But, I obviously thought she cared for my family, that she would protect my family, and I certainly did hers.
And this what I think is why I have it "easier" without the double betrayal.
7 kids have been hurt by the affair that is a part of our life now. I don't think I am minimizing when I say I have it "easier" because my wife did not know his kids, nor did he know ours....that our familys knew nothing of each other prior to their choices.
A trigger for me was our family dog.....they walked with her in the park 1 block from our house. He snuggled and played with her. It is extremely painful to think about even 2 years out. And that is how I feel about a DOG!
A thought.......
Flip side of this.......how painful is this for the wayward to have to face? In your sitch Hatemyhusband, your husband must deal with the fact that he destroyed a family he bonded with too. Or maybe better said....the fact remains he helped the OW destroy parts of his family and he knows that at some level, whether he finds the courage to face and own that fact in its intirety is up to him. But the pain of his choices is within him NOW....he may turn a blind eye to it, but pain is within him. Like playing hide and seek with a baby...the baby puts a napkin over his face and thinks he's hidden! I know it was his choice...but the fact must be he is struggling hard with this pain too....consciously or subconciously. More so than a wayward who never really "knew" the other family.....right?
Yes, I know my wife knew he had 5 kids...OM knew my wife had 2 daughters. (their physical affair would start after dropping respective kids off at school and stop after picking them up) But there is a very big difference between "knowing of" and "knowing them".
ugh........
Pain all around.
I don't know if it helps....but this pain that you are feeling? The painful fact that even innocent children where no match for temptation and sinful desire? It was helpful in IC for me to own the truth that my wife and the OM never shared love for each other...if they had they would not have been so eager to help each other destroy so much, including parts of themselves.
My wife not knowing his wife or his kids, him not knowing our girls or me....would actually make adultery easier for them. "Kids are resilient" would be an easier thought for them since the kids remain "surface level" in identity. This would help the wayward in this sitch as they thought thoughts such as "This is my soul mate...wouldn't it be better to be married to him and model this relationship for my girls than the dreadful, dead one I am stuck in with my original man?"
The ADDED "deterrent" in your sitch, hatemyhusband, of both waywards intimately knowing all affected was not even strong enough to get your husband to find the courage to search out his "whys" as to his own thoughts, feelings and actions.
It is quite the opposite of him thinking "she is all that and a bag of popcorn".....quite the contrary, IMO. His brokenness and pain is so tremendous that he actually sacrificied MORE to get his "fix" than I did. OW is NOT a factor in your husbands choice to commit adultery. She was available...end of story.
REMEMBER: Adultery is first and foremost sin. Sin, by its nature, is singularly selfish. Even if done in group settings.....it comes down to personal choice as to how they feed their personal desires. The first lie that is told for sin to be chosen is one the person choosing to sin tells themselves. I know....I am "that guy".
Please please please keep that thought present in your mind. I could see the temptation to think really bad, untrue thoughts in your sitch....believe her egg salad was better than yours and thats why your husband choose her over you. It is NOT THAT WAY. He choose as he did because of how he was coping with life....not out of a choice to love the OW.
This painful fact also helped me own that nothing I could have done would have deterred my wife from harvesting the fruit she was so intent on growing. Couldn't have chose to love her better, more sex, nicer car, date nights, fun, excitment.....nothing could have deterred her from her path outside of something from within her.
This is one of the reasons it is so critical for a WS to aggresively search for and work through all of their "whys". If they are interested in accepting R, it is equally important to share that journey with their BS. It appears most waywards cope with life by concealing and hiding from it. The fact that they were able to do so all the way into adultery speaks to just how much of a challenge they have laid before them.
I pray Mr. Hatemyhusband is sharing his journey with you.
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:45 AM, July 11th (Friday)]