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Still so confused and afraid

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Sunshine1000 posted 7/11/2014 16:30 PM

Well it has been 9 weeks since I found out. He was seeing other women. we have been together for 3 years. it is just so soon to be having this dam problem. Decided to give the relationship another chance. Because I still love him. Not sure I am doing the right thing. the trust is gone now. I don't think he has stopped. thinking maybe the sex has stopped for now, but I think he still has contact with other women. I want so bad to believe him. still so hurt and lost. I am so afraid that it will just happen again. How the heck am I going to get past this? Some days are good and some days are bad. Sometimes we can talk about it. and some days we can't. I get really angry when he becomes defensive about it. Or thinks I should be over it. LIKE REALLY. guess it's one day at a time

rachelc posted 7/11/2014 16:38 PM

Well it has been 9 weeks since I found out

and he thinks you should be over it? Are you guys in MC or IC? Has HE done any reading like How to help your spouse heal from your affair? Does he understand that recovery take years?

I think he still has contact with other women

why do you think this? Is he being transparent? Please dont accept less than you deserve.

Sunshine1000 posted 7/11/2014 16:50 PM

He has changed his phone number. And given me the pass word. But I don't go on it. I am afraid to be traumatized again. He has told me he has cheated in every relationship he has been in. So I am thinking these women got over it faster. I will suggest that he start reading. We are not in anything trying to fix it on our own. Thank you so much for responding. It just feels better knowing I'm not alone and someone understands.

krsplat posted 7/11/2014 16:53 PM

He has told me he has cheated in every relationship he has been in.

Are you willing to be cheated on again and again? If not, please rethink being with this man. This kind does not change, no matter what he may promise.

Sunshine1000 posted 7/11/2014 16:58 PM

I am thinking the same thing. That he has been like this his whole life. He is 47 and I am 49. I need someone to tell me this. As I can't talk to anyone about it. No one knows. Well his friends do. But no one that I can talk to. My family is in the dark. Thank you for being honest with me.

RomanticInnocenc posted 7/11/2014 17:31 PM

Sunshine, I'm a big advocater for R, however this man is not a boy. At 47 and having cheated in every relationship, sounds to me like he is unlikely to change. He has been on this merry go round before, he continues to hurt people he makes a commitment to, because... He wants to. He must have seen the devastation, hurt and pain before and yet continues to fulfil his needs. I don't think he is a healthy person for R.

However, if you are going to stay together my advice would be to get your b*tch boots on and start demanding what you need to stay in the relationship. These should include
- true remorse
- transparency in every way
- an app like life 360 which tracks his gps so that you can see where he is
- answers to all questions that you want to ask, if any, answered honestly, with kindness and empathy! No more defensiveness
- complete commitment to honesty
- Reading, either alone or together, good books include, how to help your spouse heal, not just friends and after the affair.

These would be my minimum, I'm sure others might want/need something else.

You don't deserve a life of always be ordering when the other shoe is going to drop. None of us do, but when you also don't have a very remorseful partner with a history of cheating, you are in my opinion, increasing the odds of getting hurt again! At least take as many precautions as possible to protect yourself!

rachelc posted 7/11/2014 17:38 PM

Sunshine, also, ask yourself when he said he cheated in every relationship why you decided to be with him anyway? do you have some FOO issues to work on?

Sunshine1000 posted 7/12/2014 16:14 PM

You have given alot to think about. Thank you again romantic for taking the time to share with me.

Sunshine1000 posted 7/12/2014 16:24 PM

rachelc he did not tell me he cheated in every relationship till now. If I would have known things would be different. Wish he would have told me. Than maybe I would not be in hell right now. But I'm in it now just trying to figure it all out and deal with this pain and move forward.

lifeistough posted 7/12/2014 19:20 PM


I love your username - very positive despite the circumstances (much more uplifting than mine).

I agree with others - it's a little hard to imagine him changing much at this point. But, in any event, at 9 weeks you certainly shouldn't be over it. Unless, of course, you never really cared in the first place. Maybe that's why his previous girlfriends got over it fast. Who knows, but he's not with them now. He's with you, and it's offensive that he thinks you should already be past this. If you are going to try R, then I would be very precise about what you need and the minute you aren't getting it, I'd really think hard about whether spending time trying R is realistically worth it.

Put simply, this sucks. But it has helped me to at least get to a place that I know if R doesn't work, I'll be okay. It'll be hard, but I'll be okay. So, spend some time just focusing on yourself, too.

Hang in there.

Salt posted 7/12/2014 19:23 PM

I would run like the wind.

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