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User Topic: Ego Kibbles
Matilda23
♀ 42807
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with ego kibbles. I crave than and want them. I wanted them with OM. Now that I am working on healing myself I find myself still wanting this. I know it's just external validation and I can only be happy with myself and be happy that BBF only wants me. But why do I still need this attention. Why do I still dress up and have an invisible sign that says "look at me".

It made me sick to my stomach when I told BBF that I got up today to walk in front of a man so he could check me out. I wanted that. I have been stronger this week but it only shows that I'm still very broken. I want to fix this thinking but where do I start?


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Curious. As an ex-ego-holic.

How long does your high last before you're looking for the next one? Maybe seconds? A couple minutes if you're lucky.

Don't you find it exhausting to be on the lookout for your next fix? I know I did.

Matilda, there is nothing wrong with looking nice. But we need to look nice for ourselves. Not others. How do you start? Well, why do you need them? Dissect your thoughts. What drives you to want them? When did you start needing them? What shifted in your life that you needed them? For every question you answer, ask yourself why again. There will be layers upon layers. Internal work. It's a bear. But you can do it. One question and one thought at a time.


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
Matilda23
♀ 42807
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How long does your high last before you're looking for the next one? Maybe seconds? A couple minutes if you're lucky.
Not very long because I'm always looking from men, women, friends, family, coworkers. It first matter who, it's just me wanting to feel like I'm wanted. That I'm good enough for all these people.
Don't you find it exhausting to be on the lookout for your next fix? I know I did.
Yes, because I should only care about what I think or only what BBF feels about me. I shouldn't have to get my fix off of someone else.

Tonight I told BBF that I had a crush on someone. That I found this guy at work attractive. I walked by so I could get his attention. I hurt him because he was not a thought that crossed my mind and it really makes me sick to think this way. I don't even want to date the guy, I just wanted to know he found me attractive and wanted me. I love him but how can I think I have a crush on someone when I love someone else. I told him it's part of my SLA, but he felt I was blame shifting. I'm not trying to at all as I'm trying to pinpoint what is causing my thought process. He feels I may be flirting with other men at work but I don't think I do. I'm just friendly with everyone. I hurt him and he is not safe with me. He will never be safe with me if I keep thinking like this. I want to replace my brain with a new brain. I just want to vomit at how disgusting I sound.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have a crush in someone. You are seeking the drug. The guy put out "the vibe" and your broken responded to it.

You seek from others that which you cannot believe for yourself.

However, if you don't believe yourself, you don't really believe others either, otherwise you wouldn't continually seek that high.

Where are you on your selfwork? Have you read Not Just Friends? What's your having plan?


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
DrJekyll
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The biggest game changer for myself in the ego-kibbles was accepting that my bucket can be empty. Allowing myself to feel empty. For me once I did this, then I got to choose what I wanted to fill my bucket with. In essence a blank slate instead reaction. For me, empty bucket used to me get external validation. Now empty bucket means, why. Why do I feel this way. What can I do for myself to not feel so empty. Then I make plans and set goals and evaluate where I am on my current plans and goals.

Hope this helps


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 894 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
sorrowfulmate
♂ 43441
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I try to do a few positive affirmations each day.

My IC says I have to quit looking for validation outside myself.

Which is tough because my primary love language is words of affirmation. So am having to learn to love myself so that I don't need others to love me.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 275 | Registered: May 2014
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even want to date the guy, I just wanted to know he found me attractive and wanted me

At this point, this person has ceased to become a person to you, he is an object that can be used to make yourself feel better.

You have a bucket with a very large gaping hole in the bottom. No matter how many looks, compliments, praises you get, it will never be enough until you fix yourself. So stop fishing and casting hooks. You are doing more damage to yourself every time you do it.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5247 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
NoGoodUsername
♂ 40181
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doing all the work to go after ego kibble and put up the facades to keep it coming is going to be lost effort in the long run. Find something else that actually means something to you to do with that effort. I know, it's much easier said than done.

These ego kibble hits are turning you into a junkie for the chemicals that your body makes when you get your hit. You are treating other people like drug dispensers. You are spending the effort of your life on getting high.
This is how I lived my life for decades and it almost cost me my marriage. It did cost me my self-esteem, my friends, my wife's respect and inflicted untold hurt on her and the people around me.
Go find something to spend your effort on that will give you quiet and honest self-esteem. It's not as big a high at any given moment, but it will last and there is no harm to it.
Good luck


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 261 | Registered: Aug 2013
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a bucket with a very large gaping hole in the bottom. No matter how many looks, compliments, praises you get, it will never be enough until you fix yourself. So stop fishing and casting hooks. You are doing more damage to yourself every time you do it.
TG nailed it. Not to mention, you sell a piece of your soul to the highest bidder every time you do it.

I know this journey first hand. I was you not too long ago. I needed attention and validation every second my eyes were open and why? Because I didn't believe in myself. I didn't love myself. I didn't know how to validate myself - so I went looking for it. It boils down to insecurity and lack of self worth.

I am curious - what kind of work are you doing on yourself? are you in IC?


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6042 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
LostTime
♂ 42018
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - so many great responses here. I too am an ego kibble junkie.

What Aubrie said..

However, if you don't believe yourself, you don't really believe others either, otherwise you wouldn't continually seek that high.

This combined with the bucket metaphor is EXACTLY what it is. It is a drug, addiction whatever you want to call it. The fact that you said Matilda, that "I have been stronger this week but it only shows that I'm still very broken" is good.

It is one thing to become aware, it is another to accept yourself and find your self worth. I know personally, it's take a hell of a long time to become this f'd up in my thinking, but one day at a time it can be changed.

Well, why do you need them? Dissect your thoughts. What drives you to want them? When did you start needing them? What shifted in your life that you needed them? For every question you answer, ask yourself why again. There will be layers upon layers. Internal work. It's a bear. But you can do it. One question and one thought at a time.

^^This is where you start. Don't look at the big picture, I made that mistake and I ended up stuck inside my head trying to figure it out instead of breaking it down into manageable chunks.

Thank you for posting because everyone's answers here have been helpful and help with the determination to get to where I need to be.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
Matilda23
♀ 42807
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie,
You don't have a crush in someone. You are seeking the drug. The guy put out "the vibe" and your broken responded to it.
Is it really a vibe? I told BBF the same thing and he said there was no vibe, I must have been flirting with him. That people just don't get vibes. I honestly, do not see any flirting when I had to interact with this guy. I know, in the past I always wondered what it would be like to be with other men. How they would treat me, physically, emotionally, and sexually. I imagined that. I did that with this guy, I wondered what it would be like for him to want me.
Where are you on your selfwork? Have you read Not Just Friends? What's your having plan?
Honesly, I don't know where I am on my self work. I do IC once a week, but we are working on my coping skills because I am the biggest child and could throw a tantrum like a 2 year old, or not know how to handle any emotions. I am working on my timeline so that I can break down why I justified the A when I had many chances to stop it. I started reading Not Just Friends last month, but never got to finish it. I have boundaries in place, but i don't have a boundary for when this happens. I know it's not a boundary issue and I know its something in me.

Dr. Jekyll,

Why do I feel this way. What can I do for myself to not feel so empty. Then I make plans and set goals and evaluate where I am on my current plans and goals.
I am very codependent, so I do not know how to set goals for myself. I have to have someone around telling me I am doing a great job, or that they are proud of me. I joined soccer but I get discouraged because I'm not good enough. But there is one team, who encourages me and I like it, where as the other team I am on, I hate, because they do not. It just isn't fun then.

Sorrowfulmate,

I try to do a few positive affirmations each day.
I do what I call is "My Sevens". I tell myself two things I like about myself physically, personality, intellectually and I forgive myself for one thing I did. I added telling myself 3 things I am also thankful for and it has helped me a little.

Tired Girl,
I do have a bucket with a hole in it. I know I need to stop seeking this attention and validation from others and fix the gap that I have created and find way to make myself just love me. I know I have always had to get attention from teachers, friends, anyone to make me feel good at a young age. My mom left us as a child, my dad had me touch him as a child, and I was never good enough in my family. So seeking it from others made me know I was wanted, I was valued, I was "loved".

NoGoodUserName,

Doing all the work to go after ego kibble and put up the facades to keep it coming is going to be lost effort in the long run. Find something else that actually means something to you to do with that effort. I know, it's much easier said than done.
Honestly, I do not know what I get excited about or something I enjoy that would help me with my ego kibbles. I know I like staying at home and spending the time with BBF. There is just never enough time in the day to share. And that would make me the happiest.

MissesJai,

I know this journey first hand. I was you not too long ago. I needed attention and validation every second my eyes were open and why? Because I didn't believe in myself. I didn't love myself. I didn't know how to validate myself - so I went looking for it. It boils down to insecurity and lack of self worth.
How long before, you did not need attention from others, but started loving yourself. I am very insecure and i do lack self worth. I'm having a hard time learning how to validate myself.

LostTime,
I want the attention because I was never good enough. I wanted people to tell me I was good enough. I grew up this way for so long it was normal. My mom leaving and my dad as an alcoholic caused abandonment issues causing me to want people to need me and want me because I felt my parents never wanted me. My dad showed me he wanted me in other ways, I love him and its hard for me to accept what he has done because I love him.


I know I need to dig deeper, it's really hard when you think you are moving in the right direction only to learn that you have not even moved anywhere.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do have an IC that specializes in CSA and FOO? What is your earliest memory of not feeling wanted? This is the stuff you should be working on.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5247 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Matilda23
♀ 42807
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tired Girl,

My IC focuses on trauma. She works with substance abusers and finds way for them to heal. I have brought it up a few times but we never really talk about it. We talk about my coping skills.

And I felt not wanted as early as preschool. I remember when my mom left the house while everyone was sleeping and I got up and followed her. She gave me fudgecicle so "i wouldn't cry" so she could sneak off with OM. I cried and woke up my dad, and they fought. I remember living with my grandma and one time they threatened to take me to my mom, so I ran in the house and locked all the doors behind me. No one wanted me.

I feel like I am stuck. I thought I had a plan to heal myself, but my plan is not working as I am still having old thoughts that got me here. I know I need to fix myself but how? I am stuck. I thought going to see an IC, coda, reading, would help. But I'm still very broken. Where do I start so I can heal and be a safe partner?


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think there is a vibe Matilda. Broken attracts broken. I can tell the difference between someone looking at me and someone looking at me. And I looked at others the same way. I could scan a room and see who was putting off the vibe. And my vibe was on full display. We could be complete strangers but we both knew exactly what the other wanted.

I can still see it in people's eyes. The difference is, I locked my vibe up. I put my walls up. I don't want other men. I save my sexy for QS. I save the flirting and the innuendo for him.

I am polite and courteous to strangers. But I keep it very proper. No stupid googly eyes and batting lashes. No deliberate sway in my walk. (Unless QS is walking behind me.)

If you want to experience other people, leave your relationship and play. If you crave worldly knowledge that much, go. Your BS is not those other men. My husband is not those other men. They never will be. You have to let go of the "what ifs" if you want R. At the end of the day, a kiss is a kiss. Sex is sex. There are slight variations, but it really is all the same. You can have all kinds of wild and exciting experiences with your BS. You can explore and be crazy with him.

But none of that really matters. Because you aren't cool with you. You need to figure out why and where this craving originated so you can put a lid on it. You won't ever be happy with your BS, or any random Joe, unless you're cool with you. You'll just drift from dude to dude.

Ya know?

[This message edited by Aubrie at 10:46 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am late to this thread, but you ask where to start.

I believe, and from my experience, it comes from leaving to love yourself. You will never get what you need to feel fulfilled from another person.

How to do that? Lots of work. I am entering year 3 of my journey. Somedays I feel great about myself, on top of my world and my game, other times I feel like I am a worthless shit.

Difference is now that I am aware when that happens, and I can choose to act out, or not act out. That wasn't the case 3 years ago. 3 years ago it was a mindless reaction to how I felt. Now I can choose the healthy way.

Because you aren't cool with you.

^^yep^^


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Matilda23
♀ 42807
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie,
Your BS is not those other men. My husband is not those other men. They never will be. You have to let go of the "what ifs" if you want R. At the end of the day, a kiss is a kiss. Sex is sex. There are slight variations, but it really is all the same. You can have all kinds of wild and exciting experiences with your BS. You can explore and be crazy with him.
MN is not other men. He is the only person I want. You are right, I need to stop this what if, but what do I do when I think the what if's, do I write them down, do I avoid them, do I talk about them? I know I need to stop them, but what what do I do after I recognize it? I know all I need is MN's validation.

Badchoice,
It does come from learning to love myself, but how do I do that when I don't. What did you do? What helped you?


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What did you do? What helped you?

Both great questions. I wish I had it all figured out, but I realized that self care and self love meant a few different things.

I started to take care of myself in a few areas, socially, spiritually, and physically.

Socially:
and what that looked like to me was making stronger connections to my male friends. I craved attention from women, so I made it a mission to have more male friends. Now I hang out with guy friends, have a group of guys that meet once a week to play soccer, etc. This is also good for the physical aspect of myself too. It also means having firm boundaries and not falling into old ways of being around people in general, and women specifically.

Spiritually:
I attend Coda meetings when I can. I read self help books, and I need to start meditation again.

Physically:
eating better, or at all when I am really down eating at all, exercise, etc.

I am not perfect. I stumble, struggle to do these thins sometimes, but all of these things add up and when I can accept that I am important to do these things for myself, it makes me feel better about myself.

Does this make sense?


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Matilda23
♀ 42807
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Badchoice,

Thank you for your response. It does make sense, but its not only validation from men that I love. It could be from anyone. My soccer team because they encourage me and tell me I do great. My coworkers tell me that I am an asset to the company. That is validation.

I stay away from social situations as its not good for me. I have not gone out until this month and I stayed away from an alcoholic beverage because I get to touchy feely with other people. I have not had a drink in a few months for my healing, and I don't need it to make me happy. I have been proud that I have not needed a drink.

I do go to Coda, but with everything that I have done I feel like I am stuck and do not know what to do. But what you have said makes sense, but I don't think that plan is for me. I think I need a different plan.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get what you are saying.

One thing though;

That is validation.

There is a difference between healthy validation, and what you described in your OP about trying to get 'checked out'

BUT - work out a plan that works for YOU.

Good luck.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Matilda23
♀ 42807
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

badchoice,

I'm sorry, if i was being a pest. I know you are trying to give me advice and I appreciate it as I am stuck. I hope I can find a plan that works for me. I just want to feel safe and not think this way anymore.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 24
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