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Why???? And wishful thinking.

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SoLost&Confused posted 7/10/2014 22:54 PM

This is perhaps more relevant to "Just Found Out" or "General," but we are in R, so I am posting here. It is almost 3.5 years since I found out about his A, and about 4 years since it began, so I thought I was "past" this, but... I was just struck by a huge sense of sadness and anger and regret and a literal sense of being confounded about why he could have done what he did. Our younger child (with whom I was pregnant during his affair) is now the age our older child was during his affair, so what had laid more dormant is triggered more frequently for me, I find. I haven't actually logged into this site in probably about two years. But today, I need to.

We continue to work on our relationship,ourselves, and with our counselor, and all the challenges that come with parenting two young( ish) children while both working in full-time careers. A lot of the time we are doing well. He is committed again to our marriage. Me, too. Yet, I just broke down in tears for the first time in a long time, and I'm not entirely sure why. I think I'm just sad that our marriage and family (and my mind) are tainted by the affair. Usually I take the outlook of "look what we were able to build together" approach, but tonight I feel sabotaged by the "why does this have to be part of our relationship?" feeling.

I so wish he hadn't chosen to have an affair. I'm not looking for anything in particular with this post, I just needed to get my thought out there.

FixYou71 posted 7/10/2014 23:22 PM

Aww, right out of the blue and you just feel sucker punched.

I think the best thing you can do is communicate this to your H. You don't have to know why to share your hurt with him. It's still a process and sometimes the pain resurfaces.

If I had a better handle on my own pain I'd have better advice but want you to feel heard and understood.

Take good care of you!

SoLost&Confused posted 7/11/2014 00:27 AM

Thank you. It is nice not to feel alone. I will share this with my H, when he gets back home. He is traveling for work right now, which is probably adding to it all, though that was not an element of his A.
This is so hard, but I believe that it is worth it.

littlemiss1 posted 7/11/2014 00:48 AM

Sorry to see you post.
I'm only 3months from dday but actually wanted to say.
The fact that you haven't written on here for two years gives me hope.
That maybe one day I won't feel God damn angry and bitter everyday.
Most days are a struggle.

It's painful and sad and I was pregnant when I like at my little boy it hurts me deeply.

You seem like you have come such a long way,you are together and working at it.
Share with your husband how you feel.
There's bound to be times when it hits you hard,but the fact you aren't like it all the time.
Is such a great sign.

Yes its tainted it,sadly.
But look how strong you have been to work through it together.
Now you have a stronger bond,understanding of each other and marriage. You have both worked hard on your marriage because you want to.

SoLost&Confused posted 7/11/2014 04:36 AM

Littlemiss1 - thank you for helping remind me of all the good. And there definitely is good, and progress, lots of it.

I am so sorry that looking at your little boy is painful, and I get it. All I can say is that I don't think it will always be painful. The joy of him, and memories that you build with him, and his little personality as it emerges, will dominate what you feel when you look at him. I used to feel so sad looking at my innocent baby girl, and then the fact that I felt sad made me even sadder, and sometimes angrier. Now (and for a while now), she is so much herself that that's what I see. (((lttlemiss1)))

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