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Why did it happen?

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Firstlovelost7 posted 7/11/2014 01:50 AM

It had now been one month since I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman he met at work.
My story:
I dated my husband since I was 15 years old. We were typical high school sweethearts, graduated together and were best friends. My husband works pipeline and since the age of 18 would work different jobs throughout our province. He was used to the constant change and we grew closer being away from one another at times. After 10 years of dating we finally got married last year.
This year marks our first anniversary. Even on our wedding day we had those initial first love feelings and it still felt "new" after all those years. My husband would drive home in the middle of the night from work just to see me for a day or two.
After we got married last year we right away starting to try for a baby. I had my career as a nurse and we bought a house the year prior and now that we were married I felt ready to start our family. One change for him was a new job close to home where he could be home every night. He works two weeks on and one off. Something we both seemed happy about because he has never really worked close to home ever. A month into our marriage I found out I was pregnant already. My husband seemed so excited he wanted to tell everyone right away. (This was just this past July). For the first few months I was nervous about being intimate out of fear and my husband seemed nervous as well. Once October came around my body felt better and we were intimate again more often (but still not as much as usual).
Throughout the rest of my pregnancy and even after our daughter was born my husband seemed to be closing himself off of me and his family. He wouldn't want to do the simple things we enjoyed anymore or barely talk about how I was feeling. December was the last time we were intimate on a Trip that we went to in Mexico. Looking back now that's when I notched the big changes in him. In January the fights started here and there mostly about why my husband wouldn't want to do the things we enjoyed together anymore, then we started to fight about sex. I would tell him my body feels good and even though I was pregnant I felt ok. I would cry sometimes often to try and get a response from him because I felt like we weren't close on an emotional level or an intimate level. He would usually brush me off and say "we will" do more things together I promise. Emotionally I felt disconnected because he used to really sit and listen to how I was feeling and at this time he didn't seem as interested. In February I was really getting concerned because on his weeks off we usually did chores and nothing that brought us together. I would cry and be upset and we were still not intimate since December. We tried once and he couldn't get it up.
I attributed my feelings to the pregnancy and convinced myself and even him that it was weird having sex while I was very pregnant. I kept thinking too my husband was ill or something was wrong because on every week off he would be "sick" and he was actually losing weight (likely from guilt my guess).
Another month rolled by and we fought a few more times which never seemed to resolve itself even when I would ask why we didn't do things or hang out with his family much. He had me basically convinced that our business wasn't his families and that we could do what we wNt and not to worry about them.
In march our daughter was born and for the first two months I didn't really even think of sex or focus on "us" much because the baby was my mAin focus and priority. Into her third month I felt ready again to have sex and to try and mKe time for us. I would ask why he didn't so nice things for me anymore and it ended up being a fight. He would say he does everything I ask (which he would but these being typical household chores). I would explain that I needed him to listen to me because I didn't feel like myself Nd I wanted to feel close to him and do things we used to enjoy. He would always seem to have an excuse. "The baby takes up a lot of time" or he would say he needed to do things for himself and every week off he would have. "Poker night" with his "work friends". I believed him.
Finally last month I felt so emotionally detached and we still weren't intimate. At one point I remember him saying directly when I suggested sex that he "couldn't". I kept trying to be supportive and asking him if he was stressed or if it was work or if he was ill. He was constantly in the bathroom too so I thought I justified a reason fir him to be sick. Finally this June 12 I found a watch that connects to his phone with multiple messages from a woman professing her love to my husband. I called him at work scared and afraid thinking this couldn't be true. He said yes he was cheating on me and that he started having sex with the woman about twice a week in January.
He said he met her 9 months ago. So probably two months after I found out we were expecting. I freaked on him on the phone and I took our child to my parents. He had come home, called me and said he was moving to a friends, packed his bags, left and said "our marriage is over, I fell out of love with you, we need a divorce." He said he wanted certain items in the house and that I couldn't keep our child from him. My husband also became very materialistic during his affair And would spend money constantly.
I was so hurt and betrayed and I am still in complete shock. How could he do this to me throughout my pregnancy?
He had me completely fooled because he would buy me gifts for our anniversary and when our daughter was born, he would continue to let my father work on our unfinished basement and I spent so much money on new furniture for our house during that time to make our house more a home. He said that he met the OW at work and she's a trailer cleaner working to pay off her schooling as a massage therapist. I'm so lost and have so many questions.
-why did this happen? Was it anxiety due to the baby that freaked him out? Was I not paying enough attention to him? Was it because he was seeing me every night now?
-did he not have sex with me to protect me while he was having sex with her! Or was it so he didn't feel as though he was cheating on the OW?
-my husbands family has made it clear this woman is never welcome around and that nobody wants her around our child. I got into his banking info and noticed that his first pack of cigarettes was bought right when I found out we we're expecting.when the affair started his money spending blew up and he starting smoking very very regularly and still is. He is still with the woman despite his family negative responses. Can this relationship last long if she is not welcome? Or if no one wants her around our child? How long can the fog last now?
I irrationally put our house up for sale and I am worried that there might be hope of saving our marriage. I have had no contact with my husband except a letter to him saying how is was feeling and that I may need legal advice Nd that I was not ready for a divorce and I still love him. Is there hope for our marriage? When his mother gave him the letter she said he finally showed some emotion and actually puked. He seemed to have no remorse, or guilt and almost still doesn't from what I hear. Is this normal?
I'm scared he is too emotionally invested because on his account there was jewelry bought which was not for me.
Everyone has told him that he can't expect this to last.
What do I do?
I'm afraid to wait now and see what do I move on? Should I seek legal advice yet?
I am terrified of the unknown. I have only ever known him! He was my soul mate or so I thought. Please help!

tfkeel posted 7/11/2014 07:04 AM

I'm afraid to wait now and see what do I move on? Should I seek legal advice yet?

Yes, you should seek legal advice. That doesn't mean you have to immediately move for divorce, only that you should know where you stand, exactly.

Cover the questions of your child, custody, property rights, etc.

Then there won't be "the unknown" which is instilling fear and immobilizing you.

And, don't allow yourself to "wait". Assume an ACTIVE role in your life and your child's life, not a reactive one. Don't let a wayward person make your decisions for you.

It is completely clear that your husband is not acting in consideration of your, or your child's, best interests here.

-why did this happen? Was it anxiety due to the baby that freaked him out? Was I not paying enough attention to him? Was it because he was seeing me every night now?

The unfortunate, and most difficult truth for us as BSs to grasp and hold onto, is that, basically,
we just don't matter to them.

It's not anything we did, not anything we didn't do. It's not situations of current life, contact, lack of contact.

They are selfish and self-interested. Bottom line, they are simply doing what THEY WANT to do.

-did he not have sex with me to protect me while he was having sex with her! Or was it so he didn't feel as though he was cheating on the OW?

Most likely, neither. An adulterer is self-absorbed, so it is likely not any consideration of "protecting" you.

He has no compunction about "cheating", so it is likely not that he had any feelings of infidelity toward his OW.

He was getting his sexual quota satisfied elsewhere, that's the only reason, most likely.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 7:14 AM, July 11th (Friday)]

OakStreet posted 7/11/2014 07:23 AM


I am so sorry this has happened to you. This should be a happy time with a new baby in the house.

You need to do A LOT of reading in The Healing Library (yellow box, upper left corner). Employ The 180, which is to help you feel stronger and detach from him.

Also, if you can, see a counselor. It sounds like you have family support, but a neutral party can be helpful for you.

This is a great forum for getting support from others who have been through this. Keep posting with questions and situations - we'll help you!

There is no need for you to make an immediate decision over your relationship with WH. Take your time because you will be going through a wide range of emotions - sadness, grief, anger, helplessness. But like tfkeel said:

Yes, you should seek legal advice. That doesn't mean you have to immediately move for divorce, only that you should know where you stand, exactly.

Sending you strength....

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/11/2014 07:46 AM

(((FirstLove))) Sorry that you are here. There are some great resources in the healing library and you can find a lot of support.

very gently---why this happened isn't the issue. You need to take care of yourself and your child. See an attorney ASAP so that you understand what your legal position is. Get tested for STIs so you can protect your health. Be kind to yourself. You've been hurt by the person you trusted most and it can take weeks for that to really sink in. You don't need to decide anything today other than what you need to do to feel safe. Drink lots of water and try to exercise if you can. We're here for you.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/11/2014 08:15 AM

It almost sounds as though he's one of those guys that can no longer look at their wives as a sexy, desirable woman once they get pregnant and give birth. Some guys completely lose all passion and attraction to their wives when they impregnate them - she just becomes a 'mother' figure to him, instead. That might explain his complete inability to have an erection with you (sorry, TMI) once you became pregnant and subsequently gave birth, FirstLoveLost7.

That may be the 'why' but it's not the important issue at hand.

You absolutely need to get to a lawyer ASAP. Any debt he racks up with his trailer-cleaning concubine will be considered half YOUR legal debt, so I'd get to a lawyer YESTERDAY to find out out to protect yourself and your child.

Also, just because this man-child couldn't step up to the plate as a responsible husband and father and has instead chosen to run away from home and back to his mommy, that doesn't mean that your daughter suddenly doesn't need formula or diapers or medical care or food or any of the other things a baby needs. Her needs don't CHANGE based on what he's got going on in his life. It's his responsibility - right along with yours - to see that she gets what she needs. If he wants to be an irresponsible dumbass, then that's on him, but it doesn't mean your daughter should suffer for his stupidity.


Good luck to you.

norabird posted 7/11/2014 09:16 AM

The 'why' is that he is irresponsible and a coward. The what to do now is much more important. Protect yourself, see a good family law attorney, and personally, I would recommend filing. It will protect your child and give you the ability to start distancing yourself and healing. He seems bent on throwing everything away. I'm so sorry. He has no idea what he is losing.

ageek1 posted 7/11/2014 10:48 AM

I am saddened to read your post. There is not a lot that can be said and we try to find answers to the "Why". Unfortunately sometimes there is no answer, or one that makes sense to US. The important thing is you have a wonderful child that needs your love and support and that should be your focus. It's not easy, but the other posts are right, seek legal counsel and be prepared. Good luck!

Firstlovelost7 posted 7/11/2014 11:01 AM

The issue I am really struggling with is that we NEVER had bad relationship over the course of 11 years. That's why I struggle to understand how he fell out of love. Which I believe occurred when he met the OW. And uses it as a reason. Also, if feel like he did this when I needed his support the most. It started soon after I got pregnant which leads me to think he was not ready. And this girl came along and boosted his ego.
Do people really fall in love with the OW? Or is it all fantasy.
I will seek legal advice, my worry is that do you believe this situation is inevitably going to lead us to divorce? Or is there any hope? It's hard for me not to hold on when he is all I have ever known.
What is the 180? And how do I detach?

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/11/2014 11:06 AM

It is hard but it's even more difficult to live with someone who doesn't respect you. Find out your rights in your state with an attorney. Knowledge is power. You're fight isn't with what's wrong with your spouse, but what you're going to do for yourself and your child and how to make it happen.

steppingup posted 7/11/2014 11:55 AM

We will never really know why people cheat, some have disorders, some are just horribly selfish, have ego and validation issues. For us who would never cheat and I have been searching for reasons why my wife cheated 14 years ago and I still dont have a clear answer that makes sense to me, because I would never do it.

Likewise you bubble was popped because the thought of cheating on your husband was never going to happen. We are in shock becasue the people we trusted the most are actually untrustworthy. You dont need untrustworty people in your life near your children just as we all dont. No, we dont deserve it.

Nobody will ever tell you what you want to hear so you can have an "ah-ha" moment then understand your husband, it will not happen in my opinion.

You have to decide what you are willing to tolerate in your life then do it.

Good for your family not to see her, she is a home wrecker and a validator of your husbands deciet and sin. Nobody wants time with a fool like that.

Yes it is all fantasy, look up "affair fog" it will try to describe it to you. They feel super human like in there new lust power...disgusting.

You are in a hard spot, glad you have your family for support. Hang in there, you will find great strenght soon. You will.

Many regards from California, Steppingup.

[This message edited by steppingup at 11:58 AM, July 11th (Friday)]

Uhtred posted 7/11/2014 12:19 PM

I'm very familiar with working on the road, pipelines, shutdowns, and chemical plant work with rig welders and pipe fitters. Infidelity is so common among this group it's not even funny. While I worked on the road I personally witnessed many men destroy their families because they thought they'd never be caught. It was always with some local hussy that hired on to clean the office trailers or excavation watchers. These women had one thing in mind and that was to get out of their Podunk town by any means possible.

All the other older ones were broken old men estranged from their children and divorced. The only thing they had to their name was a flat bed truck with a welding machine. I'm not telling you this to upset you but an telling you that more than likely this isn't the first time he's done this since he's done it already. There were a rare few such as myself but for the most part every man I knew was cheating on their wives.

It sounds like you've got a mess on your hands. You need to file for divorce first or at least find out what your rights are. Keep any and all documentation you can regarding his affair. You have to prepare for the worst because your husband is not remorseful and on a self destructive path. I'm not saying things can't turn around for you but please protect yourself and your child. Peace to you this day and all the days to come. This is a difficult thing to overcome but it can be done. We all here for you. You've already gotten good advice and it will keep coming. Keep posting and reading.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 7/11/2014 12:40 PM

You seem like a really sweet girl, and you have your whole life ahead of you with a beautiful girl. You do not need this heartless, selfish, cowardly man.

Please please please do not beat yourself up trying to figure out WHY he did this, if it was something you did or didn't do, or if it had to do with the baby. He did it because he wanted to. Because he is selfish and heartless and puts himself above anyone else.

You absolutely must get legal advise asap and file for a temporary order of support and temporary custody. Do not leave things in limbo, and trust him to pay for othings and do the right things with your child.

Without an order of support, he is well within his rights to basically take your child and leave with her and not give her back! You must protect you and your daughter.

I am so glad you have your family to support you.

As for his family, I would be wary of trusting them. Sometimes blood is thicker than water -- they could turn on your, he could tell them lies about you, they could come to like the OW. You just don't know. Im not saying you have to cut them out of your life, but don't show them your cards, don't tell them what you plan or what your legal strategy is.

Ultimately hon, he is just a selfish man. Sometimes people start out good and change. Sometimes they were bad all along and hid it. Just be glad you are finding out now while young and early in the marriage, and not 15 years down the road with 3 more kids!

The future is never certain, but one thing I can tell you with almost complete certainty: If you allow this man to stay in your life, if you try to "nice" him back to you or "love him" back to you, if you allow him to float back and forth between his skank and you, and come and go as he pleases -- he will NEVER CHANGE. He will keep that situation going indefinitely.

You must make a stand, cut him off, file for temporary support, (and possible file for divorce), and go NO CONTACT with him.

If there is any hope for him to change, he has to feel real consequences for his lying and cheating. Personally, I think he still wont ever change and you're better off without him, but either way, as hard as it is, you need to keep him out of the house and cut off communication and get legal protection.

Gotmegood posted 7/12/2014 10:01 AM

Firstlove- your opening post tells a lot about you. You are a strong, loyal, very smart person. Your instincts were so right on...something was very wrong, and you knew it. And because you are smart and reliable, you are trying so very hard to understand this mess so that you can fix this mess. I understand you. I understand that you love him and want him back. Here's the thing though; you CANNOT do this alone. You CANNOT fix him, in the same way that you DID NOT do anything to make this happen, including getting pregnant too soon. As hard as this is, you need to stop focusing on what is making him act like a sneaky, disloyal, lowlife rat. That my friend, is his job.
Your efforts right now need to be directed at protecting yourself financially. Of course, that is supposed to be his duty, but he is weak and deceitful right now. Seriously, lawyer up. Be the strong, bright woman your child deserves. I also emphatically agree w/ another poster that you should NOT enlist his family as your support system. At present they are rejecting the trailer cleaner; good on them, but do not expect that to continue or you will be hurt again. Your lawyer will set up your financial security as far as child support and separation of bills/debts that he may incur. Give him and the trailer cleaner a wake-up call....a dose of reality. Do that now. You want to make yourself more 'attractive' than the trailer cleaner? Be strong. Do not lower your standards. Be in survivor mode. I am so so sorry that this idiot broke your heart this way. Best luck, keep posting.

Firstlovelost7 posted 7/12/2014 11:10 AM

When does that feeling of love for the WH start to disappear?
And the feelings that you miss that person?
How long did it take others on here to detach themselves from their wayward spouses and actually move on?

Gotmegood posted 7/13/2014 10:17 AM

It happens very slowly I'm afraid. It happens sort of like a side benefit of attending to yourself. While you are gathering your knowledge about your legal rights, while you are protecting your health by ordering STD testing, while you are protecting your heart by using 180 as your guide, as you institute new exercise or other healthy endeavors for YOURSELF, your dependence and reliance on HIM slowly evaporates. Putting yourself first is healthy. He was supposed to be doing so, but chose not to. When you begin valuing yourself and your worth again it's a natural consequence that you move away from that which is injurious to your health and safety. I think that's how your healing will happen.

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