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StealReeling posted 7/11/2014 23:48 PM

My H and I have been married for 14 years, my second, his first. Two years ago I was diagnosed with left breast cancer and went through surgery and 10 weeks of intense radiation with him only taking 1 day off during that time. A few months later he dropped a ball in my lap about his mother coming to spend winter with us. He, his mother, and sister all planned the visit without my knowledge. Before leaving, she made sure to let me know how she felt about me in my own home, screaming, yelling at me like a mad woman.

Few weeks later started having trouble with my right shoulder and had surgery last September. I tried to talk with my husband about all the emotions I was going through. I didn't take much time off after the surgeries, and he wouldn't listen or try to support me through any of these physical or emotional things. The only time he would come near me was when he wanted sex, grabbing at me, saying "lets go do it", and that pushed me away even more. To top it all off, I lost my high paying job back in March.

I have always been the one that carries most of the financial responsibilities and pushed myself back to work to make sure the bills got paid.

I noticed he was getting distant and hiding out in the garage with his iPad and cell phone, placing a chair behind my car where he couldn't be seen. Back in March he was taking selfies posting them on Facebook, riding his bike, walking around the block trying to lose weight, being critical and finding fault with me. Saying things like, you are going to find yourself alone, told him I was alone when I met him.

He is one that he has never been able to carry on much of a conversation with me. I feel our conversations have been very shallow and without substance. Every time we would have a disagreement, he would threatened me about leaving.

Back in May we had someone to steal one of our credit cards and used it few places out of town, he told me he received a call from the area the credit card was used on his cell phone. I went in to the cell phone billing to see if I could find the number listed but instead found pages and pages of this one phone number texting and calls that went all the way back from almost a year (he had even accused me of checking up him). So I called the number and did not get an answer, a few minutes later she called me back and when she heard my voice, hung up rather quickly. I called my husband at work and asked him about the number he was texting so much. He told he had to go and hung up on me. I didn't hear from him, the rest of day.

He got home and said you have something to say, I told him no, he had something to tell me. He told me had been texting and calling "Angela" a former co-worker and his excuse was, I was listening to her because her grandfather had cancer and was dying, then it was she needed a work reference. I looked at him and said your wife had cancer and you could have cared less and it took you nine months to give her a work reference? He just stood there then I am leaving came out again.

I called this "Angela" the next day, of course she didn't answer her phone so I text her which she responded and my husband had been telling her how unhappy he was in his marriage and how bad a wife I was and that he would be leaving me to find his own happiness. I told her do you know how many miserable people that's out there, including herself, who have left spouses to find happiness to find themselves worse off? He told her things that should only been discussed with the 2 of us. She even told me I needed MC and here she was the one texting my husband!

When he got home next day, he came in the door with I am sorry and to forgive him. I couldn't say anything. He denied any PA but he has lived a lie for about a year. I don't trust him because the day after he asked me to forgive, I went into one of email accounts and he written her an email still blaming me for his infidelity. Another email sent the D-day, warning her that I had found out he had been texting her and not to answer her phone with a response from her sent to another email account, wanting to know what number I would be calling from. I confronted him again that he was only sorry being caught then he started saying, you bringing this up all time, it's been the same thing for 14 years, I am leaving. I lost it!! He started saying, I love you, I am not leaving. The bottom fell out and I have been reeling ever since. He hasn't come clean yet, he will not talk to me about it. I confronted him again the other night about him blaming me for his selfish actions and choices like everything else he is acting as though nothing ever happened and has swept it under the rug. He said it was over, that he hadn't text or emailed since D-day. My trust has been destroyed!! He knows too many ways around with all these technical things to be in contact with her. I set some boundaries that if he said "I am leaving", he would be out the door and who was he going to be accountable to, it sure wasn't me that he had gone beyond boundaries of our marriage vows!

He is sex craved right now and makes so many sexual comments to me that it makes me sick on my stomach. He took me out to lunch today for my birthday and on the way home, I was telling him about a man in the restaurant that kept staring at me and I thought the man winked at me. His comment was, shoot, I should of found how much I could have gotten for you!!! I felt sick and wanted to vomit. I asked who are you and where is my husband?

I have been reeling since D-day without any answers!! I feel he has used me as an ATM and whore. How much longer with this man who cannot talk to his wife but spend hours talking to the OW without so much as a blink, telling me she was nice to talk to and when I asked him if he was unhappy in his marriage, his response was, I told you and I asked "when"? He said when I told you, "its been the same for 14 years" and I was suppose to understand that as unhappiness!!! I do not know where to go from here!

nekorb posted 7/12/2014 00:15 AM

(((StealReeling)))

I'm so sorry you're here, but glad you found us.

First things first. Check out the healing library. Read up on the 180. It's in the BSFAQ, topic 11.

I'd lay odds he is lying about there being no sex with OW. Most of our WS's said the same thing and only fessed up when they got caught.

You are dealing with an unremorseful wayward. You need to freeze that fucker out. No meals, housecleaning (for him, ie laundry), sex...btw - head on over to the doctor for STD testing.

This is going to go nowhere good for you if you let him continue to sit on the fence and waffle back and forth. I wouldn't even give him the opportunity to say, "I'm leaving" again. KICK HIS ASS OUT.

Do you have kids?

Right now your focus needs to be you. Consult a lawyer, pronto. Eat, drink, stay hydrated, try and sleep. Take care of your kids, if you have them.

FTG.

Didact posted 7/12/2014 02:29 AM

Weekends are slow here, but folks will come along to give you very wise advice.

First, know that what you are feeling is awful, humiliating, painful-- the range of emotions from betrayal like this is rather spectacular. It is also completely normal, and you will get past it.

No matter what, focus on yourself. Try to eat something, and drink plenty of water.

What your husband is doing is also very normal. He is minimizing his involvement to precisely what you know, and shifting blame to you. At the moment they are caught, most of the cheating spouses do/did this, including many that ultimately came to their senses--including mine. Now, my wife tells me that she is so glad that I caught her. Often, a little help from you can make this awful window of time shorter.

Find out who the OW is. There are services you can pay very little to that can identify the name of the owner. Start by googling her phone number. If it is a local number, the sad but harsh truth is that this is not just an emotional affair.

If the OW is married, you need to tell her husband. Don't threaten to do it, or use it against your husband, just do it. It gives you the very best single chance you have at ending his affair. Especially if this was the only one, it may give you the single best chance at saving your marriage.

Read the articles in the healing library (upper left corner on the website) and don't get put off by the number of abbreviations you see. The single best piece of advice I would give some one is to listen carefully to some of the older posters that will eventually reply-- and keep posting updates to get the best advice. You will get through this.

amanda123 posted 7/12/2014 05:30 AM

Hi StealReeling, you have come to best place, whether it is to vent, get some advice, or to just be with people who have been through what you have. You would be surprised to see how many people actually have been or are going through the same thing as you right now. My story is not dissimilar to yours, only my WH did it with a very close friend. While I was at work he carried on with the OW and I had no idea until DD called me at work and said did you know dad has been on the phone for hours everyday with the OW. I waited for him to tell me something he said nothing even when I asked if anyone had called he said no. Not long after I got a facebook message from the OW telling me to step aside that I was in the way because they loved each other. I confronted him immediately and he yelled at me saying you know I havent been happy for a long time, how was I suppose to know he never told me, obviously told the other woman but not me. I told him that he never said anything to me about it, he said well you know I dont communicate very well, I said well you have had NO problem communicating with her. He too did the same things as your WH finding fault with everthing I did, then told me I was losing it, if I couldnt remember where I had put something, he was being very mean. He too did the excercise bit, however I mistook it for trying to get healthy after his heart surgery. When people start behaving differently this is always a warning sign when they start becoming secretive, closing screens on their computer when you walk into the room, when the OW called my home my WH would never remain seated and speak to her he always got up and walked out of the room like he was looking for something, but obviously I was so naive and trusting that I thought nothing of it. I nearly knocked myself out because he couldnt do anything for quite a long time after his surgery so I was doing the whole lot looking after everyone, grocery shopping, working, paying bills the whole lot, while he was carrying on with the OW. Apparently OW gave him the ultimatum he said he wasnt leaving his family. I told him no contact with her ever again I told her the same. It was very difficult the following days to say it was awkward as well, would be an understatement. I cried and cried and couldnt sleep i lost weight i was a total mess. Was this the man i married i loved with all my heart he was like a stranger to me, I would never have believed that he could do something like this to me. I wanted to know why when how all of those things but he said his 5 sentences and that was it, never spoke about it again. When I bitched about her he stuck up for her, protecting her making excuses for her. Things are a lot better here now with us, I dont trust my H I dont know that I will ever fully trust him again. Dont trust your husband either, he needs to earn your trust before you start believing anything he tells you. You need to work out if you want to stay in the marriage or if this has been too much. He will lie and do things to deceive you and try to make this everyone else's fault but his. Do the 180 as has already been suggested, it helped me a lot, made me a lot stronger and keep posting and keep venting. Dont let him blame you for something he did. Many hugs to you.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/12/2014 05:59 AM

StealReeling, I'm sorry you find yourself here.

That having been said, I have to say that this man is just absolutely disgusting. He has zero regard for you, your health, your welfare, your well-being or your security.

None.

He gets caught cheating and lying and manipulating and deceiving and disrespecting you, and his ONLY thoughts are of grabbing at you so he can get his rocks off?

I think it's pitiful that he can find all the time in the world to hide in the garage and text his girlfriend like some stupid little hormonal teenager, but can't put that time to more productive use - like educating himself further so he can get a better paying job rather than relying on YOU to do all the heavy lifting. But hey, since you do it all, why bother? Now he's got more time to act like a cheating jackass. There's no doubt in my mind you also do all the housework - cooking, food shopping, laundry, cleaning and everything else that goes with it.

You honestly have to ask yourself - what does this man bring to the table that's POSITIVE? I couldn't find one single thing from your post. Not ONE.

Even when you were facing the most horrific and scary situation of your life - Cancer - he STILL couldn't step up to the plate and do the right thing by you. NOT EVEN THEN!!! YOU had to go back to work in order to keep the household afloat because he refused to do it. He wanted no part of your emotions or fears concerning your illness and the only thing he wanted out of you was to get back to work so the bills could be paid and he wouldn't have to be responsible anymore.

What real man would make it necessary for his wife post-surgery to have to go back to work immediately because he's too damned lazy and uninspired to be a man and take care of his home and wife?

He's shown you EXACTLY what he's really made of. When someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE them.

I think it's pretty clear he's been cheating for quite a while, and not just 'texting' this woman to support her during her grief. What a crock of crap THAT is. The guy has no morals at all, and you can be assured this is a total physical affair and probably has been since day #1.

StealReeling, I honestly don't understand why this man hasn't left since he's clearly claimed he's unhappy and should have left years ago. I would have said 'good riddance - don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you" and drinking a toast as he left. Why would you want someone around who has clearly shown you - and TOLD you - that he wants out? I have a suspicion it's because the living is easy with you, since you're the main breadwinner. Why should he hole himself up in some shitty apartment somewhere on his crappy salary when he can be living in a nice home and being supported on YOUR dime?

I would make a list with PROS on one side, and CONS on the other. Don't be surprised when the CON side is so long that you need to go to a second sheet of paper.

Based on that list, I'd decide whether this man is worth all the effort you'd need to put into him to reconcile. I hate to say it, but the only one doing all the work will be YOU.

Yet again.

StealReeling posted 7/12/2014 11:23 AM

We have no children. The OW is a former co-worker of his and she is a single mother, think on her 3rd divorce. They worked together from 2012 to 2013 before he got laid off from his job. He kept in contact with her and who knows about the rest. He had plenty of opportunity to call, text and even go see her. His job now he only works 24 hrs a week. The OW moved to another state many hours away back in January but still the contact continued. In her text to me she said, "there was no affair and how good a man he was and listen to him". I told her how can I when the 2 of them are talking and texting all the time. I let her know about how good a man he is. The morning I received the breast biopsy results, I had asked him to go with me and was told you will be fine. He went on to work. I tried to talk to him about my feelings and his response was you survived get over it!! Right before D-day he stopped any physical contact with me. He had resigned he was going to be happy at any cost!!

momentintime posted 7/12/2014 12:13 PM

He has shown you who he really is, believe him. He is cold and uncaring towards you. You have most of the financial responsibility. When facing a health crisis he is no where to be found. However he has empathy for the OW's issues. Then he paws you for his sexual gratification.

WHY are you still with this man? No where in your post have you expressed any positives with him. You need to ask yourself why you accept this treatment? You deserve so much better! You have value.

Next time he threatens to leave, let him. Actually open the door for him and shove him out.

StealReeling posted 7/12/2014 13:10 PM

momentintime...I came on this sight to vent as many others here. The place says it's a safe place to vent, and I feel attacked right now by your post. I don't know why I am still with this guy, maybe because I have taken my marriage vows a little more seriously, better or worse, richer or poorer until death do we part! Now I have found out this is not a safe place!! I have not seen positive comments on here about the WS right after a person is discovered.

SpecialK posted 7/12/2014 14:42 PM

Steal..... Please read your post and look at it from an outsider's point of view. What would you tell someone who was in your situation?

You might want to list some positive attributes your husband brings to the table instead of the extremely disturbing negative ones you listed if you want a different response. We tend to "protect" our BS's. Especially when they are so raw.
We are here to support everyone, and I didn't feel anyone lamblasted you at all. Sometimes you aren't going to get the "response" you want but it's almost always you will get the response you need. There are thousands of people on this site who have experienced betrayal and it has been said before, "take what you need from the posters" and let the other stuff roll off your back.

confused615 posted 7/12/2014 15:09 PM

Hi and welcome.

Im so sorry you are dealing with this shit..and on top of the cancer scare. It's too much. You do deserve so much better.

I wanted to say that you will get support here..support for YOU..but no one is going to encourage you to stay in an abusive marriage...not unless your husband is getting IC to help him deal with his issues. He has all but abandoned you..he may physically be there, but emotionally he has already left. He treats you with total disregard. He is absolutely being abusive to you.

Have you read the 180 on here? It's in the Healing Library. Please read it.

I know you are very raw right now. We all do. Everything is just too much to deal with. Please know that you were not attacked by momentintime. She was pointing out that you don't deserve this abuse. That you are worthy of love. I understand why her post was difficult to read. The truth is harsh, especially in moments like this. But it is the truth, nonetheless.

There isn't anything you did to make him cheat. If he was so damn unhappy then he should have done the honorable thing and filed for a divorce. Instead he cheats..and, as you said, uses you for money.

You need to get angry. Find your bitch boots. How dare this man treat you, his loving,faithful, wonderful wife like this!

If you believe he is still cheating, put a VAR in his car. Within 24 hours you will have your proof.

((((StealReeling))))

momentintime posted 7/12/2014 17:01 PM

I apologize if I hurt you. I am not trying to attack you. We all know the pain you are in. I was responding to what you posted. Did I get the info wrong? Take what you need from SI and leave the rest behind.

We try to be honest with you. What I wrote was my opinion. I am sorry, but I won't encourage you to turn away when troubles hit you. We all speak from experience. Sometimes the messages are hard truths. You may not be ready.

This is a safe place to come. However when you put yourself out there you will get comments that you don't want to hear. Ignore all those you don't like.

[This message edited by momentintime at 5:07 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

norabird posted 7/13/2014 09:29 AM

((((StealReeling))))

I remember how much it hurt to hear the truth about my exWBF, to hear that I needed to move toward a life without him. But, it was true.

This 'man' that you are with, while you love him (and no judgment there), is toxic for you. He doesn't have remorse. He doesn't have kindness. So the best way for you to heal is to act to cut him out of your life. Trust us, you can be very happy again once you are free of him, though there is a lot of trauma to process first.

But you will have to do things at your own pace. Try to use the wisdom here to find your way through because it will help, if you let it.

StealReeling posted 7/15/2014 09:08 AM

Started a new job yesterday and today woke up with nausea and vomiting. Could not function with facing another day. I am trying the 180's with very slow progress. He's still acting as though nothing has happened and it's been over 2 1/2 months out, May 24th, swept under the rug. I was once this independent, self assured, confident person and now defeated to a pathetic wimp who can't function!!!

[This message edited by StealReeling at 9:42 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

1Faith posted 7/15/2014 10:01 AM

Steal

Please consider getting into IC. You need help navigating the waters of infidelity.

This is a safe place. It is also an honest one.

Sometimes we post things we wish someone would of told us in the beginning. Wake up calls or you may read them referred to as 2X4's.

For me one of the hardest parts of healing was finding my way back to me. I lost myself, my trust in myself, my instincts and my bearings. Up was down. North was south and white was black. I didn't know or understanding anything. My self esteem and self assurance was stripped of me. So I totally understand your pain.

In IC, I learned to find my way back to me a little at a time. You don't have to decide anything regarding your marriage right now. But decide that you will not allow his terrible choices define you.

You are better and stronger than lies, betrayal and deceit.

Once you are stronger for you then you can address the marriage. Stay alert and don't settle.

Good luck

[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:02 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

OnTilt posted 7/15/2014 11:27 AM

Steal, I am so glad u haven't left us, though I'm sorry you have to be here at all.

I see so many similarities between your story and mine and your wh and mine. You are NOT pathetic! You have suffered a trauma and just like your wh hasn't been there for you emotionally in the past, he is not there for you now either. :(

You are 2 1/2 months out and he is still not being honest, remorseful or supportive. I am 2 1/2 YEARS out and my wh is still not being honest remorseful or supportive.

My wh has refused to admit any wrongdoing because of lack of evidence and minimizes what evidence I do have. It's as if he is saying "you don't have proof of that, therefore it didn't happen!" Classic gas lighting

I suspect yours is doing the same. Eventually I gave up trying to get him to be honest and started really watching him. It was hard for me to believe that he could be deceitful and sneaky because for all these years I thought he was open and honest.

I eventually came to the realization that wh is disrespectful to me, dismissive of my feelings and emotional needs, and subtly verbally abusive. Just like your wh, threatening to divorce me, among MANY other things. Took me a long time to admit I am being emotionally abused.

I wish I could have realized this sooner! I kept waiting for the H I thought I knew to return, but eventually realized he has always been who he is now, I was just in denial.

I know this is hard, but the BEST line for you to take is a VERY HARD line with him! COMPLETE hard 180!!

Please listen to those here - I won't give much advice because I did EVERYTHING wrong. I am just now starting to pull myself together and plan for a future that will most likely be without my wh.

If a post sounds angry, the anger is not directed at you. The poster is getting angry FOR you because we hate to see others going through what we have been through. And many of us have learned from our mistakes. Some take longer than others (like myself!), but most here speak with experience.

Again, sorry you find yourself here, but glad you haven't left us.
(Steal)

StealReeling posted 7/25/2014 20:14 PM

He went into another angry rage last Friday night when I said something about his girlfriend. Started throwing things screaming yelling at me then told me don't look so scared I am not going to hit you. His favorite comment, "I am leaving" again. I threw his clothes out the door and told him if he came back in I would call the cops! Locked the door behind him. Went to bed and locked the bedroom door and slept with the phone!! He slept in the car. I am looking for a place where he can't find me. Have had enough!!!

Tearsoflove posted 7/26/2014 13:16 PM

I think you need a break from him so you can really think about what you want and how to get it.

This man has been disrespectful to you. This man has allowed his family to be disrespectful to you. This man has allowed another woman to be disrespectful to you. He couldn't even show you compassion while you had cancer which had to have been the scariest time of your life. Yet he can show compassion for some other woman over her grandfather's cancer? You must be the most compassionate woman to have put up with his mistreatment for as long as you have. Instead of helping you with stress, he adds to it. For someone with health issues, that can be deadly.

I think it's good that after the latest threat to leave you actually made him go. Now make him stay out for a while so you can really consider what part of him is worth working so hard for. He doesn't consider your needs at all, even when you are facing possible death and painful surgery. He makes inappropriate comments even when he's supposedly treating you to a birthday dinner. His behavior is contemptuous toward you and that is a bad sign. He might just need to find out what his life would be like without you to realize what he's about to lose. At the very least, you need a little bit of time to consider what your life might be like with someone supportive in your corner instead of someone who tears you down further when you are having difficult times. He can either step it up and be that supportive husband that he should be or I'd be helping him out the door with his suitcases the next time he threatens to leave.

So sorry you have to be here.

StealReeling posted 7/29/2014 19:02 PM

How can this man act as if nothing happened and completely ignores his infidelity as if never happened and expects me to be loving and smiling when I was so disrespected.. I still get angry and want to tear his head off!! It's been 2 months and he has totally gone into amnesia!!

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/29/2014 19:44 PM

Steel
Read my link "sorting through the mess". The first thing I felt was attacked as well. I had to step back and then retread posts the next day. I'm still pretty raw. I think most of us are. It's so much easier to say wth to someone else's wS than your own. We all thought our situations were somehow unique but then start reading and say "that's what my wS said!" Sometimes it's also good to help determine what ty rings as true and what doesn't. I did not and still don't trust my own judgement. I trusted my wS for 30 years. He had issues he hid from me until I called the police and had him removed. Lightening bolt to his fog!! We all feel sick every time someone new posts. We don't want new members, but we try to take care of each other. We are with people who understand. I hope you feel supported and welcome. Still so sorry you're here.

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/29/2014 19:47 PM

Just reread and need to clarify. We don't want new members because that means someone else is now hurt. BUT this is a place that welcomes them!! I think that sounded wrong above.