Is taken me 10 days to pluck up the courage to write this.
After having a talk about the A my emotions went out of control.
I completley lost it.
i started screaming that i hated my wh, he was a sick twisted man.
i would never love him again.EVER
He had ruined everything.
and then i hit him, i lashed out and slapped him not just once either.
As soon as i did, i hated myself for what i had done and the person i had become.
iam not a confrontational person, i hate arguing.
im a sulker at times, or mainly shrug it off and keep smiling.
I cried myself to sleep that night, in the morning i was so ashamed of how i behaved.
i have never hit anyone before, i dont know where it all came from.
I spoke to my husband and told him i was truly sorry for what i had done.
that no matter what i shouldnt have done it, because im better than that.
My husband just looked at me with tears running down his face, and said he would take that everyday for the rest of his life because he deserved it, and his actions/betrayal had caused it all.
This was a huge turning point for us both.
I NEVER want to lose control like that again, no i dont think he did deserve it.
it was so wrong on my part.
i dont want to behave like that because its not me or my way.
It helped us see we were talking so much, he was talking yet i wasnt really listening.
id ask questions yet not listen to the answer.
if it wasnt an answer i wanted id shout, get angry,pick it apart and twist it.
which as a man that struggles with emotions and talking he found frustrating, and draining.
Since this day we have talked calmly, if its too much we ask for time out.
mainly we listen to each other.
he talks more freely, by listening ive actually understood more answers.
my questions have lessened.i get angry but go for a walk and calm down
i found out about the A when i was 7months pregnant, i was calm and took it in my stride.
when our baby was born i had hope for the future.
i think this is why it all got so much, i didnt react how i wanted at the time.
i knew i had to think my baby first,and the feelings have festered unhealthily.
though it was right for me at the time.
I can see how much my wh is sorry he tells me everyday, hes nc since day he told me, full transparency, ic, and being the caring loving man he used to be or even a better version of himself.
im only 3 months from dday with long way to go.
i can see such big changes in wh, and though his a started in jan.
he was struggling with problems,stress,anxiety before then. he became selfish and self absorbed.
When something like an a blows your world apart you can see things differently.
I never knew how strong, suportive and loving i was.that i gave so much and never got much in return.
A has robbed me of beautiful times and memories and tainted many too.
I wont let it take anymore.
I do not ever want to behave or act that way again.
i do not condone it, but its made me see things differently.
it will keep hurting me, if i let it.
it will take fun, laughter, happiness away if i let it.
maybe just maybe things will be ok
and i can..
wORK LIKE I DONT NEED THE MONEY, DANCE LIKE NO ONES WATCHING AND MAYBE......LOVE LIKE IVE NEVER BEEN HURT..........TIME WILL TELL
Feeks good to get it out.