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cvs2kkids posted 7/11/2014 11:14 AM

We've been doing IHS for a couple of months now, but STBXWW is finishing up her job this week-end and then moving 90 miles away on Monday. We've been playing nice, but I'll be glad she goes so I can make NC work better.

Yesterday, she and my DD15 had a girls day, which included her buying groceries for the kids and I. But then they went to go do some other stuff, and ended up staying unannounced away all night.

I knew what city they were in, and am 90% certain they went to OM. Really pissed but not much I can do. DD and I will be alone tonight. Should I pty her for any info or just let it drop?

devistatedmom posted 7/11/2014 11:19 AM

Is your child going to stay with you when your wife moves away?

I think that would make a difference on how I handled it. For the most part, I would let it go, but if your DD is staying with you I would send an email, after your XW has left, to say that in the future, if she is taking your DD away overnight, you are to be informed of where she will be staying and with who.

SBB posted 7/11/2014 11:24 AM

Do you have a NO new partners for X time clause in your agreement? Or a no overnights?

Do you think your DD met or spent time with OM? This is something I would want to know but I would be hesitant about grilling her about it. Then again I wouldn't want my girls to keep secrets from me either whether or their own volition or at their dad's urging.

Unless you have it in your agreement then there is nothing you can do. I would be more concerned about DD keeping secrets (if you think she saw him and didn't tell you).

If you are asking because you want to know about STBXWWs movements I would not ask as it is no longer your business. Your daughter is - STBXWW is not.

nekorb posted 7/11/2014 23:52 PM

If you want to know you need to ask STBXWW, not your DD.

Don't put her in the position of feeling like she is "reporting" to you about her mom.

Ashland13 posted 7/12/2014 19:50 PM

In the "agreement" here there is also a bullet or area of language that says if either parent takes kids anywhere for x amount of time that they need to give the other parent the phone numbers, address and even names of who is there.

It's so hard but if you can, I agree with the post that says don't press DD. ETA that I've heard of some people who have gotten in trouble for this and it also can make a kid feel pretty weird.

What I learned is that at certain times of day, like when we go on our walk, DD here opens up and gets chatty. I used to hate her talking about OW but now I let her a little and have learned some really interesting things. Then I redirect the conversation if she starts to gossip or it gets to triggers.

And bringing it up to x may get you song and dance or run around, come to think of it, like here it is pointless, so it may be good for the lawyer pile.

I know how you feel, btw. Perv is trying repeatedly to get me to let my kids stay with Ow when he isn't "home" at the Lurveshack at all. He told me if I meet her, she won't be a stranger. (?) It was the first time in my whole life I ever said the f word to the guy when his back went out the door.

ETA I saw the end of your post and am sorry for the holiday dday. It was the same time of year here too.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 7:53 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

cvs2kkids posted 7/17/2014 10:49 AM

Thanks for all your advice.

She has opened up to me some, to confirm my fears, but I don't make a fuss out of it.

I'm lucky, she's pretty open with her brother (DS 20) and he alerts me of any issues that I should be aware.

The problem is, STXWW lies about everything now, and is asking DD 15 to cover for her.

I've explained to DD that neither of us should ever ask that, and if we are, we're probably doing something we shouldn't.

One thing she told me, her mom isn't so taken with the AP anymore cause he's on the phone constantly and deleting messages (imagine that ).

IrishGirlVA posted 7/17/2014 12:36 PM

her mom isn't so taken with the AP anymore cause he's on the phone constantly and deleting messages

Oh Karma, how I love thee!

Acer0112 posted 7/17/2014 12:41 PM

Sounds like you handled this well.

I have been tempted - and have acted - several times to ask what happened, where did they go, or if they overhear WH talking on phone or to relatives and have questions - just the simple facts. I'm restraining my curiosity more.

The kids therapist reminded me to hold my questions, to not make the kids feel like they have to tell me things, to not put them in an awkward situation. If they willingly provide information, then I am grateful.

Your DD sounds like an amazing young lady, you are very lucky to have your kids feel comfortable talking with you. I hope mine continue as well (11, 13).

ShiningAutumn8 posted 7/17/2014 14:26 PM

Exposing your child to your AP for an overnight visit no less is really frowned upon by judges where I live (conservative South). Its often grounds to get custody changed.

It is extremely upsetting to children to see their parent's with a new BF or GF -- and the fact you two are still married and in the same house just shows complete disregard by your WW for your DD's feelings.

Id do all I could to put a stop to this.

But no I wouldn't question DD, unless you could just casually say "So where'd y'all go last night?" and see if she opens up

cvs2kkids posted 7/18/2014 11:04 AM

Exposing your child to your AP for an overnight visit no less is really frowned upon by judges where I live (conservative South). Its often grounds to get custody changed.

The problem for me is we have a fairly loosely worded SA. Our DD is 15, and in our system, the kids have a lot of say in whom they choose to live with. She hasn't been with her mother since the night they stayed with OM (and talk about affairing down!!)and doesn't want to go back till STXWW get's her own place, which she is.

DD seeing her mom for what she's become, and that bothers me most. Never any winners when kids realize they're not priority #1 to one of their parents anymore.

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