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the long tail

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tonic0405 posted 7/10/2014 17:48 PM

My bonus child ( step daughter ) is home for the summer. She is 15 and the most respectful, kind and loving young woman. She is aware of her dad's affair and how it nearly destroyed me and the jury is still out on whether it has destroyed us. I have talked with her about what we are doing to try to stay together and she listens. She says that it is our trouble to work out and really doesn't care much BUT one evening she witnessed her dad sitting alone in the kitchen crying and obviously upset about the day. It had been a hard day for me( mind movies all day ) and I had quietly told him that I couldn't do this anymore and that I needed out. We all have those days, right? Where it just feels too big. Anyway, this young lady saw her dad in pain. She hates me now. She would never ever express that which also concerns me because I am afraid she is bottling things up. I felt it, I feel it. Actually, I feel like she is confused about loving me and hating me at the same time. I am doing everything in my power to stay focused on progress but for goodness sake, will the long tail of this affair stop hurting every relationship in our lives? My adult children have been hurt, my parents have hurt, his family has been hurt and now the relationship that I have tried so hard to build with his child is damaged. I am angry AND I am grateful that my WH has the unconditional love of his daughter because he so needs that right now. Thanks for reading.

Lionne posted 7/10/2014 17:58 PM

Yes, that tail of destruction is long and wide. But too often it's exacerbated by the secrets that follow.
It seems that it may be time for a heart to heart with her, maybe a father-daughter meeting, and then one with the three of you. She needs to hear where you all stand, with age and circumstance appropriate details. Her world is affected too.
Infidelity does sometimes break up families. Some can recover, some cannot. It is possible to love her father and hate his actions. She needs to hear from him that this is OK. She needs permission from him to love you, even if you are not together. She's only a kid, it must be so confusing to her.
It must be so painful for all of you.
I'm holding you all in the light....

tonic0405 posted 7/10/2014 18:03 PM

I'm holding you all in the light....

Thank you so much.

FixYou71 posted 7/10/2014 23:16 PM

I agree. I think a sit down with the three of you is warranted. Give yourself some time for both of you to decide how and what you want to say to her based on the goals of the conversation. Communication is so important.

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