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He found out that I hired a PI in Nashville

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TS68 posted 7/10/2014 19:02 PM

I have not posted in months, but was urged by a private message friend to put my story on the boards for feedback.

Since last summer, I have been suspecting an inappropriate relationship between my H and his secretary. After many red flags and staunch denial from my H that their relationship was strictly professional, I stumbled upon the fact that he was taking her on a business trip to Nashville. When I asked him before the trip if he was bringing anyone else from his company he said no. So I hired a PI.

The PI confirmed she was there, but saw no signs of affection between the two of them. They were entertaining 10 customers the whole time the PI was following them. I was relieved that nothing was found, but the fact that he lied about her attendance still stood out in my brain. This is when I stopped posting, because I figured I had a liar on my hands as opposed to a cheater.

A few weeks after the trip, I told him that I knew she went. He admitted it was true, but instead of being apologetic, he told me some excuse for her presence but said I would have gone ballistic had he told me. I reminded him that he promised no more lies regarding her, but he just said "too bad, I had no choice"

Then he again said he would not lie about her anymore.

I did some digging, heard two conversations between them recently where he was bad mouthing me... Saying I am always yelling at him, talked about how he is not afraid of getting an apt and living alone. Also took her on a golf outing, where she admitted to drinking too much, he gave her a lot of compliments. He said he was going to give her some golf clubs he gave me which I never used, told her about "how he never paid for ho's" then about how he and the kids "lived large" in Scottsdale, implying that I did not attend a family trip. (I came a day late BC of my job). Another conversations he told her she should go topless to another industry (joking, of course) event that he told me she wasn't attending. And showed her pics of our remodeled basement, claiming he did it all himself (we hired a contractor). I could go on an on, but one thing I will say, the conversations were anything but professional. Tough to say what is really going on there but I will say he is not keeping his word with me.

All of that last info he does not know I heard. Nor have I confronted him on it.

So... Last week he called me while I was working, asked why there were large withdrawals from our kids savings. I wanted to lie but he said he was calling the bank. So I told him flat out: I hired a PI while you were in Nashville with secretary.

Furious was not the word. Livid. When I finally saw him that night I told him that I had no choice, I have repeatedly asked him to be honest about his time with her and he continued to lie. I told him the truth that I just needed to know. He called me crazy, delusional, actually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran down the driveway.

It has been one week since this happened. We have talked very little. I have slept on the couch by choice. I told him that I would do it all again, I had no other choice. He claimed someone must have "helped me with this... I don't just hire a PI on my own" I got in his face and said no one helped me. I did it all myself. He underestimates me. He insists that I will have to show I am really really sorry for what I did before he forgives me.

Spent a few days away on a girls trip with my mom daughter and niece. Now I am home and dreading facing him.

I know I need to get out. Just still feel like this is such a crazy situation, no proof of an affair, yet constant lies. He even lies to her about unrelated stuff.

Please, feedback? What should my next move be... I know the obvious, but am really just overwhelmed

TrustedHer posted 7/10/2014 19:07 PM

He called me crazy, delusional, actually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran down the driveway.

Why do you value yourself so little you'd stay in this situation?
He's abusive, disrespectful, lying, controlling.

You're passive, endangered, and abused.

Get help.

He should have been arrested immediately after slapping you.

WinterBranch posted 7/10/2014 19:12 PM

To preface, I'm from Nashville. AND I'm a '68 model.

Woman, I'm here for you. Do whatever I can for ya. Just wanted you to know.

Gut feelings are given to us to help our lives. Honor them.

Much love to you and yours,

rachelc posted 7/10/2014 19:27 PM

ctually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran

Run, as fast as you can. File a report with the police and see a divorce attorney. He is abusing you in so many ways....

I also hired a PI. If he's not going to tell me the truth about my life then I'll do what I need to do to find out myself. And not apologize for it

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:29 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

Badhurt posted 7/10/2014 19:34 PM

I don't give a shit if you hired the CIA to track him, him physically hitting you or putting his hands on you is END OFGAME .
You need to file a police report, get an attorney and get away from him.
He is lying to you, at least surely trying to get in her pants, and you cannot allow this to continue.
Next time he might hit you harder

Lostly posted 7/10/2014 19:44 PM

You need to leave immediately. It is NEVER ok for anyone to physically assault you, EVER. Better yet, he needs to leave. Do not let your kids grow up around violence. Please do not subject yourself or them to that.

He is repeatedly lying to you, that much you know as fact. On top of that he is either wanting an A or currently engaging in an affair. He doesn't care about your feelings, he only cares about himself. I don't care if you used all of your kids savings, hired 10 PI's and had him followed 24-7 for the last 10 years, violence is NEVER justified or OK.

Please call a good divorce lawyer, and please, please, please protect yourself and your children.

I know its hard, but its the right thing to do. If you can't do it for your self, please do it for your children. I am so so sorry you are going through this. ((((hugs))))

SisterMilkshake posted 7/10/2014 20:01 PM

(((TS68))) I am so sorry. You didn't deserve any of that abuse. I believe you are in shock. Please listen to the wise words of the previous posters and act quickly to protect yourself and children.

I know it must be crazy making to not have definitive proof, but whatever your husband is or isn't doing, his behaviour is shady. He doesn't care about your feelings. Is this the first time he has struck you, pushed, squeezed, etc. you?

I wouldn't confront him any further, TS, about what you heard. What is the point? I am afraid his violence will escalate if you do confront him. He is not safe for you to be around. An innocent person, a person who truly loves you, who has your happiness and well being as his priority, doesn't go off like that, so you aren't crazy. You are being majorly gaslighted somehow. You don't need to figure out how, you are. I have heard of some very crazy, convoluted gaslighting here on this board, TS. BS's don't think of this shit because we don't think like unremorseful WS's. It is literally crazymaking.

Take care, TS. Please, even call a women's shelter, I believe they can give you some great tips to keep you safe. I am not being melodramatic here. He raised a golf club at you. That is some scary freaking shit and also very traumatizing. Are you in IC? Right now is the time to start if you aren't already. You can have a case of PTSD. Keep posting and let us know how it is going.

brkn_heartd posted 7/10/2014 20:13 PM

I am sorry you are in this situation. Your situation is very concerning, especially with the violence you mentioned. Unfortunately, in the news in the last few days two families were killed as a result of domestic violence. It is a real thing. Your spouse has significant issues. You need to get out with your children, or kick him out. If you want to work things out do in when you know you are safe with professional help. This is nothing to take lightly.

He is a liar, you know that. He thinks you are unworthy, and helpless. That is obvious by his comments that you are not capable of hiring a private investigator. He is concerning! You do not deserve this!

MissMouseMo posted 7/10/2014 20:23 PM

Game Over, sweetie.

He has become violent.

simplydevastated posted 7/10/2014 20:35 PM

Please get help. If he's capable of this who knows what he'll do. I know that first call is tough. Please reach out to someone.

Sending you strength and (((hugs)))

nekorb posted 7/10/2014 20:35 PM

I'm so sorry that happened.

Make a police report. Get an attorney RIGHT NOW. Get him the fuck out of your house. Protect yourself and your kids.

Totally unacceptable behavior. The rest of the story doesn't even matter right now, to be honest.

Safety first. Always.

WarehouseGuy posted 7/10/2014 20:36 PM

He insists that I show I am really sorry for what I did before he forgives me.

He's been caught and he's trying to save his ass now. Fuck him.

There is NO reason for physical violence. Run NOW! You NEED to protect your kids and yourself. Time to lawyer up.


StillLivin posted 7/10/2014 20:37 PM

Didn't the police arrest him when you called them? You did call them and report the domestic abuse right?
Cheating is forgiveable if the WS is willing to put in the work to fix their mess. Physical abuse is not. It's time to file and run like hell. I feel sorry for the co-worker. Looks like he is setting up his next victim. Since she isn't an OW I would warn her about his pathological lying and physical abuse while I was on my way out the door!

cryingdaily posted 7/10/2014 20:39 PM

You hired a PI and he raged, slapped and kicked you.

I don't even want to think about the rage he will show when you actually catch him.....because IMHO, he is just very good at not getting caught.

I am afraid for you. Please get away from him.


whattheh posted 7/10/2014 20:48 PM

It was bad enough that he has been emotionallly abusing you with gaslighting about the emotional affair he is apparently engaged in with COW. He is extremely defensive and is deflecting and changing attention from what he is enagaged in with COW.

Now that he has reacted violently towards you it's time to get some help from outside resources don't you think? Please do as others say and talk to attorney and domestic abuse shelter.

Badhurt posted 7/10/2014 21:14 PM


Hope you are ok. You asked for advice and you got it. And it was basically 100% the same.
You his and s either involved in A or wants one
He wants you to allow it to happen
And he is willing to now hit you to get his way

Now you need to act and do what you need to do. Do not use your kids as am excuse. There are many women who have been hurt very badly dong that

TS68 posted 7/10/2014 21:16 PM

I just need to figure out what to do NOW. I am trying not to aggravate him. I don't care about the damn secretary. I just wanted something solid to use against him.

I will call an attorney tomorrow. Take it from there.

Thank you all.

Badhurt posted 7/10/2014 21:36 PM

Just stay safe and do not hesitate to call police if necessary

sisoon posted 7/10/2014 22:20 PM

Just to be sure...

You do think the domestic violence is the 'something solid', right?

And it's not about using it against him. It's about protecting yourself.

Frankly, promising to tell the truth and then lying is pretty solid, too.

Lostly posted 7/10/2014 23:33 PM

I am glad that you are seeing a lawyer. Please keep us posted, and please, please, please stay safe. Its time for you to get the heck out'a Dodge....(((hugs)))

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