity.

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damncutekitty posted 7/10/2014 14:08 PM

I have been struggling with what I would consider some minor insecurities lately. I don't usually bother SO when little things are bothering me, I suppose in part because I don't like to be treated like I'm damaged or have baggage.

Well today one thoughtless comment from SO caused all the minor insecurities to merge together into a MASSIVE MELTDOWN. I was, quite literally, weeping at my desk all morning and ended up having to go to lunch early because I could not function.

So I guess when is it OK to talk to your SO about little things that bother you. I struggle with this in part because I am not always sure what is just my stuff and what is actual valid relationship concerns. Especially if he doesn't think it's a big deal (like the fact that we both spend a lot of time on our mobile devices while watching TV, I think we should interact more)

Ugh... frustrated.

She11ybeanz posted 7/10/2014 14:45 PM

I struggle a lot with self esteem issues and insecurities. I think I compare myself too much to MOW and to my XWH and to sperm donor. I wonder how they get so many relationships and I convince myself that they are happy and lucky to find companionship but overlook the toxicity of it all. That's when I slap myself in the face. They may seem happy on the outside....but truly are trapped by their own insecurities on the inside. They aren't happy. They are playing a good role. When the curtains fall at the end of the day.....they still have to look themselves in the mirror..... and be happy with the choices that they have made in their life.

I'm bad about nit picking at my body and how I'm not a size 2 and don't weigh 110 pounds! I weigh closer to 150 and am a size 8/10 and have curves! But, you know what.... I kick size 2 girls butts in 5ks all the time and I'm fit and I'm strong! When I lift weights in Bodypump class, I don't play around! I usually have heavier weight then the guys! So, maybe I'm heavier because I'm more muscular and more strong overall! The muscle mass fills in some of the extra skin that I have in my thighs, stomach, and arms from when I weighed 240lbs as a teenager. I would rather have a sexy curvy muscular (not manly) than a skinny flappy smaller body any day!

I think we are our biggest critics. We will put ourselves down for not being skinnier, smarter, or prettier. When in reality, we are all perfect in our own way. We are all unique and amazing! We just don't celebrate our positives ENOUGH. We don't accentuate the ROCKSTAR in all of us ENOUGH! If we could all look through half full glasses more as opposed to half empty.... smell the roses.....smile more.....laugh more....share more.... be open more.....we would live happy more fulfilled lives.

So open up to your SO. Share with him. Let him know your feelings. Its a beautiful thing to be vulnerable and open with someone you love and trust. And it will make you feel like a better woman for it.....and an emotional weight will lift off of your shoulders and you will feel relieved that you did so. I hope that someday I can find someone that I trust.....love.....and feel comfortable with enough to have that type of open relationship with again. I was that open with XWH.... and I hope that the damage he did has not closed that opportunity for the next guy. I would like to think not.

damncutekitty posted 7/10/2014 14:55 PM

I guess I feel like all my insecurities are so irrational that I should just keep them to myself.

Like if we don't have sex for a couple weeks I start to think "OMG HE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME ANYMORE!!!"

Then of course I am insecure about my insecurities and think how if I tell him about them then I will drive him off.

cayc posted 7/10/2014 14:56 PM

Hrmz. I get this. And I think there is a difference between confiding in someone your insecurities and making them responsible for your insecurities. Confiding is building intimacy, showing someone who you really are. Asking them to prop you up through them & make you complete and happy is the danger territory.

I think it's perfectly fair to tell your SO what your insecurities are, and then let him know what he did that really primed one to the point that you had a meltdown. Because I'm assuming he made some off the cuff remark that went straight through you and he likely has no idea. And I'm sure he wouldn't have deliberately made such a comment to be cruel so you do need to share with him these sorts of things.

damncutekitty posted 7/10/2014 15:01 PM

He has never said anything deliberately cruel in our entire relationship. It was a completely innocent remark, and it was in an IM so he didn't even get to see my reaction.


And I think there is a difference between confiding in someone your insecurities and making them responsible for your insecurities

OK this is a really good point.

wildbananas posted 7/10/2014 15:24 PM

Dang, kittycat... it's like you wrote this just for me today. I've been dealing with this as well. Logically, I know what it all boils down to - my stuff, our relationship transitioning from a LDR to being fulltime in close proximity (of course it's different, but that does not mean it's bad in the least), and once in a while, a healthy dose of PMS in the mix (ugh, that gets worse in your mid-forties). So logically, I get it. Emotionally, sometimes I struggle.

Over the last few years, I've been really conscious in sorting through what belongs to me (that four-letter word BAGGAGE) and trying not to project my crap/feelings on others. I think I go too far the other way, though. Not only do I not want to project my stuff onto SO (or anyone), I tend to try to handle everything myself so I don't speak up when I maybe I should, even if it's I just need a little reassurance.

And as I was mulling THAT over this morning, it occurred to me that my keeping everything to myself isn't being fair to him... it's setting him up to fail because I'm not even giving him a chance to help me or talk about stuff when I need it, you know? I know if he came to me with something that was bothering him, I'd absolutely want to hear it and help. So why should I believe he wouldn't do the same? Like your SO, mine has never been anything but sweet to me. He's never once said anything snarky or hurtful.

There's a difference between being all "I broke my nail!" whiny and "I'm feeling kind of insecure over something and could really a hug/talk." I'm really trying to learn that line.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 3:26 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

Crescita posted 7/10/2014 15:50 PM

And I think there is a difference between confiding in someone your insecurities and making them responsible for your insecurities

This is spot on and I think a lot of it is just how you frame it. Be positive, and come up with solutions to whatever is making you feel insecure. If the mobile devices are making you feel disconnected, find a way to remove the mobile devices without saying "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" I like to invite my guy to sit outside with me, or go for a walk, run to the store, etc... It's a more positive approach, and you will find ways to address your insecurities without just foisting it back onto your partner.

Newlease posted 7/11/2014 07:57 AM

I guess I feel like all my insecurities are so irrational that I should just keep them to myself.
Like if we don't have sex for a couple weeks I start to think "OMG HE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME ANYMORE!!!"
Then of course I am insecure about my insecurities and think how if I tell him about them then I will drive him off.

This is so familiar! But, I trust SO enough to share when things are bothering me. He has NEVER reacted adversely. He loves me, crazy insecurities and all. Life is too short to carry all that stuff around inside you.

Sending strength and peace!

NL

damncutekitty posted 7/11/2014 08:20 AM

We had a really good talk last night. Like probably one of the best ones in the history of us. I told him about all my insecurities. He confided some things to me. We agreed that we both need to work on not holding stuff in.

He told me last night that sometimes he questions his value to me as a partner. (I was shocked) I realized this morning that by not confiding my worries in him, I'm denying him the opportunity to help me. And, duh, letting him help me would help him feel more valuable. (omg and I had that realization before there was coffee even)

cmego posted 7/11/2014 08:48 AM

This is a great thread. Something I need to think about with current guy I'm seeing...

thyme2go posted 7/11/2014 14:50 PM

Might I suggest parking the electronics (all forms) while together? That is what SO and I try to do.

-t2g

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