Ever since April 1 I've been on this site and have to say it has saved me and probably may marriage...
Briefly, I've been married 17 years with 2 children. My wife and I have always had a good relationship with the normal ebbs and flows, with one exception, sex. After the birth of our children our sex life dwindled to almost non-existence for nearly a year. She said she wasnt comfortable with her body, she was always tired at night, she was depressed, etc.
About 18 months ago I started IC with the intent on making myself a better person. Along the way I re-trained myself into treating my wife like I did when we dated. And viewed her that way. Over time, our sexuality began to blossom. At first it was twice a month, then four times, then maybe six. Over the course of last year we became very close once again.
She also started working out two years ago with a lesbian trainer.
In March I noticed she had rented a racy European Lesbian film and watched it several times. I also noticed she had been texting her trainer more often than in the past. I ended up asking her about the videos and her frequent texts with the OW. Just like everyone on here, she maintained they were just friends and that the OW was different than her other friends (no kids, no school talk, husbands, etc) and she enjoyed talking to her. She said the movie was something she watched that helped her get in the mood with me and that she's alway had the lesbian "fantasy." (And yes, when in our twenties we did watch porn together and she preferred the lesbian scenes as they were tender, etc).
I bought her story although my gut knew something was up. Maybe it was because our sexuality had been returning. Or maybe it was because I was happy to see her re-opening up in terms of her fantasies, that I overlooked the on-coming train.
Finally DDay. She returned from a trip out of town with our daughter and I read through her texts on her Ipad (her phone was clean). For some reason though, there was one passage to the OW on the Ipad that had been deleted from her phone "I'm sitting here deleting texts and crying because I can never have you."
I confronted her directly. She confessed to the EA. I was shaky, but calm. I asked and re-asked. I got a little bit of TT early on, but was able to piece together the whole timeline.
The good news is that I own a business and was able to basically be out of the office that entire week. We spent hours talking, crying, and discussing our marriage, her infidelity, the ramifications of her actions, etc.
I found this site on DDay and it has been a godsend. I started an abbreviated 180 (showing little care toward her). I spoke in finality about the marriage. I asked her where she was going to live when we sold the house. NC letter was immediate. I also found a link with a letter to the WS and what to expect from the BS that let her know where I was emotionally.
We also went to MC while she started IC (and I continued).
Over the course of a month, we spent more time openly discussing the marriage, her needs, mine, and how we ended up in this situation.
The short version is she was still lonely in our marriage and she latched on to her fantasy. She got trapped in the fog and became enticed by every text, every ego-kibble, etc. When I asked her she wasnt ready to leave the fog, so she lied.
In IC, she learned that while our marriage was somewhat lacking in terms of intimacy, her underlying issue was the need to seek conditional love (stemming from her mother). Through IC's help, she has now confronted her mother and is dealing with issues that make her self-sabotage.
Tomorrow is our 17th wedding anniversary. And I can honestly say that without my own IC prior to this event, and the advice on this site, I would have walked.
Instead, we are closer than ever. Different, but closer. Everything is open - phones, ipads, who she speaks with, her fantasies (now back in fantasy land with me included). We call this our new book (not just a new chapter but an entire book as we're different).
Her remorse is palpable. Her commitment to our marriage real.
But I still have trust issues. Not all the time, but I still come to this site looking for clues from others' stories. I check her phone frequently. And I wonder sometimes "why?"
She says for certain she isnt a lesbian but that she does like to watch lesbian sex. I believe her for the most part. But her actions when in the fog make me worried about another fog. She is taking every proper step I believe, but I still have doubts. Is this normal? How long, if ever, do the doubts subside? While DDay continues to fade, there are times when I still feel it.
I have forgiven her, but I told her I would not forget. I dont rake her over the coals when I do have my doubts, but I do express them.
I guess my question to everyone is, am I normal in feeling this way? And I wonder if anyone else has run into this?