SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Where do I go from here?...

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Hurtx100 posted 7/11/2014 18:56 PM

I started to feel and see a change in my H in May of 2014. He was just so cold and mean. Anything and everything was a fight. Our relationship had always been rocky but this just felt different.
On May 5th, we discovered I was pregnant with our second baby. Mother's day came and went and nothing was said or done for me. My birthday also came and went. And all I got was a fight over why the microwave wasn't cleaned. He then left me at home with my son the entire evening. On June 18th, a week after my birthday, our DS became ill with diarrhea and vomit. I had to go to school and left him with my H. When I came home, I noticed several empty bottles of yogurt in the trash meaning he was hungry and no one was feeding him. That night I found out that my H had left our DS with my step son and my H went out to see AP. At the time I didn't know he was having an A (I just suspected it). I didn't have the concrete evidence so we moved on. A week later, on June 27th, I finally had all the proof I needed. I caught a text from her to him saying "kiss me". That moment shattered my world. I have lost 6 pounds in a month which I know isn't a whole lot but I'm pregnant.
The last 2 weeks have been absolute hell for me. I have gone in such deep depression. All I do is cry. I have history of depression and suicide. And last night I began to cut myself again, something I hadn't done in many, many years.
H at first seemed willing to work things out. Now he's gone back to leaving at home again. I have a strong feeling he's talking to her again. They work together. He says he's not. That it's my emotions driving away from me. That I'm too much to handle right now.
I don't want to stop being strong for my DS and baby in my womb but I'm running out of... whatever it was that was keeping me going. I just don't know what to do.

ageek1 posted 7/11/2014 19:06 PM

I'm sorry to hear this. He is a douche bag but that is not going to ease the pain you feel. I'm sure you will receive much advice, but I will say you need to be open to hear why he did what he did. I'm going through recovery from an EA my wife had with a colleague from a different city. We are trying to work through it as there were many issues in our marriage and we were not able to discuss them in a way that each other understood. I suggest the book 5 Love Languages and seek counselling. Not that it is an excuse, but it's his escape from the stresses of everyday's life. He needs to be there for you and you for him. He has to explain what he wants from you and vice versa and you both need to understand what it is, not what you THINK he wants.

Good luck!

Shinypenny posted 7/11/2014 19:23 PM

Please seek help immediately! Please stop cutting and seek professional help! You need to take care of yourself right now!

ageek1 posted 7/11/2014 19:26 PM

Sorry...YES...contact anyone...Family member, Friend, neighbor, ANYONE! Do it NOW!

Hurtx100 posted 7/11/2014 19:33 PM

He told me that it never got physical with her. It was just the attention she was giving him, flirting with him, making him feel wanted, special(?).

I just feel like a failure. Why cant I be strong? I don't want to hurt myself but when the depression and emotions get so strong I feel like I need to find a release. I'm sorry to have made anyone worry. I dont think I'll be hurting myself again.

foxglove posted 7/11/2014 19:37 PM

(((hurtx100)))

Welcome to the best group you've never wanted to join. We have all been right where you are right now, including many who found out while pregnant.

Although you may feel overwhelmed and powerless, it's important to remember that you do have power in this situation. First and most importantly, you must take care of yourself, not only for your young son, but for your unborn baby. You must take in good nutrition, even if its only something like ensure or gatorade. Hydration is very important.

Do you have a psychiatrist or doctor from your previous mental health issues? If so, you need to see them an tell them what's going on right now. Individual Counseling (IC) is very important for your mental health as well as someone who can be with you in real life. Also,see your primary care provider about testing for STD's. As tempting as it may be to "reclaim your territory" so to speak, don't do it until you've both been tested.

Do you know who this person is? Is she married? If so, it is important to tell her spouse or boyfriend. Two sets of eyes are better than one.

I would also recommend seeing an attorney, just for informational purposes. The more you know, the better you'll be able to make good decisions.

You've got to be very firm with him in terms of what you want in order to reconcile-full transparency, honesty and remorse. Right now, he's not doing any of that. You can't sweep this under the rug this time.

Keep reading, keep posting.

Hurtx100 posted 7/11/2014 19:53 PM

Thank you.

I do keep hydrated. I mostly take protein shakes now. The pregnancy has mad it hard for me to see food without gagging.

Its been 13-14 years since I last saw a therapist. I'm planning to consult with my OB and hopefully help me find someone to help me with this in my area. Because my emotions have been all over the place, sex has been the last thing on my mind.

I dont know her personally. All the information I know about her has come from facebook and what my H has told me about her. She does have a boyfriend. I just dont know how i can contact him.

I didnt speak with an attorney but I did go to my state's divorce law page and got a decent understanding of what my rights are, especially regarding my kids.

At this very moment, I dont know where he is or who he's with. He leaves work at 3pm and he hasnt came home.

Last night, after my episode, he told me that he's not a doctor, he doesnt know what to do with me, and i'm too much for him to handle. In a way I get it, I understand that much. But at the same time, if he really cared, he would at least be concerned if his son is ok with me right?

[This message edited by Hurtx100 at 7:54 PM, July 11th (Friday)]

HeBrokeVows posted 7/11/2014 20:39 PM

Can you call someone to be with you right now? You are pregnant and have your son that needs you. You need to focus for a moment on your health for the sake of your unborn child and son. Once you are well, then see a lawyer immediately. But you need to get in to see someone first for your mental health. You don't want him to use it against you some day. Please please do not be alone right now.

mandolin555 posted 7/11/2014 20:45 PM

I'm going to be honest with you. Brutally honest. Stop hurting yourself RIGHT NOW. You haven't done anything wrong! Your dickhead husband is "too much to handle right now" not you!!!

Stop letting him see you like this, because he doesn't give a fuck. Don't expect him to care if you're safe with your son...and furthermore, don't give him any ammo to use against you. He WILL throw you under the bus and tell everyone how crazy you are. Believe that. He will forget to say he drive you there.

My advice as a social worker...don't EVER say you're going to hurt yourself unless you are. Your husband will treat you like a leper and it's grounds for removal of your children and a psychiatric hold for you. Be stronger than that...and when you can't, go straight to a therapist...ask to sign a safety "no self harm" contract in exchange for telling her your feelings.

You deserve more.

nekorb posted 7/12/2014 00:54 AM

I'm sorry.

Your priority right now aside from staying hydrated and eating to support your unborn child, is to get psychiatric care IMMEDIATELY.

If that urge to cut starts to get overwhelming try holding an ice cube in your hand or scribbling very hard on a pad of paper. What techniques worked for you in the past to wait out the impulse? Use them.

Get help right away.

MammaMia posted 7/12/2014 01:07 AM

Honey look at it this way: right now H is not concerned about you or your well being. He does not care. The only thing he cares about is how this woman makes him feel. In other words he only cares about himself. He proved it by what he has done and said to you.
Pull yourself together and convince yourself that he is not worthy of you. I know it is not easy , but it is doable. Stop cutting yourself; don't appear weak in his eyes.

Educate yourself by talking to an attorney; follow his/her advice. Do the 180 and I mean DO the 180. Cut him off emotionally and do not tell him anything about you, the pregnancy, or the kids. Give him the minimum info or nothing at all.

Again: it is not easy but you can do it.

Can you afford to hire a PI? if so, hire one. You'll get all the answers you need plus...

Ask yourself: are you better off with him or without him? Give yourself your out most honest answer with this question.

Good luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

foxglove posted 7/12/2014 08:30 AM

Last night, after my episode, he told me that he's not a doctor, he doesnt know what to do with me, and i'm too much for him to handle. In a way I get it, I understand that much. But at the same time, if he really cared, he would at least be concerned if his son is ok with me right?

This is what is known as "blameshifting", in other words, he's blaming you for his affair. It's important that you internalize that this is not about you, the decision to engage in an affair was his, and his alone. Nothing you did or did not do, or being pregnant or hormonal, or whatever else half-assed reason he can think up caused him to have an affair. Nothing.

[This message edited by foxglove at 8:31 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]

HeBrokeVows posted 7/12/2014 14:35 PM

Please check in. Are you ok? I hope you found someone to stay with you or some help.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy