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Bachelor Party?!

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Ree555 posted 7/10/2014 17:37 PM

Three weeks in and I have to give WS credit for doing everything right to work toward R. But...for a year dhe's had a trip with old friends planned for next month. We've been talking in MC about how one of WS' faults is that he lets go of people too easily in his life & I do want him to stay connected with old friends (OW being the obvious exception). Am I crazy if I let him go away for the weekend? I truly am not worried that he's going to meet up with her. My hesitation is that it seems like a reward & all his energy should be spent trying to repair our family. Or would it be counterproductive to keep him on such a short leash? I still feel like I'm in a fog & not able to make rational decisions. Thanks in advance for any advice.

Schadenfreude posted 7/10/2014 17:44 PM

Bachelor parties aren't like showers. Since drinking to excess is usually involved, none of those attending usually care about who didn't make it to the event. Unlike showers, I am told, where virtual attendance is taken and those who aren't there are sometimes topics of discussion.

In short, a weekend bachelor party is a privilege he hasn't earned. However........

No background in your post. If he's in the wedding party, he probably "has" to go. How old is he? Is this a first wedding for the guest of honor? After age 30 or 35, a bachelor party is rather optional.

And what sort of party is planned? Golf and beer? OK. Strip club? No. Private dancers? Definitely not.

Ree555 posted 7/10/2014 17:51 PM

Thank you for your response. Over 35 & it's definitely a golf & beer kind of event, for what that's worth.

Schadenfreude posted 7/10/2014 17:58 PM

Then its sort of a toss up. You want him to connect with old friends? Good way to do it. If it is golf and beer, he's not likely to revert to past bad practices. Just make sure it is MEN ONLY. You don't want him there is dancers have been hired, etc.

At 35+, there won't be too many more bachelor parties he's invited to, anyway. They are for the younger guys.

rachelc posted 7/10/2014 17:58 PM

Three weeks in


1devastedmom posted 7/10/2014 18:01 PM

Not happening in my house. My husband knows bachelor parties are out. If he wants to go that's fine with me but he will no longer be married to me if be does. i don't care if it's his best friend or if he's the best man.

Schadenfreude posted 7/10/2014 18:02 PM

WTF? I assumed months had passed or more. Three weeks is a "reward" and he'll see it as time off for good behavior. I've changed my opinion unless its his brother or he's in the wedding party. Forget cousins and friends -- he doesn't have to be there.

Try to get a guest list if you can from him or somebody. If old guys are invited, its more likely to be safe. At my age (61) I may be invited for golf but not if dancers are involved.

Rebreather posted 7/10/2014 18:02 PM

You know, three weeks into our R he went to corporate event for three days. It was an utter nightmare. I was still in a fetal position bleeing out of my eyeballs. It was a huge, huge mistake.

Of course, he DID meet up with the OW at this event to break up "in person."

If I could do it over again, no way, no how. I think ALL of his energy should be focused at home.

Sunnydaysahead posted 7/10/2014 19:01 PM

My H had a golf weekend scheduled with buddies four weeks after DDay. I am usually a big supporter of his golf weekends.....not this time. It didn't happen then and wont be happening anytime in the near future. His responsibility is to try and repair the damage he has done to our marriage. Luckily I didn't have to tell him it was a bad idea, he figured that out for himself. I would have put my bitch boots on and vetoed the trip if he hadn't done so on his own.

Like your H, mine doesn't do a great job of staying in touch with old friends or planning outings (well he was evidently pretty good at staying in touch with the OW...), he usually relies on his buddies to do the work.

You need to do what feels right for your situation. Your H has betrayed you in the most selfish way possible, you should be worried about yourself, not him at this point. I definitely don't feel that not wanting him to go is keeping him on a short leash.

karmahappens posted 7/10/2014 19:02 PM

I would expect at 3 weeks out my husband to say....

" I am going to cancel my plans for this Bach party because your healing and our marriage are more important"

I am not his mother and don't give permission for things, I expect him to get it, think about my feelings and if he had a question wrt an event or social setting he would ask me how I felt.

You should come first right now, you and your marriage....period.

No party, no golf,no fun and games.

It's sink or swim here, fun isn't even in the equation.

Time Ticks On posted 7/10/2014 20:21 PM

No, three weeks is too soon.

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