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EA with a Lesbian

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AprilFoolsDDAY posted 7/11/2014 16:12 PM

Ever since April 1 I've been on this site and have to say it has saved me and probably may marriage...

Briefly, I've been married 17 years with 2 children. My wife and I have always had a good relationship with the normal ebbs and flows, with one exception, sex. After the birth of our children our sex life dwindled to almost non-existence for nearly a year. She said she wasnt comfortable with her body, she was always tired at night, she was depressed, etc.

About 18 months ago I started IC with the intent on making myself a better person. Along the way I re-trained myself into treating my wife like I did when we dated. And viewed her that way. Over time, our sexuality began to blossom. At first it was twice a month, then four times, then maybe six. Over the course of last year we became very close once again.

She also started working out two years ago with a lesbian trainer.

In March I noticed she had rented a racy European Lesbian film and watched it several times. I also noticed she had been texting her trainer more often than in the past. I ended up asking her about the videos and her frequent texts with the OW. Just like everyone on here, she maintained they were just friends and that the OW was different than her other friends (no kids, no school talk, husbands, etc) and she enjoyed talking to her. She said the movie was something she watched that helped her get in the mood with me and that she's alway had the lesbian "fantasy." (And yes, when in our twenties we did watch porn together and she preferred the lesbian scenes as they were tender, etc).

I bought her story although my gut knew something was up. Maybe it was because our sexuality had been returning. Or maybe it was because I was happy to see her re-opening up in terms of her fantasies, that I overlooked the on-coming train.

Finally DDay. She returned from a trip out of town with our daughter and I read through her texts on her Ipad (her phone was clean). For some reason though, there was one passage to the OW on the Ipad that had been deleted from her phone "I'm sitting here deleting texts and crying because I can never have you."

I confronted her directly. She confessed to the EA. I was shaky, but calm. I asked and re-asked. I got a little bit of TT early on, but was able to piece together the whole timeline.

The good news is that I own a business and was able to basically be out of the office that entire week. We spent hours talking, crying, and discussing our marriage, her infidelity, the ramifications of her actions, etc.

I found this site on DDay and it has been a godsend. I started an abbreviated 180 (showing little care toward her). I spoke in finality about the marriage. I asked her where she was going to live when we sold the house. NC letter was immediate. I also found a link with a letter to the WS and what to expect from the BS that let her know where I was emotionally.

We also went to MC while she started IC (and I continued).

Over the course of a month, we spent more time openly discussing the marriage, her needs, mine, and how we ended up in this situation.

The short version is she was still lonely in our marriage and she latched on to her fantasy. She got trapped in the fog and became enticed by every text, every ego-kibble, etc. When I asked her she wasnt ready to leave the fog, so she lied.

In IC, she learned that while our marriage was somewhat lacking in terms of intimacy, her underlying issue was the need to seek conditional love (stemming from her mother). Through IC's help, she has now confronted her mother and is dealing with issues that make her self-sabotage.

Tomorrow is our 17th wedding anniversary. And I can honestly say that without my own IC prior to this event, and the advice on this site, I would have walked.

Instead, we are closer than ever. Different, but closer. Everything is open - phones, ipads, who she speaks with, her fantasies (now back in fantasy land with me included). We call this our new book (not just a new chapter but an entire book as we're different).

Her remorse is palpable. Her commitment to our marriage real.

But I still have trust issues. Not all the time, but I still come to this site looking for clues from others' stories. I check her phone frequently. And I wonder sometimes "why?"

She says for certain she isnt a lesbian but that she does like to watch lesbian sex. I believe her for the most part. But her actions when in the fog make me worried about another fog. She is taking every proper step I believe, but I still have doubts. Is this normal? How long, if ever, do the doubts subside? While DDay continues to fade, there are times when I still feel it.

I have forgiven her, but I told her I would not forget. I dont rake her over the coals when I do have my doubts, but I do express them.

I guess my question to everyone is, am I normal in feeling this way? And I wonder if anyone else has run into this?

norabird posted 7/11/2014 16:30 PM

Yes, this is very normal. If your trsut simpy returned, back to what it was, just because these early signs are good--THEN you would be abnormal. To return to total trust would be crazy at first, and that's why you resist it--to protect yourself. Hopefully she will help you be able to rebuild that trust again; have patience and don't beat yourself up for not being 'over' this. that is a recipe for rugsweeping disaster. Healing takes time; be gentle with yourself, and don't try to rush the process.

Good luck to you.

Hurthalo posted 7/11/2014 16:31 PM

Aprilfools, absolutely normal mate.

I still have massive trust issues, and my fWW is doing everything right so far. One of the things that possibly hurt me the most is that my wife told OM during her affair with him that she 'also hadn't written off having a romantic relationship with another female either' at some point of her life. So now I don't only have to worry about the male half of the population, I will now always be suspicious of other women too.

You guys sound like you are doing well!!

RyeBread posted 7/11/2014 16:32 PM

I would think it would be not normal if you trusted her this soon after the EA. I had the same issue with my WW after her A too. The trust can be earned back by your WW. Is your WW doing everything she can to earn that back? If so it will take some time for you to feel that again. And it may be that you won't ever completely trust her after this. It really depends on both of your commitments to working on rebuilding the relationship. Most of that is going to your WW earning back that trust.

Stay strong my friend.

Skan posted 7/12/2014 12:59 PM

Hey there, glad you decided to join in the discussions!

Listen, I consider my FWH and I to be fully R, however I still have trust issues, I still check his computer/phone, and we're still dealing with the occasional trigger. I really liken this to having had a major injury to your trust muscle. It may heal up to where you are able to use it again, but there's always going to be some scar tissue in there that is going to pull and bind occasionally. You may have to warm up and down differently, to be able to fully use that muscle again, but those previous reminders of the trauma are still underneath.

And sexuality really isn't, IMO, black or while, straight or gay, one way or the other. It's more like a bell curve, with people falling in different places. Your WW may be turned on by the thought of lesbianism, but not willing/ready to go there physically essentially straight with some tendencies. I would hope that this is something that she can discuss in detail with her IC. But just because one may or may not have tendencies, doesn't excuse the EA of course. Her vow of fidelity to you is the important thing.

2married2quit posted 7/16/2014 15:28 PM

Interesting how she sought a woman for the EA.

Lionne posted 7/16/2014 18:44 PM

I agree with Skan. And I agree that her fidelity is what matters. I'm not surprised that a woman would choose another woman for an EA. I think it might seem safer, at least at first.

Trust takes a long time to regrow. She needs to continue complete transparency and complete NC with the OW.

Time. That dreaded four letter word.

AprilFoolsDDAY posted 7/17/2014 00:06 AM

Her response was just that - it was safer.

I think from what I've read here and in other places is that through the "Just Friends" guise she was able to establish an emotional bond with this woman.

At first it was innocent, friend-like stuff. Then, around the same time she started having more in depth conversations with this woman, she saw the movie.

From that point forward her long time "fantasy" was developing in a "safe" environment.

I won't bore you with more of the details as the path is always the same regardless of orientation.

One of my prevailing thoughts is the what if...what if I hadn't seen the text and knocked her out of the fog? What if it moved to the physical? How long until it would change her priorities? I guess that's the struggle we all have, especially those of us facing EAs.

2married2quit posted 7/18/2014 09:43 AM

People make bad choices and that's understood, but the other girl was targeting a married woman. WTF?

craig2001 posted 7/18/2014 10:21 AM

One of my prevailing thoughts is the what if...
Have you asked your wife this question. There is probably a 50-50 chance she will answer honestly.

AprilFoolsDDAY posted 7/19/2014 02:04 AM

I did ask her and she said she wouldn't have been able to go through with it...

One sidebar to this story, during that intense week of discussions, I got her to tell me everything (by saying, what more will I find out when I retrieve your texts). She said that that weekend when she was away, she and the AP started sexting - the first and only time. As it built to a crescendo, she literally was in shock, almost sick. The next day she claims she was sickened by her cheating actions and was crying the whole day.

I say all of this because that does make sense to me. I do think when it got more real, she was freaked out.

The only what if that I have is it was her intention to take the relationship back to "just friends," but I seriously doubt that would have been maintained. My gut says she would have found herself in a situation, maybe acted on it, then really freaked out.

2married2quit posted 8/5/2014 08:40 AM

I say all of this because that does make sense to me. I do think when it got more real, she was freaked out.

Only you know her well and can sense if this statement is 100% true. Some of us walk around a bit naive and then we get our nose a bit too deep and freak out. Others just make up this "naive" persona to use it as an excuse later.

She was curious and obviously this woman possessed some attractiveness to her as well as taking advantage of situations. Kinda predatorily if you ask me. What's important is that your wife stopped and confessed. She's sorry now and cut off ties (?).

In my opinion, she's a victim of curiosity. Which is an easy one to fall for.

Schadenfreude posted 8/5/2014 09:09 AM

AprilFools, you know there is something more than idle curiosity at work with your WW (yes,,she had an EA with OW as sexting was involved). My W is too close for my comfort with her gf's. She's not into lesbian porn, however, and hasn't used her computer for anything but very mundane texting (yes, I have checked) about chit chat type of things.

Like me, you will have to be vigilant as you cannot fully trust her. Your last post stated our fears quite succinctly.

Your situation is something of a trigger for me as this coming weekend is the annual girls weekend together where these over 50 women act like girls at a bachelorette party minus the male strippers. I've seen photos and suspect worse that they didn't dare photograph.

Has she found a new trainer, a new gym? My W's trainer is newly married and a new mom so I'm reassured somewhat from those circumstances. And she's much younger.

2married2quit posted 8/5/2014 16:00 PM

Schadenfreude - yeah, but did your FWW have an A with a woman?

Schadenfreude posted 8/5/2014 16:15 PM

More like an orgy, I think. Same time, next year type of thing. Stripping, touching, even shaving pussies one year. Yeah, that's an affair, isn't it? And they get together for dinner about once a month, too. But none of the extracurriculars those months except maybe kissing hello and goodbye which women tend to do anyway.

So, sort of combo affair/orgy/bachelorette party. That's the best way I can describe it. One has a dead marriage, and she's the leader of the pack.

AprilFoolsDDAY posted 8/6/2014 09:36 AM

As far the trainer goes, we started working out at home together. That was one of the many things we did separately but now do together, and it's been fun.

The OW is still employed at our club, and we do still use it for other things (golf, pool), but it's big enough to avoid contact. And I know her hours and we avoid being there on early am weekdays.

So far things with WW are very good. We are still in MC and IC. As school starts back I will keep an even more watchful eye as she will have more down time. But I do believe she is extremely remorseful.

As far as her lesbian fantasy notion, we discuss it from time to time, and as she puts it, the fantasy is back in the box (pun intended). I believe the best way for us to deal with it is to discuss it so it doesn't fall into a secret again. IMO secrecy is a fuel.

2married2quit posted 8/6/2014 10:19 AM

Schadenfreude - Damn...that's crazy. All these girls get together for this? Sounds like she's joined a pack to let loose? What is she looking for? I'm sorry to hear.

AprilFoolsDDAY - Sounds like you guys are making really great progress. And you're right, discussing the fantasy makes it all over the table and doesn't fall into secrecy. She being open with you is really great.

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