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Holy shit, I was emotionally abused.

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Pass posted 7/11/2014 12:43 PM

Okay, sorry to be posting so much lately: I've had some realizations, and done some research.

I know that some of you have mentioned in the past that The Princess emotionally abused me. I eventually stopped doubting you, but thought it basically amounted to "she was a bitch". I just found this blog called "shrink4men", and read these three articles.

How Abusive Women Brainwash You:

Abusive Women, Cults, Brainwashing and Deprogramming - Part 1:

Abusive Women, Cults, Brainwashing and Deprogramming - Part 2:

This is some powerful shit - and probably doesn't just apply to men. Especially when I was reading Part 2, it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I really was emotionally abused. I've been a victim of emotional abuse. The list of things in Part 2? She did all of them to me. Fucking all of them.

And it was all working toward the crowning achievement: A Sense of Dread. That's why I often felt like I was tiptoeing around her moods. I lived in fear of her raging at me, belittling me, denying me affection, or - the one I feared the most - ignoring me as if I didn't exist. Our marriage was a textbook case.

She wasn't just a bitch. She was abusive.

I don't even know what to do with this knowledge. I'm just fucking stunned at the realization.

As one of my buddies once told me, she really did do me a favour by getting caught cheating, making it unbearable for me to stay married to her. I was finally able to leave, and start rebuilding myself.

I would like to encourage y'all to read these articles. It hit me like a fucking lightning bolt.

[This message edited by Pass at 12:45 PM, July 11th, 2014 (Friday)]

momof1girl posted 7/11/2014 12:50 PM

I realized a while ago that I was emotionally abused. What's sad is that I still love him. I guess when you marry your first old habits are hard to break, right? I love how he tells me I deserve better than him because really, isn't that just another abusive tactic?

Kajem posted 7/11/2014 13:02 PM

Light bulb moments are awesome!!! Keep digging Pass, there are more light bulbs to find.

I was going to ask you to send it to my XH (anonymously of course) Then I thought about it, he's living what he put me thru for 18 years. To be fair - can you send it to him in about 8 years? 😊 I hate that he is a poor example of a male role model to my girls.

It sucks deprogramming, those damn light bulbs have a way of shining light in the darkest of corners. Keep up the good work. It helps.


h0peless posted 7/11/2014 13:18 PM

I read through that and it described my relationship with the ex to a "T" as well. I imagine a large majority of us, male and female, can relate. The hard part is undoing all of that programming.

thebighurt posted 7/11/2014 13:31 PM

I had that realization as well. My friends who know psychology told me xpos was controlling. My IC told me he was also mentally, verbally and emotionally abusive. Hold on; sadly there might be more. My IC also had two more shocking reveals for me. Totally blew me away! And the princess sounds as if she could be his match.

nekorb posted 7/11/2014 14:01 PM

I've been told I have been/am being emotionally abused by WH. I often wondered if he feels the same way about me. I was happy to read that first article, as I didn't do those things to WH!

Overall for me, those traits in the articles were akin to the treatment I received in the religious wack-job fundamentalist cult I had the misfortune of becoming involved with.

My WH wasn't overtly mean - just blaming, unable to work on his own issues, and now just blatant disregard for what I or, more importantly, the children need. he doesn't give a shit if what he is doing upsets ME....doesn't seem to care if it upsets the kids either.

it's sad.

Good job Pass. Just sit with that info for awhile. It takes a bit to get it integrated into your mind in any way, shape, or form.

SBB posted 7/11/2014 14:42 PM

Yah - I didn't enjoy that particular lightbulb moment.

Sit with this for a little while. You may hit another angry phase. It is pretty overwhelming.

I was OK with the cheating being called abuse but I struggled with the rest.

I hated saying it. I hated that it was only able to go on for so long WITH my participation. If you knew me IRL you would find this difficult to believe. Friends have struggled to understand - if you asked them who out of everyone they know would absolutely NOT tolerate abuse virtually all of them would name me.

When my eldest was a year old I reached breaking point in my M. I can't even remember what started it but I was trying to talk to him about something (he had been 'working' extended hours for about 18m at this point) - and it was important. I had psyched myself up to talk to him about it and I was standing there like fucking Oliver asking "Please sir, I want some more" and he was looking at the TV behind me. I asked him to give me 2 mins please. THEN he rolled his eyes at me. I was doing it all wrong, why couldn't I decide this without him etc.

I snapped quietly and told him I was DONE. I want out of this M. Then I said abuse out loud for the first time - it just came out. This is flat out abuse. He laughed out loud. He mocked me. I can still hear his shrill "Abuse? ABUSE? Are you fucking kidding me???". And laughter. Ha!! That's hilarious!!

Then realised I was serious - told me to think about our baby, blah blah blah. The love bombing resumed. 3 years later almost to the day was DD.

I was relieved I didn't have to accept that I was being abused. My ego couldn't take it. I was NOT that girl. No fucking way. Rugsweep. Rugsweep. Rugsweep. How fucked up IS that?

During False R he admitted that yes, it was abuse. In case you're wondering he is back to denying it again. I abused and used him is the current story. Lucky Whaura was able to rescue him, eh? His very own Whore in Tinfoil.

I'm nodding my head through most of those links. There are a few female-centric things there that he didn't do but lots would apply to any abuser,

"Putting you in no-win situations" - I can't tell you how often I told him he was setting me up to fail. I had to tell my husband he was not my dad many times. Example: He came home late one night pissed as a newt falling over drunk with a big bag of raw seafood. "YOU are going to cook this. I'm sick of cooking all the time! ". I didn't cook. I never had. 'FINE. I'll help you.' he says. While we were cooking (TENSE CITY) he gave me some obscure instruction and when I asked for clarification he blew up at me. I told I wasn't doing this and went to bed. He threw the lot in the bin. The next morning he claimed amnesia and didn't remember what he did.

"Criticizing everything you do." - I have the worlds loudest clap. I've always had it. Even if I hit softly it is still a clanger. After 5 years together he waits until I gave birth to our first child to tell me the tone of it was grating, hideous, an offence to his ears. This was/is not untrue but he said it to hurt me. I was stunned. An hurt. I thought it was unique and kind of hilarious. My little girl has the same clap - we have clap offs together. It's so nice to share a trait. Fuck him - I hope his ears bleed every time she claps.

FTGs. Fuck them all to hell. I'm astonished at how hard I held on to a shit M with a shit person. Cheating aside the guy under that mask just wasn't worth it.

[This message edited by SBB at 2:50 PM, July 11th (Friday)]

Pass posted 7/11/2014 15:31 PM

Thanks, guys. I've made a lot of realizations along the way, and this one has just kicked me in the nuts. Those articles read like a god damn checklist for me.

Momof1girl, The Princess also used to tell me once in a while that I deserved better than her. Of course, I denied it vehemently every time - even if I was pissed off at her.

One of her favourite tricks was just ignoring me, or giving me frosty glares. Then I'd get frantic, worrying that she was falling out of love with me, or had suddenly noticed what a loser I was.

Or her most recent thing in the last year we were together: She would tell me about how one of her friends' husbands was being an arsehole, "so I just told her she should divorce him. She shouldn't have to put up with that kind of shit from any man. She could easily meet someone else." Once again, this made me frantic every time.

Fuck me gently, I don't know how I put up with this for so long. I can't even describe how much I hate her now. I just want to cry about it, but she's dropping off my little boys in a few minutes, and by the fucking jesus, I'm going to look strong and unaffected when I have to see her.

I've gotten much better at looking like there is no effect when I see her. Now I just have to work on making it true.

Ashland13 posted 7/11/2014 20:03 PM

Pass, that's the NPD! You nailed it! Yay!

Sorry for the over excitement, but you're in a similar place as I am. After a counselor said such things to me about Perv, I had to think and really look back.

The glaring...oh yes. IMO that's the passive aggression rearing it's ugly head.

Sorry. I tend to be a labeller but it gives me the ability to look things up, like you're doing and read the hell (there, I swore) out of a topic. Sometimes it helps to see maybe it "wasn't me".

It does work both ways-with women and men-another angle on it is withholding affection, which was done to me.

It's all familiar and I'm sorry you had to go through it. The egg shells are mega hard and I wish now were more of a red flag for me, but the blinders were very thick.

Bravo, Pass.

Pass posted 7/11/2014 20:20 PM

Thanks, Ash.

And you know that I'm proud of you for cussing, right? Way to rock that 'H' word!

Pass posted 7/11/2014 20:32 PM

Kind of a funny moment when she dropped my boys here. As they were pulling the stuff from the trunk of the car, she said to me, "So I'll call on Tuesday or Wednesday."

Me: "Um, why would you do that?"

Her (angrily): "To talk to the boys!"

Me: "Oh right! Couldn't even imagine."

Two things about that:

1. I really was puzzled about why she would call. I wasn't trying to piss her off.

2. It didn't bother me that she was pissed off. I actually found it kind of funny.

Maybe there's progress?

stronger08 posted 7/11/2014 21:42 PM

I was too. It kinda goes with the territory of being a BS. I also found out in therapy that I was a victim of physical and verbal abuse as well. My XW always had a hand problem, but because I was a guy I never thought I was abused. I was never beaten or anything like that.
But she liked to throw her hands around whenever she did not get her way. It took me a while to accept that fact, but it was the truth. Its funny cause one of the lies she was telling about the demise of the M was that I was abusive. The dangerous part of this was the fact my XW is a very convincing liar.

idontknowwhy5 posted 7/12/2014 19:47 PM

I've been a frog in a slowly heating pot for a while now, but I only just recently realized it...

So many of the behaviors in the first post click. I don't know when I turned into such a pushover.

Nature_Girl posted 7/12/2014 21:11 PM

It is a very, very bitter pill to swallow when you finally accept the fact that you were abused. It puts all kinds of new labels into your reality, all kinds of new explanations into your view, and if you're wise you'll sort through them all and see what settles out as your truth.

peridot posted 7/12/2014 22:26 PM

I knew I was in a physically abusive relationship. I didn't realize it was also emotional abuse until everyone on here said something. It wasn't until he walked out and I was away from him for awhile, that I seen it for myself.

badmedicine posted 7/12/2014 22:54 PM

I think if you didn't look at the boobs then it's progress!!

Seriously, I think it's great that you are seeking and open to these kinds of revelations. For me this is causes pain and doubt to resurface and it's exhausting. My WH was a little more subtle but still managed to diminish my self confidence and strength over the years while getting me to love him more and continue to sacrifice myself and my needs for his. Makes me shudder sometimes. Other times I still want to do it. Thanks for posting and for being honest with yourself!

HurtingandLost posted 7/12/2014 23:06 PM

I realized that a couple years ago but kept coming back for more as she dangled the carrot of empty promises. So at this point I know I'm just as much to blame for the past 4 years since her affair. I looked on the links provided and the info is spot on. Hope this thread keeps going.

Pass posted 7/12/2014 23:18 PM

Thanks for speaking up, y'all. When I discovered her cheating I was surprised this could happen in such a "perfect" relationship. And now these new discoveries keep coming and shattering the perfection.

This newest revelation really knocked me on my arse. It means a lot to hear from others.

Pass posted 7/12/2014 23:20 PM

And as I tend to do, I want to read more about it, to try to help myself along between sessions with my shrink. Any book suggestions?

Nature_Girl posted 7/12/2014 23:38 PM

If you haven't yet, read Codependent No More and The New Codependent by Melody Beattie. An abuse survivor is often a codependent in desperate need of a change in thinking.

The Inner Child Workbook will help you sort through your family of origin to see how events, experiences & family attitudes shaped you for an abusive marriage. Be prepared that as you gain mental strength & clarity on this subject your family of origin might not appreciate you stepping out of the role they assigned you.

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