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littlemiss1 posted 7/11/2014 03:25 AM

Is taken me 10 days to pluck up the courage to write this.

After having a talk about the A my emotions went out of control.
I completley lost it.
i started screaming that i hated my wh, he was a sick twisted man.
i would never love him again.EVER
He had ruined everything.
and then i hit him, i lashed out and slapped him not just once either.

As soon as i did, i hated myself for what i had done and the person i had become.

iam not a confrontational person, i hate arguing.
im a sulker at times, or mainly shrug it off and keep smiling.

I cried myself to sleep that night, in the morning i was so ashamed of how i behaved.
i have never hit anyone before, i dont know where it all came from.
I spoke to my husband and told him i was truly sorry for what i had done.
that no matter what i shouldnt have done it, because im better than that.

My husband just looked at me with tears running down his face, and said he would take that everyday for the rest of his life because he deserved it, and his actions/betrayal had caused it all.

This was a huge turning point for us both.
I NEVER want to lose control like that again, no i dont think he did deserve it.
it was so wrong on my part.
i dont want to behave like that because its not me or my way.

It helped us see we were talking so much, he was talking yet i wasnt really listening.
id ask questions yet not listen to the answer.
if it wasnt an answer i wanted id shout, get angry,pick it apart and twist it.
which as a man that struggles with emotions and talking he found frustrating, and draining.

Since this day we have talked calmly, if its too much we ask for time out.
mainly we listen to each other.
he talks more freely, by listening ive actually understood more answers.
my questions have lessened.i get angry but go for a walk and calm down

i found out about the A when i was 7months pregnant, i was calm and took it in my stride.
when our baby was born i had hope for the future.
i think this is why it all got so much, i didnt react how i wanted at the time.
i knew i had to think my baby first,and the feelings have festered unhealthily.
though it was right for me at the time.

I can see how much my wh is sorry he tells me everyday, hes nc since day he told me, full transparency, ic, and being the caring loving man he used to be or even a better version of himself.

im only 3 months from dday with long way to go.

i can see such big changes in wh, and though his a started in jan.
he was struggling with problems,stress,anxiety before then. he became selfish and self absorbed.
When something like an a blows your world apart you can see things differently.

I never knew how strong, suportive and loving i was.that i gave so much and never got much in return.
A has robbed me of beautiful times and memories and tainted many too.
I wont let it take anymore.

I do not ever want to behave or act that way again.
i do not condone it, but its made me see things differently.

it will keep hurting me, if i let it.
it will take fun, laughter, happiness away if i let it.

maybe just maybe things will be ok
and i can..


Feeks good to get it out.

tl502 posted 7/11/2014 10:38 AM

Little miss, read your bio, our situations are very similar. My h confessed when the guilt got to him as well. He suffered from depression off and on for years. I think that both led him toward the a's as well as being a side effect.
I think that a remorseful, patient fws is the strongest indicator for the success of r. It takes time and the hormones and sleepless postpartum period you're probably going through are probably not helping you out any.
I'm glad that he is forgiving about the slapping, also really glad you realize that it was wrong. It's never ok to hit, but I'm willing to bet that every bs has felt like doing it throughout this process.
You've done what you can to make amends, that's all you can do. Be patient with the process, take care of yourself and your kids. Let your h take care of you as well, assuming your considering r, it's his most important job right now. Probably forever, if he's lucky.

tonic0405 posted 7/11/2014 10:48 AM

Hugs to you. Please remember to not be so hard on yourself. 3 months out is a very short time away from the nuke that landed on your marriage and on you. Be gentle with yourself when you are blindsided by the pain and anger. It will creep up on you even on the best days. We learn to cope and to put it out of our minds. I struggle with this and I am 10 months out.

littlemiss1 posted 7/11/2014 10:51 AM

I've searched this forum to see if anyone had similar experience .
I mentioned depression and anxiety and most thought I/he was using it as an excuse.
I wasn't it's wrong to cheat no matter what and hurts like hell .
however I do know my husband has been very ill,depression had made him very cold and mean
Something that he had never been before.
After talking he's opened up about how much he's struggled over the last two years.

Also the side effect of a made him a he'll of a l ot worse.

Comforting to know there is another out there who understands.

Thank you

sunvalley posted 7/11/2014 19:31 PM

littlemiss - It's good that you recognize how you want to change the behavior, it's not a healthy one and as much as our WS have caused us pain, violence is never the answer. I have been there too, where I was dealing with the rage/anger wrong because I had never been one to deal with heavy emotions before and I had NO idea how to get them out healthily. Don't beat yourself up too much either, because your self esteem has likely taken so many blows from all of this as it stands, just make sure you find healthier ways to express your anger going forward.

I just wanted to comment on the other part of your post because I can relate. Depression and anxiety are not an excuse, it's just part of his 'why'...yes there are depressed people who don't cheat, but there are ones who do...low self esteem and ego boosting are often listed as parts of the 'why' and those often stem from depression issues as're not alone. My H was depressed and suicidal as well. He felt like a lowlife and he made himself one. He wished he was dead and having the As made him feel as close to death as he could get without having to actually do it....he never enjoyed these people or the double life he was leading, it was more of a sense of self punishment and loathing in his case. He went on 'personality altering' medications about 6wks before the As...this is no excuse for his behavior, but I also believe it could be part of the complex puzzle of his why and no one should tell you's not an excuse, it's a part of the puzzle.

Skan posted 7/12/2014 15:04 PM

My FWH was clinically depressed for years before he actually had his ONS. He had used porn for years as an escape, and while his depression certainly did contribute to him going down that slope into escalating sexual acting out, it did not cause it. He chose to do that. He chose to ignore me asking, repeatedly, for him to see a doctor. He chose to not see a doctor himself even when he knew that he was going down that slope. All of these stops on the porno-express were choices that he made, depression or not. Yes the depression contributed, but he was thrown several liferings and he chose to ignore them or to swim away. It wasn't until DDay, when I was ready to walk, that he chose to actually DO something about his depression.

I hope that he's seeking treatment and is seeing an IC regularly. I know that doing those two things were immensely helpful to my FWH and to our recovery. I'm glad that you've taken a good, hard look at your striking out at him and have backed away from there. I utterly understand, I really do. (((hugs)))

littlemiss1 posted 7/25/2014 12:41 PM

Thanks for your posts.

Few days on from my posts.
We have argued but not like that again.

We both needed to really listen to what was being said.

I really do believe it's a piece of the why.
His anxiety consumes him he's always emotionally drained.
The sad part is his anxiety made him forget the bigger picture.
Worried about work all the time he forgot about me.
Now it's all in the open he's petrified I'm going to lea e.

He cries daily about what he's done.
He's low and so sorry.
I know he wouldn't cope well if I left.
It's m not why I stay, but it's helping to see how pained he is by the actions and decisions he made .

He's jumping through hoops for me.
His biggest fear now is that I'll go, it's tough to reassure someone when I'm hurting so much.

notanavrageangel posted 8/5/2014 15:04 PM


I can relate too. My WH has anxiety, and a very deep dislike for himself. He recently discovered in IC that because he was always reminded of his failures growing up (and still continually from his family) that subconciously he sabotages himself because he feels like failing on purpose is less painful than trying and failing. He thought this way in our M too, that he didn't deserve me and that he was failing at being a provider for our family, so what was the difference if he just kept messing everything up. It's sad to know that he was feeling so badly about himself. The too main feelings he identified having before the affair started was "disappointment" and "low self esteem" although his list also included "non-provider" "excuses" "others expectations" "lazy" and "guilt" to name a few. I had no idea he felt all of these things, because he kept that part from me and created this illusion of a very confident man. It's hard knowing what he has done, and that by sabotaging himself, I am the biggest casualty. He and I have had some of the deepest conversations we have ever had specifically in the past 5 days, and I feel like healing is beginning for us both, although it will be a long journey. I know I have a truly remorseful WH, and I hope your journey continues positively. Keep posting.

LumpyLola posted 8/5/2014 15:52 PM

I'm sorry you feel so bad about losing it, but please don't get down on yourself because of it.

The experts say that's a normal part of being saddled with extreme emotional trauma, that sometimes we have to vent it physically in order to relieve some of the pressure.

The fact that your husband didn't lash back physically is a good sign. I took a swing at my H just before he packed up n left, and he swung right back at me. What a gentleman.

Hang in there.

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