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my husband had an affair in 8/2005... His affair partner exposed an earlier affair in 1999. lately I'm becoming more and more nervous that something is up. The calls on his way to and from work have ended. He's called either me or someone he's close to since he first got a mobile phone years and years ago on his commute. He's purchased new clothes - on his on. Last two affairs he just asked me to shop, but he's actually gone himself. The first time in our 25 year marriage. He's becoming more aggressive and irritable. Calls on his cell phone are being deleted. I can verify this since it's a "work phone" so I can't reconcile to online stats but he always talks to someone when he drives and it's not happening.

Any chance I'm just paranoid?

Help I'm feeling so nervous....

Can't Believe

Trust your gut. If you think something is going on, it probably is.

You are not being paranoid and you know you are not. After DDay those are glaring red flags... before DDay we brush them aside as "paranoia". Listen to your gut. Trust yourself.

((Can't believe)) Believe yourself.

You are not being paranoid. Those are indeed red flags. Do you feel comfortable enough to just come out and ask him what is up? For me, your 2 biggest red flags are deleting phone messages and his irritable behavior toward you. Ask him why he is deleting messages? And tell him he is behaving like he did when he was having an A and to just be honest with you because you think it's happening anyway! And if he insists he is not seeing anyone (even as an EA) then ask him again why is deleting phone messages? Remind him that any conversation he has that you would not be comfortable seeing is inappropriate.
Good luck!! (((cantbelieve)))

If he is having another affair and I let him know I'm suspicious, won't that just make him be more creative and hide more details? It's been almost 9 years since then last and 15 years since the first. We've done so well for so many years, to this point...

Honestly, if this were me, I would not confront him after having had 2 DDays already. I would 180 him and go into stealth mode. I would probably ask a close friend to follow him. VAR in car for sure. If he was having an A, I would divorce him. If he were dancing around the idea of having an A I would divorce him. If he were deleting texts and getting new outfits and being irritable with me, I would be looking for proof of A so that I could protect myself in the eventual D. That's just me.

You registered in 2006. You already know what this road is like - and so does your WH. Transparency is essential after an A, and he is not giving you that. What possible honourable reason could he have for deleting texts that would be worth risking your emotional security and trust in him? You have to love yourself and respect yourself enough to trust and protect yourself. I am so sorry you are in this place again.

I know on my WHs iPhone there was an option in settings to have all his texts forwarded to an email address. I didn't do that, but I should have.

You are not being paranoid you are being AWARE.

You know your H better than anyone, probably even himself.

How is your marriage? Do you communicate?

How did you make it through the affair? IC or MC?

Any remorse on your H part?

Look for patterns of behavior and what do you have to lose by asking "you seem different, like something is wrong...can we talk?"

Good luck. Follow your gut.

If he is on the phone, then I'd put a VAR in his car and stay quiet. Go into stealth mode.

Sorry though. Ugh.