My husband NEVER wanted to talk about his affair, he never wanted to figure out why he did it other than to say he was angry at me, he never wanted to disclose anything without a blowout fight. Tonight H and I are talking honestly about our relationship and what we want. I tell H I need to be able to be real and authentic about my feelings instead of denying or altering my feelings in order not to upset/offend him. He said "great, as long as we don't talk about my affair because that's a deal breaker." What?!?! So years later after having to heal without his help, he wants me to never mention his affair again. Really? That's the only way we can make this marriage work after 34 years? You get what you want and I get to hold my hurt inside never to be spoken of again? Really?
I told him I understood it was a deal breaker for him because his ultimatum is a deal breaker for me. Opinions?
However, if you don't back it up, then it holds no water and just tells him you don't stand by your word.
If you say it, you need to be sure to BACK IT UP.
I hope this doesn't sound weird or condescending, but holy shit, am I ever proud of you for that response! You expressed yourself perfectly.
Now please be prepared to back it up. He doesn't get to stomp on your heart, screw someone else, and then tell you "Let's just forget that ever happened."
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
What doesn't kill me, scars me.
Doesn't sound like he's anywhere near this. This is not true reconciliation. You may have to make some choices.
Sorry for the 2 x 4. Good luck.
married 19 years
separated since 3/2013 (in house until 8/2013)
D FINAL! Sept 10 2014
D-day Dec 21 2013 (after separation)
2 sons 17 and 13
OW = family friend and WH work colleague, going on many years (I was clueless)
It's funny. For years every time we talked about divorce, it was always a hateful discussion with lots of drama. Last night, it was totally calm. We both said we couldn't live with the others ultimatum so it had to be over. No tears, no yelling, no financial threats on his part, just us agreeing that we're done.
I may not be totally emotionally ready for this next part of my life, but I know now that I'm worth more than just getting to live in HIS world. Thanks again everyone for confirming what I already knew. He became a weapon of mass destruction, blew our world apart, then left me to clean it up all by myself. I don't understand selfish. I don't want to ever understand selfish. Selfish is the dirtiest word I know.
If he was not willing to provide you what you need, then why in the world would he have continued to participate in counseling? During my H's A, it felt like the kids and I were living in his world...never again!!
I hope that with some time for reflection your H will understand how selfish he is being and reconsider his stance. Has he ever read "Not Just Friends"?
Stick to your guns, you deserve more than he is giving.
I think this goes to one of the reasons why R is so hard. The ws often doesn't do what's necessary to help the bs heal, they rugsweep. And the bs must carry that pain for so much longer than the ws even understands or wants to understand.
I'm sorry but I think he's aware his ultimatum is unreasonable. He's being a coward. I would see an attorney whether it might be advantageous for you to file first. If not, then I would ignore his ultimatum, and make him to the heavy lifting of executing on his ultimatum. You talk about the affair whenever and however you want. You express yourself whenever and however you want. If he doesn't like it then he needs to move on.
Yeah, that was yet another portent of doom for our marriage.
My WH was in a fog that was 100 feet deep with 0 visibility..The fight was a stupid one, but he wanted to exert his control over me....He didn't want me to have a basic cell phone for emergencies.By that time the basic cellphones/ pay as you go plans were within my/our reach to afford....This was years before smart phones and competitive plans became commonplace...
But I insisted...I called him out on this topic telling him that he was being unreasonable, that I worked and made my own money anyway..I angrily told him that I will do as I please on this issue with or without his blessing..
I am not sure a WS cares about our concerns in regards to safety, kids or anything else while they are in an A or after they are discovered...
If your WH was remorseful, he wouldn't be trying to control you with anger or threats of walking away if you aren't doing as he wishes..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:26 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]