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Newest Member: Jasnah (61860)

User Topic: Do you fantasize about a re-do of first finding out about the A?
♂ 41477
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*Disclaimer: My exWGF left me several years ago, but I suppressed my anger, hurt, ..., over the betrayal, and have only recently started to address it.

I apologise if the "General" forum is not the right place for this, I'm not sure where else to put it.


For a long time, I've been indulging in fantasizing how I wish I would have reacted when she first told me about her cheating.

I feel like a chump/idiot/... for staying with her for more than a year after being told, trying to salvage things/reconcile etc., only to in the end be dumped for the same guy she cheated on me with in the first place.

So I've been fantasizing about what I wish I would have done if I had a chance at a re-do:)

My current fantasy is to ask her only: "Was it consensual, were you forced, drugged or in a drunken stupr in any way?", and when the answer would be "It was consensual", I'd simply pack my things without a single word, leave her house and utterly ignore her for the rest of my life, while she'd try in vain to get me to talk to her, approach me at our University etc.

So... What fantasies do you have about how you would have reacted if you had a chance at a re-do?:)

Thank you all for your time and responses, and good luck to all of you!

xBBf, 28
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy

Posts: 3596 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
♂ 35989
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are in R, but I still think about how I wish I would have reacted.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

I wish I hadn't been so convinced it was my fault and that I was some kind of failure. I wish I hadn't been so desperate. I tried so damn hard to nice her back. I focused on all my perceived flaws and figured that anything that was good about me just obviously didn't matter or wasn't good enough, if it was then the A wouldn't have happened. I lost so much sleep. I hated myself.

It took me a while (it seemed like a long time to me anyway, was probably about 1 month after dday) - and the help of the folks at SI - before I started standing up for myself and really making clear what my terms for the continuation of our M was.

I've made a lot of changes in my life over the past couple of years. I've become super outgoing. I've been building an ever increasing circle of friends. I've got buddies that I know would let me crash at their house indefinitely if needed. I've resumed some old hobbies and joined some organizations that utilize my talents, which help boost my self esteem.

My motivation hasn't really been for improvement. If an A happens again, I need to be ready and capable to just walk away. I cannot go through this a second time. It's like I'm perpetually training for a war that might never happen.

I edit.

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I would have let it play out a little longer and caught them in the act. I had the resources and info, if I had only looked and used it. I think it would have saved me a lot of TT and the OW might not have been so high and mighty. It would have been great to humiliate her by catching them in mid air, so to speak. She was allowed to walk away with dignity and she has proven to be ungrateful and belligerent about her part in the A. She has expressed no regrets and feels nothing wrong.
My H could have used the rattle, also.

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

Posts: 3470 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omgosh yes!! I would love a do over. I wish I had been a hard ass and not so damn forgiving. I feel like a chump as well. Such a wuss I was. I was tough for about 12 hours that's just because I was so pissed, then I tried to be the bestest wife in the world so he could see what he had at home and would never stray again. Geez what an idiot. Still mad at myself.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 41193
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


My "re-do" list:

Find SI forum and reading materials when I merely suspected there was an A going on, so I would be properly "armed" when I had proof.

Kicked his ass out after Dday 1, in the hopes he would have come out of the fog earlier.

Wish I had been more assertive and not believed he was telling me the truth, so I would not have experienced Dday 2.

Wish I had taken the opportunity to publicly humiliate the COW.

Me: 60, WH 67
Married: 23 years
DS 21, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
Divorced Jan. 2016

Posts: 961 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I had it to re-do, I would have just left sooner than I did.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♀ 35387
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have done things sooooo much different.

I would have kicked him out on Dday. I want him to really "feel" the pain he caused. I want him to understand just how badly he messed up. I would want him to face his family/friends knowing they know he caused this, knowing they know the kind of man he had become.

Obviously I still have some anger towards him. Two years out and I'm still in therapy and he's considered "cured" by every therapist he has ever spoken to. I'm the broken one now, too sad to move on with my life.

Married 10 years, together for 12 years
2 children (9 years & 6 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 482 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ 35862
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Considering dday was 6 years ago yesterday.....
I wish I would have not been so scared and just told him to leave. I wish I would have realized it was not my fault. I wish I would have outed him to his parents.

Mostly, I wish I'd have just told him to leave and made a new life for the kids and myself. Maybe he would have gotten his act together sooner.

As I always say "Shit in one hand and wish in the other, see which gets fuller faster"

Me: BS H: WS
4 kids
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 973 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDay1 - no, I was already a member here and knew exactly what to do.
DDay2 - still reeling from DDay 1 I couldn't do what I needed to do and kick him out. So, I'd like a do-over on that.

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♂ 43899
Member # 43899
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did pretty good, but I wish I hadn't cried in front of her.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

DDay - June 2014
DD 2008 & 2011
Divorced April 1, 2015

Posts: 2225 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't do it much anymore, but I used to, believe me. I wish I had gone into stealth mode and slowly but surely dismantled our marriage behind his back. I would've lawyered up immediately, opened my own bank account, printed out all of the evidence I had of his A, etc. Instead (this is before I knew about SI), I reacted emotionally-- I immediately confronted him, gave him time to cover his tracks, and probably let him get away with more than he should have. I also would have kicked him out right away and told him to go live with the OW until I could move out instead of enduring in-house separation for eight months.

But, I also know that I could have behaved much worse, and I found SI early enough that I did not sabotage my own health and sanity any further. I also don't think much about it anymore at this point, and you won't either once more time has passed.

FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 4079 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ 43909
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes. Last year when I found the email from the OW to my WBF about him pursuing a relationship with her, I blew up quickly. I had enough suspicion prior and the email is really all the proof I needed to seal the fate of our relationship. I let him convince me it was totally innocent. Ugh.

The whole last year has been a mental hell for me, feeling shameful for not being stronger and leaving the very second I read the email.

Me: BGF (41)
Him: WBF (a much older Peter Pan)
In 2014 was informed by a new acquaintance that WBF had a second, secret life in another city with an old flame.

Posts: 148 | Registered: Jun 2014
♀ 34770
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I think about it often. I play different scenarios in my mind.

Mostly, I wish I had packed his bags and dumped them in her driveway.

But I was glad that I confronted her in the office the day after dday and told her to resign. That was the best thing I did. Otherwise, she would probably still be there. I do wish though that I had stayed long enough to see her pack up her things and leave. The few days that followed, before she actually left, were hell.

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 1383 | Registered: Feb 2012
♂ 40627
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny, I've been thinking about that very question a lot this week. I'm in the middle of "discovery" time so I've been re-hashing those awful few weeks a lot lately. My biggest regret is letting her talk me back into coming home after the final(?) bit of TT hit a couple of weeks after DDay. I had stormed out, told her it was over, and then weakly let her talk me back into coming home. Didnt even spend one night away. I wish I had of stayed away for a little while. Those few hours where she really felt like she had lost me was the only time in like the first eight months where I really had control of the process and she was out of, if only temporarily, the fog. She swore NC, promised anything, wept, begged me to come back. I should have let her stew on that for a couple of days to permanently knock her off the fence and restore a little pride in my manhood. Instead, I gave in, thinking I had won, only to see more contact, more fogginess, more crap. I really think that if I had found the strength that night we would be MUCH further along in this process than we are, either divorced or firmly in R. Alas...

DDay: July 6, 2013

Posts: 148 | Registered: Sep 2013
♂ 28618
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would love to be able to take a mulligan.

Of course, I would probably be divorced instead of staying.

Posts: 399 | Registered: May 2010
♀ 43530
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I wanna play this game!

Before confronting WH, I would have installed keylogger software on the computers so that when he lied and said the email account he had sent it to was hers and he didn't have access, I would have known that was B.S and actually the one he had set up for himself to contact her separate secret account. Then I would have had an opportunity to see everything in the account before he wiped it out.

I would not have told him I had voicemails of OW and that I was going to contact OWs BH. That resulted in 1 week of more lies, cover ups as they tried to find/destroy the evidence.

I would have used Wondershare to dump deleted texts/photos from his phone immediately instead of learning about it 1 year later (still got some interesting old stuff though).

I week after Dday, when I found out he was contacting her, about the email account, and that he was trying to delete evidence, I would have kicked him out then and made him work his ass off to R.

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 1:57 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

BW: 43 (me) WH: 42 (him)
DD-13, DS-11
DDay 1 = 1/13, DDay2 = 7/14 (False R), D 4/15

Posts: 1015 | Registered: May 2014 | From: SoCal
♂ 41589
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Constantly.

“You know hope is a mistake. If you can’t fix what’s broken, you’ll go insane.” - Max Rockatansky

The smart man divorces a lawyer.
The smarter man never marries one in the first place.

To her we were never worth the effort. :-/

Posts: 200 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 19911
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be embarrassed to say this anywhere else after 8 years, but yes, it's a go to fantasy of mine still.

Immediately after confrontation I would have grabbed as much of his crap as I could, hefty it, jam it in his truck, and tell him that he had to leave THAT MINUTE, that I couldn't look at him any longer. Careful not to tell him to go to her, just to leave.

Then start the dismantling, canceling credit cards as he drove cross country (bwah-ah-ah), new bank account, and go full press NC.

When I got the "I want to try to work on our M" (notice the "try to" ), I would have said don't bother; you've got the life and the person you felt was worth imploding our M for -- stay there and enjoy.

Yes, we're together, still doing MC, more good times than bad, but I'd like to think that if I hadn't been such a f&%#ing doormat doing the famous Pick Me dance, my self esteem, my self respect and my residual anger would be far less of an issue now.

Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 incredible, grown kids
Married 32 years, together 39
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 695 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
Member # 44000
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I would have left and never looked back! Still might happen, just got to settle a few things before leaving .

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2014
♀ 42372
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell Yeah!!!! I wish I hadn't naively blown off the calls telling me he was cheating! I wish I would have had a face to face with the ghetto ho and her baby daddy who was in on the whole sordid mess. I would have loved watching them squirm when I presented them with the "real" truth about her and her trashy family. Exposing her in a letter just didn't satisfy me....

And miles to go......

Posts: 1906 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Southeastern USA
Topic Posts: 38
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