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Newest Member: Turtlemode (46041)

User Topic: Advice when divorce is still a ways off
Chinadoll30
♀ 43131
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am starting nursing school with 3 young kids. For that reason, I will not file for divorce yet. It is expensive in PA, and I need to focus on school. So the earliest I will file is December 2015. I know a lot of you will tell me not to wait, but I have to. There is a small chance of R, also, so I am not making any decisions today. But, I want to prepare for that eventuality. What advice would you give? Besides "don't wait". I already have an account in just my name. He alone uses our joint account. There is one credit card that holds most of the debt in my name, though he is an authorized user. House is in both names, each car in only our own names. I know no one can give legal advice, per se, I just want to know if there should be steps I can take NOW in case it comes to D.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 343 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a member here who did not divorce right away for similar reasons. She might have some good ideas.

Her user name is cmego.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5947 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's me! Thanks, Care

Yes, we S January of 2011 and the D was just final last month. It was for purely financial reasons as ex is gay...and I would never have R'd with him.

Here is what I did...ex moved into an apartment and I stayed in the marital house with the kids for the first 6 months. At first, he came over every night and I put a stop to that because it was just an invitation for pain. I started the visitation schedule.

1. Sold my expensive car and bought cheaper one.
2. Separated all finances.
3. Started separation proceedings by negotiating a PSA (Property Settlement Agreement). This took us several months to complete because...well...he is an ass. It is the paperwork that turns into the divorce decree later (for Virginia). You can create this an abide by it, but if you decide to R, it can simply be torn up.
4. I decided to move closer to family, so then bought a new house (ex was the co-signer).
5. Started school.

We lived completely separate lives.

He was with AP, and after 6 months I moved with the kids 1.5 hours away and bought a new house. But, it just made financial sense to remain married as COBRA is $600 per month and if we were married, my health insurance was free. Plus, ex makes a ton of money and our taxes are cheaper as married. I will carry the majority of the tax burden now.

Also, we revised our PSA at about year 1 because I decided to pursue a Master's Degree and he allowed my spousal support to be extended, and I gave up some of his bonus money and in turn he agreed to pay COBRA cost. In other words, we continued to negotiate the money.

A few months ago I sold the house that was in "his name too" and bought a new one with my name only. Having 3 years of spousal support as "income" allowed me to qualify. So, we are now completely financially separate. On the original "marital home", he had a "quit claim deed" completed to remove my name from the deed, and had verbiage added to the PSA showing I have no financial responsibility for that house (now a rental property).

3 years later I finally pushed the D through.

The biggest thing was that we lived separate lives. I didn't count on him to do anything with the kids, the upkeep of the house, anything. I learned to live completely on my own and took care of everything (not that it was much different...), but begin a true single mom was an adjustment. I have primary custody (he only sees them e/o weekend).

Like everything, just take it one step at a time. It helped me to prioritize everything and tackle one at a time!


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4284 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 3

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