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Newest Member: Gypsy2017 (60730)

User Topic: The Awakening
♀ 41053
Member # 41053
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted in a while but lurk occasionally on SI. Today is my 1 year "anniversary" since D-Day which I now think of as The Awakening. Leading up to the one year mark, I had a lot of apprehension and wasn't sure how well I would handle it. There were lots of struggles and I feared losing my sanity this past year. WW never showed remorse and continued to secretly contact OW up until he had emergency surgery in February. It was then that he seemed to have his own "awakening". Our marriage has been gradually improving. I've read two books that helped me help myself that are called, "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr.James Dobson and "Boundaries in Marriage" by Drs.Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

My WH wore a Marine Corp cap that he came home with around Christmas. I knew he was still in contact with OW and figured she must have given it to him. That cap represented "them" and I hated it, but I would never say anything to him. I did evil things to that cap when I had the opportunity but he never seemed to notice how dirty it had become and the way the brim was starting to unravel. He wore it everywhere. Our oldest daughter was aware of my feelings and beliefs about "the cap". She took a vacation to the east coast and returned with a new Marine Corp cap. He said that he liked the new one a lot, but said that he was going to save it for special occasions. Grrrr, that bothered me! After she had left, I spoke to WH saying that I wanted to ask him a question even though didn't think he would answer me truthfully but I hoped that he would be truthful. He said ok. So I looked up to his head and asked, "Did OW give you that cap?". He seemed taken back that I asked that question, but he did finally answer, "No, but she did give me the black one." That took me by surprise because I never thought about that. I had seen an old cap in his pickup but never gave it any thought. So, I asked him if it was in his truck and he said, "It could be". (Duh...of course it was there, I have seen it, but didn't say anything). Well, I told need to get rid of it and I don't mean go hide it somewhere, but permanently get rid of it.

Now, I've never spoke or confronted him like that before and I think my reading is helping me develop a little backbone....I hope.

Anyways, I left the house to get the oil changed but my emotions were churning so I returned home to find my WH installing a ceiling fan in Daughter's room wearing the new cap she had bought for him. I found out later that he had thrown both caps in the outside trash (my discovery, he did not tell me). Yes, I believe OW gave him both caps, but the gesture of trashing them sure gave me encouragement. Even with it being our D-Day, I have made it through today feeling ok, not defeated and not triggering. Will we make it? I don't know. I hope so, but if not, it will be his loss because I won't go down that road again.

Me (BS) 59
Him (WH) 58
DD July 10, 2013
My Motto: "I'm fairly certain that nothing is certain anymore"

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Middle of USA
♀ 43876
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad you liked the Boundaries in Marriage book. I just ordered it and the regular Boundaries. I do listen to Dave Ramsey and he is always recommending that book. My IC feels I am an enabler and that I have no boundaries at home. It's funny as I have them at work so much that my boss mentioned it the other day when I told her about the book I ordered.
She was shocked that I needed that book. I do hope it helps me to see how I can strengthen my boundaries with those that I love. I am a horrible enabler that does everything for everyone at home.

Your "cap" story was very nice to read. Sounds like your WH was half honest about them, but looks like the stepped up in the end getting rid of them.

BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
♀ 42654
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you!!!
The small victories aren't always so small are they?
I'm proud if you.

H: 50
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 22 and DS 18
Married 1993

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 3

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