I just feel like a failure. Why cant I be strong? I don't want to hurt myself but when the depression and emotions get so strong I feel like I need to find a release. I'm sorry to have made anyone worry. I dont think I'll be hurting myself again.
Welcome to the best group you've never wanted to join. We have all been right where you are right now, including many who found out while pregnant.
Although you may feel overwhelmed and powerless, it's important to remember that you do have power in this situation. First and most importantly, you must take care of yourself, not only for your young son, but for your unborn baby. You must take in good nutrition, even if its only something like ensure or gatorade. Hydration is very important.
Do you have a psychiatrist or doctor from your previous mental health issues? If so, you need to see them an tell them what's going on right now. Individual Counseling (IC) is very important for your mental health as well as someone who can be with you in real life. Also,see your primary care provider about testing for STD's. As tempting as it may be to "reclaim your territory" so to speak, don't do it until you've both been tested.
Do you know who this person is? Is she married? If so, it is important to tell her spouse or boyfriend. Two sets of eyes are better than one.
I would also recommend seeing an attorney, just for informational purposes. The more you know, the better you'll be able to make good decisions.
You've got to be very firm with him in terms of what you want in order to reconcile-full transparency, honesty and remorse. Right now, he's not doing any of that. You can't sweep this under the rug this time.
Keep reading, keep posting.
I do keep hydrated. I mostly take protein shakes now. The pregnancy has mad it hard for me to see food without gagging.
Its been 13-14 years since I last saw a therapist. I'm planning to consult with my OB and hopefully help me find someone to help me with this in my area. Because my emotions have been all over the place, sex has been the last thing on my mind.
I dont know her personally. All the information I know about her has come from facebook and what my H has told me about her. She does have a boyfriend. I just dont know how i can contact him.
I didnt speak with an attorney but I did go to my state's divorce law page and got a decent understanding of what my rights are, especially regarding my kids.
At this very moment, I dont know where he is or who he's with. He leaves work at 3pm and he hasnt came home.
Last night, after my episode, he told me that he's not a doctor, he doesnt know what to do with me, and i'm too much for him to handle. In a way I get it, I understand that much. But at the same time, if he really cared, he would at least be concerned if his son is ok with me right?
[This message edited by Hurtx100 at 7:54 PM, July 11th (Friday)]
Stop letting him see you like this, because he doesn't give a fuck. Don't expect him to care if you're safe with your son...and furthermore, don't give him any ammo to use against you. He WILL throw you under the bus and tell everyone how crazy you are. Believe that. He will forget to say he drive you there.
My advice as a social worker...don't EVER say you're going to hurt yourself unless you are. Your husband will treat you like a leper and it's grounds for removal of your children and a psychiatric hold for you. Be stronger than that...and when you can't, go straight to a therapist...ask to sign a safety "no self harm" contract in exchange for telling her your feelings.
You deserve more.
Your priority right now aside from staying hydrated and eating to support your unborn child, is to get psychiatric care IMMEDIATELY.
If that urge to cut starts to get overwhelming try holding an ice cube in your hand or scribbling very hard on a pad of paper. What techniques worked for you in the past to wait out the impulse? Use them.
Get help right away.
Educate yourself by talking to an attorney; follow his/her advice. Do the 180 and I mean DO the 180. Cut him off emotionally and do not tell him anything about you, the pregnancy, or the kids. Give him the minimum info or nothing at all.
Again: it is not easy but you can do it.
Can you afford to hire a PI? if so, hire one. You'll get all the answers you need plus...
Ask yourself: are you better off with him or without him? Give yourself your out most honest answer with this question.
Good luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.
This is what is known as "blameshifting", in other words, he's blaming you for his affair. It's important that you internalize that this is not about you, the decision to engage in an affair was his, and his alone. Nothing you did or did not do, or being pregnant or hormonal, or whatever else half-assed reason he can think up caused him to have an affair. Nothing.
[This message edited by foxglove at 8:31 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]