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Hope I'm not making a mistake

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katiescarlett posted 7/11/2014 09:05 AM

Hi, I'm new to the R forum. My D-day was just 2 days ago when I busted WH with a keylogger soliciting men for oral sex.

This is not the first D-day that I've had but it is the first one where I didn't "rugsweep". I called a divorce attorney and planned on meeting with them today but have since cancelled.

My WH and I went to an emergency MC session yesterday, our first one ever. He agreed to all of the terms counselor and I set for him. No internet until after the boys go to bed and I must be with him, no shopping on his own, no giving rides to co-workers, and NO porn.

I do think WH is remorseful. He's no longer claiming that it wasn't cheating and blaming it on me. He blames himself and does believe he has an addiction and is hoping the MC will help him. Hopefully we truly R this time.

unfound posted 7/11/2014 11:54 AM

great that he's on board with MC. now he's going to have to back up those words with actions.

while MC will (hopefully) help, he needs to really get to the root of his behavior. A qualified IC can help him with this. this is, imo, key to him really changing. you can't heal a M unless you have two healthy people working at it.

I hope this is the start of some real healing for the two of you.

[This message edited by unfound at 11:55 AM, July 11th (Friday)]

Rebreather posted 7/11/2014 12:04 PM

I think canceling the attorney is a mistake.

Your husband has some serious issues, and agreeing to these boundaries is a good step, but only one of many in a long, long battle.

You have a series of knock out blows and that can be hard to handle. Are you in IC? I would consider, very seriously, working the 180 for awhile. This isn't about your marriage. This is about YOU and what you need to live a happy life, and about HIM and what he is going to do to fix himself. MC isn't going to do that for him. He needs to be evaluated by a sex addiction specialist and enter serious, hardcore therapy.

I encourage you to focus on yourself. He needs to work this process for HIMSELF.

confused615 posted 7/12/2014 15:18 PM

Is your husband in IC?

Why was he looking for men to give/receive oral sex?

This is something he really needs to figure out. Until he does, he isn't a safe person for you.

Straight men don't look to have sex with other men.

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